Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach
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So my coach is asking us to write things that is true to us. And this is something that is true to me, which is this...

Life is friggin' exhausting...

I was just thinking about my life.

Since the day I was born, I felt like I was thrown into this current.

Needing to perform at school, get good grades, pass exams, get into a good university, study the necessary courses to graduate.

So that I can get a job. Keep working, make money, get to the next step.

Go back to school, get a Masters.

Then find a person, get married, have kids, make sure they’re ok. Make sure we are on top of things.

Why?

While growing up, my mom kept telling me and my brother that life sucks.

And I resented her, for a very long time because I kept thinking, then why the heck did you bring me into this life?

So I didn’t want to have kids.. because life sucks (and that was how I felt).

And I desperately wanted to get out of it.

So I built up other parts of my life, like building my business.

Because in the back of my mind, I wanted to get out of this 💩 hole.

And my coach just bombed me, because she said, stop asking for your business (or whatever you do) to heal your wounds.

While sitting through this, I realized I carry a lot of my money insecurity wound, my insignificant wound, my not smart enough wound, and many more...

I have to heal all of these friggin bull💩 on my own.

And not rely on my business to heal me.

So I ask myself what do I really need for these healing to take place?

And the deeper answer is, I need rest, I need fun.

I need to care about what I really need first.

And yet I am too exhausted, so my answer is, I don’t know. Yet.

So I’ll just float down the river for a little bit and let it carry me wherever it goes.

And see what happens next... nothing has gone wrong.

If you’re feeling the same way, I want to let you know that you’re not alone.

Last weekend, I got notified that I was chosen as one of the Speaker Coaches in Lisa Nichol’s speaking program called Ignite. It was a dream come true! While I was doing my program last year, I put my name in because I want to become one of the coaches! And I got chosen!!

Also, I finalized the decisions on who will be speaking at my upcoming May 5th event, I’m really excited about it!!

Everything is going well!

And then this week, I barely posted.

My brain wouldn’t stop screaming at me: Why haven’t you posted anything to promote your event?? Go and put something together so you can post on social media!!

My chest felt like there is a tight rope with a big knot, holding me back. While my mind was just blank.

And I know that I’m in a freak out mode.

Like this image right here.

“I always figure it out on my own, I just need to panic first.”

face palm

Often times, we know we need to do something, like we need to practice, or we need to make a social media post, or we need to talk to a certain person.. but we have a tendency to procrastinate… until it’s inevitable.

Other times, we might find ourselves coming down so hard on ourselves that we become too paralyzed to move on.

Has there been a time where a part of you knows that you need to do that thing, but you find yourself doing everything else, like clean the house, scroll on social media instead, and then you’d get SO FRUSTRATED at yourself, like what the friggin’ heck is wrong with me??!!!!

Yup that is me, all the time.

AND I’m becoming more aware of when it happens, so I can tell myself "nothing has gone wrong".

The honest truth is, I am really scared.

As a Courage Coach, this is what I put myself through, I'm showing up in ways where a lot of things are scary to me.

And I have to learn to show up, so others can learn to show up too.

For me, showing up is just to admit the truth:

I’m freaking out!!

I told my husband, and he gave me a long hug..

And it’s okay, nothing has gone wrong.


Breathe in… Breathe out twice as long.

I have to create safety for my body first, so I can move forward.

And that's when I can figure it out on my own. I just need to (deal with my) panic first.

If you find yourself procrastinating doing something you need to do (whether it's something you want to do, or don't want to do), and if you need help with it, send me a message and we can see how we can proceed going forward.

Does the thought of speaking up in front of others make you second guess yourself, or make you want to hide? 

Maybe at work, you want to share more of your ideas at meetings. Or at home, you wish that you can tell your parents or in-laws to back off! Tell them to stop forcing you to do things you don’t want, or stop telling you how to do things. 

But every time you think about speaking up, you freeze. Your chest squeezes you like a vice, your mind screams, “They’re gonna get so upset!! Don't do it!!"

Yeah, what if they yell at me, ridicule me or kick me out?!

This is part of the “People-Pleasing Tendencies” we’d picked up since we were young. (Or as my coach calls it, “self-abandoning” tendency) 

If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone, and nothing is wrong with you. You’d just been brought up in a way where you never got a chance to exercise your voice.

And now that you want to use it, it feels super uncomfortable and scary. 

