So my son is in the process of growing his hair.
I personally hate it. And yet I let him grow it out.
And the biggest reason for me is because I want him to learn how to speak up for himself.
There are reasons why each of us have to do something, and there are preferences of what each of us want for ourselves.
And I want to teach him that there will always be people who disapprove of his decisions, he can listen to opposing reasons, AND he can be brave enough to go against other people’s disapprovals, because he has a voice, and he gets to go after what he wants.
So it really triggers me when people say, make your son do this or that, because he doesn’t know what’s best for him!
And why it’s triggering, is because my mom has (operative word here, because she still does) a tendency to tell me what to do, without understanding, or even caring what I want or what I think.
And you know what happens when people don’t get to own their voices, and they have trouble speaking up?
They grow up lacking confidence and ability to become a leader.
For me, this is what a leader is:
A leader is creative and thinks of different ideas that are not the same as others, and they accept themselves for being different.
A leader is not afraid to speak up about their unique ideas.
A leader is able to accept other people’s pushbacks, and keep standing up for their beliefs, implementing the change.
And guess where this skill starts?
At home!
When we as parents don’t accept our children to be different, our children thinks that something is wrong with them for thinking differently.
When we as parents don’t encourage our children to speak and share their unique ideas, it becomes difficult for them to speak up for themselves outside.
And you may think.. it’s easy to say but hard to implement.
Yes it is difficult to implement, because you have to start challenging everything you’d ever known.
And You’re going to get push backs, criticisms, judgements, negative reactions.
Here’s what it looks like:
Our kids would keep saying, why do you keep making me do things I don’t want?
Our parents (or other people) would keep saying, you need to force yourself on your kids.
It becomes triggering on both sides!
And for me, I personally welcome that. Even though super triggering and stressful. It means I’m growing.
From what I saw, because of how my mom raised me, it took me 40+ years to learn that I have a voice, and that I think differently than others.
And it was through the process of healing myself and accepting myself that I get to stand up and be a leader.
I want my son to learn this concept now.
So he can accept himself for being different now.
Because at the end of the day, if my son has any creative amazing ideas, I want him to be able to speak up, present himself and his ideas much much earlier than me.
If he wants something that I don’t approve of, I want him to learn that he has the capacity to go ahead with it despite of my disapprovals.
Because I truly believe he is a smart creative kid, who knows exactly what he wants.
Now for those of you who may think that your children don’t know what is best for them, I’d like to invite you to challenge that idea…
What if they do know what is best for them? (Of course age appropriate)
What if they do already know, because they have interests in certain things that are different than yours. They have preferences different than yours.
What if those are actually their inner knowings?
They are different from you, they think differently than you.
They are not a copy of you.
They are their own person.
And eventually, you have to let them go, where they have to venture out into the world.
Are you equipping them with skills, where they can be courageous and share their unique ideas with others?
Are you helping them navigate and deal with times when other people reject them?
Are you allowing them to go against your “No’s”, and when they hear “No”, are you helping them practice how to become resilient? So they don’t become scared fall down and get back up to again.
Let them be different. Let them try things out. Let them fail. So that they can learn. So they can cultivate that trust within themselves.
Yes, learning to deal with this can be super triggering.
And if you’re ready and willing to learn how to process your own triggers, so you can better support your kids, I invite you to reach out to me.
Send me a message, or book a time with me, so we can see if we’re a good fit to work with each other.
Do you sometimes feel like, no matter how much you do, your mom, in-law or spouse (or someone else) would always criticize you, make a lot of inconsiderate requests, and show no appreciation toward what you do?
And at the same time, you’re worried about how to guide your kids to become more confident, so that they can stand up for themselves and showcase their brilliance?
I understand how difficult it can be to cultivate that courage and confidence to show up for me, so that I can show my son how he can stand up for himself.
Growing up as a daughter with a controlling mom, it wasn’t always easy.
My mom wanted everyone to do everything her way. If it wasn’t up to her standard, she would nag, criticize, yell just to impose her views and preferences onto others.
It could range from minor details like, the length of my haircut, to life-defining issues, like who I should marry.
And I realized that I was afraid, because I was scared of how she would react or respond to me when I went against her.
Learning how to navigate through the negative and explosive reactions was extremely challenging.
And yet, it was the most liberating things I did for me.
I stood strong for me, so that I can show my son how to stand strong for himself.
I am able to show him how I’m building my own business, while working full time.
I am able to show him how I stood on stage and spoke to a room full of people.
