Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach
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Now that the holidays is over, maybe you got a chance to reflect back on how it went.

Did you find yourself…

-doing everything to make sure other people are happy?

-making sure everything is running smoothly?

-catering to everyone’s needs before yours?

I remember growing up, I was always one of the few girls who would plan for all the gatherings. Because if I didn’t, the gatherings wouldn’t happen!

I’d make sure we stay connected, make sure everyone is available, make sure no one is left behind.

And there were a few occasions where someone couldn’t make it, and I’d suggest to keep the date.

But the immediate feedback would be, “Should we change it to another date? Because so and so can’t make it…”

REALLY???? That would INSTANTLY set me off.

Yet, I would cave, and continue to try, to make sure everyone was available and onboard.

But eventually, it sucked up all the fun for me!

I became resentful.

There were even a few times where I reacted childishly, made sarcastic remarks, to the point where it made other people uncomfortable.

And I stopped planning for gatherings.

Through the years of inner work, I learned that I caved and catered to others, because I didn’t want to be seen as lazy or inconsiderate.

Because growing up, my mom would use those words to describe me.

So even when I don’t want to do it, I would go the extra mile to prove to others (and myself) that I am not lazy and inconsiderate.

And at the same time, I learned that, EVEN IF I am a lazy and inconsiderate, it’s ok.

Because in order for me to give more of myself, I have to take care of me first.

So it’s ok for me to be “lazy” and “inconsiderate”. I learned to love me for them.

————————————

Two nights ago, I created a visual to help other people understand the basics of how people-pleasing tendency started. So I want to share them with you.

No surprise at all, we obtained most of our behaviours while growing up with our parents/care takers.

Our interactions with them could be too painful, too traumatic, so we changed ourselves to avoid the negative.

And the behaviour remains as we get older.

So even though our bodies get angry or resentful, we continue to do it.

But we are not our younger selves anymore. We want to be able to stand up for us, and decide to do things that are best for us.

And in order to break the people-pleasing cycle, to stop being responsible for other people’s feelings, to stand up for ourselves, we have to look at the ugly stuff.

We do so by processing our fears, heal our pains, build our courage and love ourselves.

If you are at a point where you are too sick and tired of feeling resentful and upset at everyone around you, I want you to know that you’re not alone.

I’d like to invite you to join me on a one month journey called Liberation. It’s a 1:1 sessions with 4-1hr zoom calls ($200 CAD for 4 sessions)

After working with me, you will feel freer to make the best decisions for you.

You will know exactly how to deal with the negative emotions when they come up.

You’ll find yourself doing things because you want to, not because you are forced to.

You also get to have peace and fun back into your life.

If you’re interested to learn more about it, I invite you to hop on a ​free 20-min consult ​with me, so I can get to know your situation, and we can see if we’re a good fit to work with each other!

If you don’t see a time that fits you, send me an email, and we can arrange.

That’s all from me for today!

Here’s a little bit of my end of year share… 

As I sit in my bed I thought, How is it almost 2024? Didn’t we just start 2023?

Maybe for most people, they feel like, rah rah… let’s look at our accomplishment!

And yet my judgemental brain would still come  down strong on me. 

Then my heart would start pounding, thinking about all the stuff on my plate, and it feels as if I’m being compressed from all sides. 

… 

My husband got my son Minecraft for Christmas, but instead of my son playing, I started playing the game.

At first, I didn’t understand what this game was about, but once I started I got lured into it. 

It’s called Minecraft because you mine and craft. 

And I love the mining. 

My brain got super addicted to it, I wanted to see how much of each special material I could obtain. 

And I started searching for answers online. How do I do this? How do I get that? What is this thing for? What can I create from it? 

I was having fun! All I wanted was to keep playing. 

Then I thought, what is so special about this game that my brain got so excited about? 

I mean I’m excited about a game… yet sometimes doing life is like, pulling teeth.. why is that? and more importantly, how can I apply it to my life? 

And my brain presented this idea to me… 

When you studied with your mom when you were 8-9 yo, she would hit you every time you get an answer wrong… that is why! 

And logically I knew that. 

In this game (or any games) I feel safe. I can’t get it wrong.. and I love success. And games are designed to be easy in the beginning to get you hooked! 

In real life, it was ingrained in my brain that it’s not safe to show up. 