That’s why I’ve created 5 videos, “Stop People-Pleasing Tendencies”.

In the first video, I share with you how this tendency developed while growing up. 

In the second video, I highlight how we can separate our thought models from other people’s thought models. 

In the third video, I demonstrate how to acknowledge and allow ourselves to process our feelings. And once we allow for our own emotions, we can also allow others to have their own feelings, so we no longer feel the need to take responsibility for them.

In the fourth video, I share about the importance of calming down our nervous system. By doing so, we can think clearly on how we want to proceed. 

And in the last video, I teach you how to “visualize” our future in order for us to tap into our future self. Whether we want to be more confident speaking up at meetings, or stand up for ourselves in front of our parents or in-laws.

Bonus resources: If you’d like to learn more techniques to calm down your nervous system, I created a video called “3 Techniques to Reduce Stress and Anxiety”.

And if you want more help to process your anger or resentment, you can also sign up for my free resource, “Flip-the-Table”.

I believe that once we can master our emotions, then we will be more courageous to do the things that scare us, or hold us back. We will be less likely to be shaken up by other people’s reactions. And we have more confidence moving forward trying new things.

If after you have gone through these resources, and you have any question, you can always reach out to me. 

And if you feel you're ready to go on this journey, to become a more courageous version of you, I invite you to hop on a free 20-min call with me. 

I’d love to get to know you more, and we can see if we’re a good fit to work with each other. 

I offer a free pro-bono session where you can see my coaching style. If you want to work more closely with me, I offer various packages depending on your need.

I hope that these resources help you! And if you think others may benefit, I invite you to share them too!

So my son is in the process of growing his hair. 

I personally hate it. And yet I let him grow it out. 

And the biggest reason for me is because I want him to learn how to speak up for himself. 

There are reasons why each of us have to do something, and there are preferences of what each of us want for ourselves. 

And I want to teach him that there will always be people who disapprove of his decisions, he can listen to opposing reasons, AND he can be brave enough to go against other people’s disapprovals, because he has a voice, and he gets to go after what he wants.

So it really triggers me when people say, make your son do this or that, because he doesn’t know what’s best for him! 

And why it’s triggering, is because my mom has (operative word here, because she still does) a tendency to tell me what to do, without understanding, or even caring what I want or what I think. 

And you know what happens when people don’t get to own their voices, and they have trouble speaking up? 

They grow up lacking confidence and ability to become a leader. 

For me, this is what a leader is: 

A leader is creative and thinks of different ideas that are not the same as others, and they accept themselves for being different. 

A leader is not afraid to speak up about their unique ideas. 

A leader is able to accept other people’s pushbacks, and keep standing up for their beliefs, implementing the change. 

And guess where this skill starts? 

At home!

When we as parents don’t accept our children to be different, our children thinks that something is wrong with them for thinking differently. 

When we as parents don’t encourage our children to speak and share their unique ideas, it becomes difficult for them to speak up for themselves outside. 

And you may think.. it’s easy to say but hard to implement. 

Yes it is difficult to implement, because you have to start challenging everything you’d ever known. 

And You’re going to get push backs, criticisms, judgements, negative reactions. 

Here’s what it looks like:

Our kids would keep saying, why do you keep making me do things I don’t want? 

Our parents (or other people) would keep saying, you need to force yourself on your kids. 

It becomes triggering on both sides! 

And for me, I personally welcome that. Even though super triggering and stressful. It means I’m growing. 

From what I saw, because of how my mom raised me, it took me 40+ years to learn that I have a voice, and that I think differently than others.

And it was through the process of healing myself and accepting myself that I get to stand up and be a leader. 

I want my son to learn this concept now. 

So he can accept himself for being different now.

Because at the end of the day, if my son has any creative amazing ideas, I want him to be able to speak up, present himself and his ideas much much earlier than me.

If he wants something that I don’t approve of, I want him to learn that he has the capacity to go ahead with it despite of my disapprovals. 

Because I truly believe he is a smart creative kid, who knows exactly what he wants. 

Now for those of you who may think that your children don’t know what is best for them, I’d like to invite you to challenge that idea… 

What if they do know what is best for them? (Of course age appropriate)

What if they do already know, because they have interests in certain things that are different than yours. They have preferences different than yours. 

What if those are actually their inner knowings? 

They are different from you, they think differently than you. 