I am able to show him how to process his feelings. He understands that it’s ok when his friends don’t agree with him. And it’s ok to say no when his friends ask him to play and he doesn’t want to.
So many times as women, we put everyone else first, our kids, our spouses, our parents, our friends.
And we put ourselves last.
We’re so tired, and we still went out of our ways to do that thing for someone.
And in the end, when our kids see us doing all of that.. they also believe they have to sacrifice themselves, put themselves last, for other people in their lives…
If you’re at a point where you feel you’ve had enough of how other people are treating you, you’re ready to gain some confidence to stand up for yourself, because you want to demonstrate to your kids what confidence is all about, I’d love to support you.
Imagine, even though your mom is making outrageous requests, you can lovingly tell her, NO, and you do what’s best for you on your own time.
When your kids come to you to tell you their friends are being mean to them, you have the capacity to sit with them to process the disappointment and pain, and then teach them to say, I no longer want to spend time with these people anymore.
Or you finally have the courage to go back to school to get that degree that you want, or try that new thing that you want, and in turn, you can show your kids how to be courageous to go after their dreams!
What could that do for you and your kids?
If you’re interested, I’d love to get to know you and find out how I can help.
You can reply to this email, or you can book a free 20-min consultation with me.
After our call, if you feel we’re a great match, then we can discuss how we can work togethers.
Right now, I am offering 4 1:1 sessions for $200 CAD.
I’m looking for 5 women who are interested to do this work for themselves.
Because you deserve to step up and shine, and so do your kids!
Recently I have a thought about doing a series called, Why is it Triggering Me? So here's the first one.
When you want your kids to brush their teeth, do their homework, or clean up their room… But they’re not listening to you, or they’re not doing what you ask!
So you start repeating yourself, then nagging, and then end up yelling at them!!
Ahh.. I know!!! It’s so frustrating! I just want my 6 yo son to do these things so we can get all the necessary things done, taken care of, and get them out of the way! I want it to be super efficient and be done THIS WAY!
I want the rooms to be clean with nothing laying around, so that it’s presentable! So that it’s nice and neat!
So Why is it triggering me?
First of all this series is not about blame or shame. Not blaming whoever triggered the F out of us, and not shaming ourselves for reacting a certain way.
I am sharing this series just so we become more aware of ourselves. It's only through awareness that we can change.
So,
The very first reason why it triggers me is because, somehow, there is a realization that my is not heard or acknowledged.
While growing up (if your mom is like my mom), my mom would always tell me how I should act, what I should do, how to stand, how to clean up, what time to do what. I had to follow my mom’s suggestions all the time!
One of the things she’d always say to me was to take my shower after dinner, so I didn’t have to study til late at night and then take a shower when it was cold.
Every single day, even when I was in university.
Logically, I totally knew that it would be a better decision, but a part of me just didn’t want to listen, so I always ended up taking a shower late at night.
It’s frustrating as heck because she didn’t care about what I was thinking or doing, she was just ordering me around, not listening to me!
So now that I have a kid, and when he doesn’t listen to me or do what I say…
OF COURSE I’m triggered! Of course I’m mad and frustrated! Because he’s not listening to me!! 😤😤😤😤 (like my mom)
(Unfortunately, sometimes we apply the same tactics as our parents, so even though we don’t want be like our parents, we still be up being like them, so we started ordering them around, yelling, etc)
Getting frustrated is so normal, and when we start noticing it, we can dig a little deeper to figure out what's going on.
So what to do..
Here’s the thing we know. We can’t make other people do what they don’t want.
And manipulating them by bribing or threatening is going to break a relationship.
Once we understand that the reason why it’s triggering us, (we feel dismissed/not being heard), we can do two things.
One
We can first turn it around: Are we listening to ourselves?
Maybe when we’re tired and we need to rest, are we saying to ourselves, after I’m done this other thing, then I’m going to give myself rest.
Or maybe we need to have some fun, but we keep saying to ourselves, oh that is a waste of time, why are we watching Netflix ?
So learn to listen to yourself first, listen to what you need, and give that to yourself.
Two
Then we can ask ourselves, are we listening to our kids, giving them a chance to speak up?
Maybe deep down they have something they want to say:
I don’t want to do this! This chore is boring!
I don’t want to do what you ask right now.
I’m interested in this other thing, Mom, are you looking at me, paying attention to me!!
I had a fight with my friend, and I’m stressed out that maybe they don’t want to hang out with me anymore.
Do you know what their stories are?
Maybe once you listen to them, hear them out, then they’ll come back and listen to you.
OR it can also be true that, after you listen to them, maybe they still won’t listen to you, because they’re human and they have free will (because we all do).
But if you have a good relationship with them, hopefully once you change your way, and open yourself up to them, then they may in turn change too.
What insight did you get from this? Would love to hear your share.
If you would like to work on not yelling and have a better relationship with your kids, you can reply to this email or book a free 20-min consult with me.
This past Sat, I had a session with my client. And it was the perfect message that I also needed for myself.
If you’d never been to a coaching session before, coaching is not me giving you advice.
I personally believe that my clients already know the answer, and they already have the internal wisdom.
My job includes witnessing of their thoughts and feelings, sit with them through the dark spots, and holding up a light to shine on the future path.
And sometimes, what happens is when I shine that light onto their path, I also shine light onto my own.
On Sat, my client (hey there, if you’re reading) really wanted to put more time into honing her drawing and painting skills, but she was having trouble with starting her practice because she was concerned that she’d “spoil the paper”.
So I said to her, when your daughter did something that disappoint you, do you love her less? When your son got mad at you, do you love him less? She said no.
I said, these creations are your babies, (for now anyway, because later on, in order to showcase our work, we have to let go of that belief, or else we will be too protective of our work, and wouldn’t be able to showcase them), if the colour isn’t right, are you going to love it less? if there is a stroke that wasn’t meant to be there, are you going to love it less?
And as I was sharing this with her, my heart broke, because once again, I saw how harshly I treat myself.
I came down hard on myself when I struggle to learn a new skill.
I told myself all sorts of nasty things for needing time to flush out what I wanted to say.
And it is all ok.
Nothing has gone wrong.
I’m on my journey to loving myself.
And I am one step further along to realize this for me, so I can attempt to love myself again.
Coaching is not a one and done deal, it is an ongoing process, because I’m always evolving, breaking through to the next version of me.
It’s a loving paradox, loving myself where I am, and being excited for evolving into the next version of me.
If you’re interested in going on this journey, I invite you to book a free 20-min session with me, so that we can see where you’re at, where you want to go, and see if we’re a great fit to work with each other.
I want to let you know I love you, I see you, and if you need any support, I’m right here walking with you, you’re never alone on this journey.
How much are you doing right that is somehow hoping to please someone in your family, hoping that they will acknowledge you
Yesterday, I brought my son for cartwheel, and came upon a mom who had really high expectations of her daughter, which made me cry, and I recorded a video about it.
You can watch here.
It broke my heart… because how many of us are doing more just because we want to get other people’s love and approvals?
And how many of us, are turning that onto our kids, and creating a toxic cycle?
If you feel you’re always doing something in hopes to get validation, or you keep feeling like you haven’t done enough, then I’d like to invite you to take a look at where you’re at.
We are responsible to break this cycle, let’s not bring this toxicity into our kids and our future generations..
I’m always here if you need to connect and chat.
I finished watching the Brothers Sun with my husband this past weekend, and there are two big things I’d like to talk about: Choice and Creativity as a Chinese girl.
I’ll try to include as little spoilers as I can, but just in case you want to watch first before the discussion, then you may want to stop right here.
Verdict: highly recommend!!
*******************
Let’s dive in.
1 Choice
“NO ONE HAS EVER ASKED ME WHAT I WANT!!!!”
This was a line that jumped out at me the most in the entire season.
Choosing. Or more specifically, the lack of choice.
The freedom to choose is a concept fairly foreign to me while growing up.
While growing up, all I knew was that my parents sacrificed themselves to bring us to Canada to provide the best for me.
So I had to be a good girl, do my best, and do whatever I need to do to prevent bringing shame to the family.
And when I was dating my now husband, I was forced to pick between my mom or him.
Because of this, I had to experience lots of anger, blame, guilt, shame, resentment, disappointment.
AND along with it, I had to learn to be courageous to face the possibility of being disowned, or making a wrong decision.
So watching each of the main characters become bold enough to choose what’s best for themselves was quite exciting.
2 Creativity
One of the gripes my husband had with the show was why didn’t Michelle Yeoh’s character send her second son to learn Mandarin.
And I want to applaud that decision from the creators.
Because taking Mandarin means he’s “in the system”.
When one’s not in the system, that’s when they can see the whole system from a different perspective, and bring in new ideas to “solve problems.”
I know I am going to get a lot of slash back from saying this.
For me, many times I was asked if I send my son to Chinese class. I don’t want to, because he is not interested in it.