They are not a copy of you. 

They are their own person. 

And eventually, you have to let them go, where they have to venture out into the world. 

Are you equipping them with skills, where they can be courageous and share their unique ideas with others? 

Are you helping them navigate and deal with times when other people reject them? 

Are you allowing them to go against your “No’s”, and when they hear “No”, are you helping them practice how to become resilient? So they don’t become scared fall down and get back up to again. 

Let them be different. Let them try things out. Let them fail. So that they can learn. So they can cultivate that trust within themselves.

Yes, learning to deal with this can be super triggering. 

And if you’re ready and willing to learn how to process your own triggers, so you can better support your kids, I invite you to reach out to me. 

Send me a message, or book a time with me, so we can see if we’re a good fit to work with each other. 

Do you sometimes feel like, no matter how much you do, your mom, in-law or spouse (or someone else) would always criticize you, make a lot of inconsiderate requests, and show no appreciation toward what you do?

And at the same time, you’re worried about how to guide your kids to become more confident, so that they can stand up for themselves and showcase their brilliance?

I understand how difficult it can be to cultivate that courage and confidence to show up for me, so that I can show my son how he can stand up for himself.

Growing up as a daughter with a controlling mom, it wasn’t always easy.

My mom wanted everyone to do everything her way. If it wasn’t up to her standard, she would nag, criticize, yell just to impose her views and preferences onto others.

It could range from minor details like, the length of my haircut, to life-defining issues, like who I should marry.

And I realized that I was afraid, because I was scared of how she would react or respond to me when I went against her.

Learning how to navigate through the negative and explosive reactions was extremely challenging.

And yet, it was the most liberating things I did for me.

I stood strong for me, so that I can show my son how to stand strong for himself.

I am able to show him how I’m building my own business, while working full time.

I am able to show him how I stood on stage and spoke to a room full of people.

I am able to show him how to process his feelings. He understands that it’s ok when his friends don’t agree with him. And it’s ok to say no when his friends ask him to play and he doesn’t want to.

So many times as women, we put everyone else first, our kids, our spouses, our parents, our friends.

And we put ourselves last.

We’re so tired, and we still went out of our ways to do that thing for someone.

And in the end, when our kids see us doing all of that.. they also believe they have to sacrifice themselves, put themselves last, for other people in their lives…

If you’re at a point where you feel you’ve had enough of how other people are treating you, you’re ready to gain some confidence to stand up for yourself, because you want to demonstrate to your kids what confidence is all about, I’d love to support you.

Imagine, even though your mom is making outrageous requests, you can lovingly tell her, NO, and you do what’s best for you on your own time.

When your kids come to you to tell you their friends are being mean to them, you have the capacity to sit with them to process the disappointment and pain, and then teach them to say, I no longer want to spend time with these people anymore.

Or you finally have the courage to go back to school to get that degree that you want, or try that new thing that you want, and in turn, you can show your kids how to be courageous to go after their dreams!

What could that do for you and your kids?

If you’re interested, I’d love to get to know you and find out how I can help.

You can reply to this email, or you can book a free 20-min consultation with me.

After our call, if you feel we’re a great match, then we can discuss how we can work togethers.

Right now, I am offering 4 1:1 sessions for $200 CAD.

I’m looking for 5 women who are interested to do this work for themselves.

Because you deserve to step up and shine, and so do your kids!

Recently I have a thought about doing a series called, Why is it Triggering Me? So here's the first one.

When you want your kids to brush their teeth, do their homework, or clean up their room… But they’re not listening to you, or they’re not doing what you ask!
So you start repeating yourself, then nagging, and then end up yelling at them!!

Ahh.. I know!!! It’s so frustrating! I just want my 6 yo son to do these things so we can get all the necessary things done, taken care of, and get them out of the way! I want it to be super efficient and be done THIS WAY!

I want the rooms to be clean with nothing laying around, so that it’s presentable! So that it’s nice and neat!

So Why is it triggering me?

First of all this series is not about blame or shame. Not blaming whoever triggered the F out of us, and not shaming ourselves for reacting a certain way.

I am sharing this series just so we become more aware of ourselves. It's only through awareness that we can change.

So,

The very first reason why it triggers me is because, somehow, there is a realization that my is not heard or acknowledged.

While growing up (if your mom is like my mom), my mom would always tell me how I should act, what I should do, how to stand, how to clean up, what time to do what. I had to follow my mom’s suggestions all the time!

One of the things she’d always say to me was to take my shower after dinner, so I didn’t have to study til late at night and then take a shower when it was cold.

Every single day, even when I was in university.

Logically, I totally knew that it would be a better decision, but a part of me just didn’t want to listen, so I always ended up taking a shower late at night.

It’s frustrating as heck because she didn’t care about what I was thinking or doing, she was just ordering me around, not listening to me!

So now that I have a kid, and when he doesn’t listen to me or do what I say…

OF COURSE I’m triggered! Of course I’m mad and frustrated! Because he’s not listening to me!! 😤😤😤😤 (like my mom)

(Unfortunately, sometimes we apply the same tactics as our parents, so even though we don’t want be like our parents, we still be up being like them, so we started ordering them around, yelling, etc)

Getting frustrated is so normal, and when we start noticing it, we can dig a little deeper to figure out what's going on.

So what to do..

Here’s the thing we know. We can’t make other people do what they don’t want.

And manipulating them by bribing or threatening is going to break a relationship.

Once we understand that the reason why it’s triggering us, (we feel dismissed/not being heard), we can do two things.

One

We can first turn it around: Are we listening to ourselves?

Maybe when we’re tired and we need to rest, are we saying to ourselves, after I’m done this other thing, then I’m going to give myself rest.

Or maybe we need to have some fun, but we keep saying to ourselves, oh that is a waste of time, why are we watching Netflix ?

So learn to listen to yourself first, listen to what you need, and give that to yourself.

Two

Then we can ask ourselves, are we listening to our kids, giving them a chance to speak up?

Maybe deep down they have something they want to say:

I don’t want to do this! This chore is boring!

I don’t want to do what you ask right now.

I’m interested in this other thing, Mom, are you looking at me, paying attention to me!!

I had a fight with my friend, and I’m stressed out that maybe they don’t want to hang out with me anymore.

Do you know what their stories are?

Maybe once you listen to them, hear them out, then they’ll come back and listen to you.

OR it can also be true that, after you listen to them, maybe they still won’t listen to you, because they’re human and they have free will (because we all do).

But if you have a good relationship with them, hopefully once you change your way, and open yourself up to them, then they may in turn change too.

What insight did you get from this? Would love to hear your share.

If you would like to work on not yelling and have a better relationship with your kids, you can reply to this email or book a free 20-min consult with me.

This past Sat, I had a session with my client. And it was the perfect message that I also needed for myself.

If you’d never been to a coaching session before, coaching is not me giving you advice.

I personally believe that my clients already know the answer, and they already have the internal wisdom.

My job includes witnessing of their thoughts and feelings, sit with them through the dark spots, and holding up a light to shine on the future path.

And sometimes, what happens is when I shine that light onto their path, I also shine light onto my own.

On Sat, my client (hey there, if you’re reading) really wanted to put more time into honing her drawing and painting skills, but she was having trouble with starting her practice because she was concerned that she’d “spoil the paper”.

So I said to her, when your daughter did something that disappoint you, do you love her less? When your son got mad at you, do you love him less? She said no.

I said, these creations are your babies, (for now anyway, because later on, in order to showcase our work, we have to let go of that belief, or else we will be too protective of our work, and wouldn’t be able to showcase them), if the colour isn’t right, are you going to love it less? if there is a stroke that wasn’t meant to be there, are you going to love it less?

And as I was sharing this with her, my heart broke, because once again, I saw how harshly I treat myself.

I came down hard on myself when I struggle to learn a new skill.

I told myself all sorts of nasty things for needing time to flush out what I wanted to say.

And it is all ok.

Nothing has gone wrong.

I’m on my journey to loving myself.

And I am one step further along to realize this for me, so I can attempt to love myself again.

Coaching is not a one and done deal, it is an ongoing process, because I’m always evolving, breaking through to the next version of me.

It’s a loving paradox, loving myself where I am, and being excited for evolving into the next version of me.

If you’re interested in going on this journey, I invite you to book a free 20-min session with me, so that we can see where you’re at, where you want to go, and see if we’re a great fit to work with each other.

I want to let you know I love you, I see you, and if you need any support, I’m right here walking with you, you’re never alone on this journey.

Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach

TORONTO, ONTARIO CANADA

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