And people would tell me, well you need to force them.
I asked.. is it really good to force them?
First of all, if my son says no, and I am forcing my decision on him, I am taking his voice away. He will feel that he is not able to speak up. I’m practically telling him that his voice has ZERO value.
Second, if I force him to “learn” when he has no interest to learn, his mind is going to associate learning as “boring”.
I want him to see that learning something he’s interested in is better than being forced into something he doesn’t want. So he stays curious, and has the desire to try new things.
It makes him want to learn more, be more curious, and willing to go through with the challenges when it gets tough. (Doing it for himself vs for mom)
For me, being able to speak up, share ideas, stay curious, are valuable qualities to cultivate to become a leader who is creative.
Creativity means you have different ideas, and you’re not afraid to share it.
As a Chinese girl, I am done with feeling like I can’t speak up for myself and I’m not creative. So many times I believed that I had no good ideas that were worthy to be shared.
NOT TRUE!
I feel how my parents raised me and the education system had forced me to become “one-way” thinking, and I don’t want my son to be limited in his communication and his creative skills.
So I try my best not to force him into doing what he doesn’t want.
Overall, The Brothers Sun is amazing! And not to mention Justin Chien is really HOT and is an amazing actor. I highly recommend it if you are interested to watch it!
And if you’d watched it, what did you think about it? What was one thing that really resonated with you? Would love to hear about that!
When you were growing up, did you grow up in an environment where your parents kept telling you how to behave and what to do, no matter how you feel?
Recently, I watched a South Korean show where the camera followed the lives of one Family. They showed the parents’ interactions with their kids and their kids’ reactions. Afterwards, a child psychiatrist offered feedback for the parents on how to build better relationships with them.
If you’re interested to watch it, here’s the link
This family has a mom, a dad, and 6 kids (3 boys, 3 girls. The parents were having a “difficult time” with the middle son.
The parents complained about how their son was behaving disrespectfully, not doing enough house work, swearing at them/to his siblings, or not following the house rules, etc.
But the camera showed a very different story.
The parents were constantly angry with him. No matter how much the son did, the parents would keep criticizing him, nitpicking at him.
When he felt really stressed out and wanted to go outside for some fresh air (since there was no room for him to have alone time), his mom prevented him from going (it was 7pm).
When the parents decided they need to have a “talk with him” to find out what’s going on, they kept asking “What’s wrong with you? Speak up!” And when he didn’t respond, they pushed him further, asking “Why aren’t you speaking? Look me in the eyes.”
Just from watching that video, I felt the suffocation and tightness in my chest, the anger of unfairness, the stifled voice that was dismissed. UNLESS the words were exactly what the parents wanted to hear, otherwise, it meant nothing.
And on the other end, I also saw how much the parents were struggling. I could only imagine the amount of pressure they were facing in order to raise a family that ‘meets societal expectations’.
I am so happy at the end, the child psychiatrist was able to work with the family, so they could have a happy relationship.
But this is the toxic cycle.
The parents' voices were stifled, they were expected to behave a certain way, even when they didn't want to.
So they forced their kids to act a certain way, by any means, get angry at them, kick them out of the house, nag at them, nitpick at them, force them to do things, etc.
Then the kids end up being rebellious and explode at the parents/other people, or they may go into depression. (and when they have a family of their own, they may end up yelling and criticizing their own kids)
The bad news is, if we don't stop it, the toxic cycle continues.
Sometimes, this could lead some families to have extremely poor parent/child relationship. For some, they may consider ending their lives because they couldn't handle the stress.
The good news is, something can be done about it.
We can heal our pains and learn new skills to break this cycle.
Imagine you can have a better relationship with your kids. Where they actually want to come to you to talk through their problems, they feel safe enough to share, and you have the skills to navigate through both your own emotions and help them navigate through theirs.
Or when your spouse, parents, or in-laws keep pushing you for more, or saying awful things to you, you can finally say, “This is inappropriate, you’re not allowed to speak to me this way anymore.”
It’s possible!
If you feel it's time for you to take the next step to break this toxic cycle, I can help with that.
I invite you to hop on a free 20-min consult with me. During this time, I’ll get to know you some more and we can see if we’re a good fit to work with each other.
I know sometimes we may feel really alone….am I the only one going through this?
And I know it can feel very scary to do this on our own.
I can assure you that you are not alone, and you don’t have to work through this by yourself. You can have someone walk through this journey with you.
Let’s do this together.