Whether I was :

Presenting an idea. 

Networking with other people. 

Showing off my wins.. 

All of these invite “Judgement”, and I could potentially get hurt. 

That’s how my brain puts so much pressure on me. 

To be “perfect” or I could get “hit”. 

It took me a long time to get to where I am right now. 

And I am still working through it. 

Yet I am very proud of myself, of how far I’ve come. 

To stop my perfectionistic-self from holding me back. 

Because each time I stepped up and showed up, it was another piece of evidence to show my brain that: 

❤️ I don’t have to be perfect. 

❤️ It is okay to step up, even when I’m scared. 

❤️ It’s better to show up and do what I want, even when I am not perfect. 

Along the way, I am reprogramming my brain to believe that I am more than what I see. 

I can go for the impossible, I can do what’s in my heart. 

Life is a challenge. And it’s well worth living. 

….

If you’re been beating yourself up for having not accomplished that you’d wanted in 2023, nothing has gone wrong. 

It’s a learning process. 

But don’t give up. If it is still in your heart, then it is still possible for you. 

Sign up for “2024, Let’s Go!” for a 50 min session with me. 

And let’s see what is possible for you! 

Gift this for yourself for this upcoming year. 

4 more days and 2023 is a wrap.

How are you feeling as you think about 2023 coming to a close? 

Maybe what you’d wanted to do this year, somehow you didn’t get to it…

Maybe what you’d hoped to achieve, once again it got left behind. 

What if it’s ok. Nothing has gone wrong. It didn’t happen because it wasn’t meant to happen. 

And at the same time, what if 2024 is the year that is possible for you to achieve that thing. 

Maybe you want to build a stronger network for yourself? 

Maybe you want to find a new job to better your family? 

Maybe you want to have a better relationship with your spouse or kids? 

Maybe you want to start playing the piano because it lights up your heart? 

Whatever it is, don’t let perfectionism steal your 2024. 

I’m offering a 1:1 50 min goal setting session called “2024, Let’s Go!”

We’ll discuss your #1 goal or project for this upcoming year, and  I’ll include a personalized guided hypnosis to help you: 

It‘s $120 in value, and I’m offering this for $24CAD to only 20 people (2024.. get it? 🎉)!

It’s ONLY $24 CAD (only for the first 20 people!)

If you’re interested in this, click on this link to book!  

Payment must be made upon booking!

Paypal: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/claudiachanco

E-transfer: claudia@claudiachan.co

(If you cannot find a time that suits you, send me an email at claudia@claudiachan.co, and we can arrange.)

Recently, I’d been coaching a few people on dealing with their critical or demanding mothers (or in-laws).

They are getting fed up and upset because all they wanted is for their moms to change. Wanting their moms to show them acceptance, understanding, love, appreciation….

Here’s what usually happens, their moms:

Always find ways to criticize them.

Always tell them how they should do things.

Always question if they made the right decision.

Always ask them for more money, more help….

Never appreciate what they’d done.

Never care about their feelings.

Never try to understand what’s really going on in their lives.

If you’re dealing with the same thing, I understand how upset, frustrated and helpless you feel. 

And I also want to share this sad news with you:

Your mom (or in-law) is NOT going to change.

It doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it, but accepting this fact will help you move forward.

It is important to grief for the loss and heal the pain.

Grieving for the loss of the “ideal mom” that you never have. 

And taking time to process the pain that they’d caused you. 

Then moving on to decide HOW YOU want to show up in the relationship.

You can still have a relationship with your mom. Maybe, it can be…

🤔I only visit twice a month for 2 hours each time.

🤔I talk to my mom once a month on the phone.

🤔I don’t talk to her at all.

And when she acts in her old ways, you get to decide how you want to respond and stand up for you.

It takes time to set up the boundaries, yet it can be done.

You are the owner of your life, and learning to stand strong and speak up for yourself is an important part of living your life.

If you’re ready to say, NO MORE! I want to do this for me! and you’re interested to explore what is possible for you, book a 20 min consult with me, and see where it can take you.

First of all, I just want to say thank you, thank you for all that you’d done. For your family, for your kids, for your spouse, your parents, your in-laws. All the things you did for your friends, and even to that stranger you just met.

So it is important for me to ask you to pause.

Pause right here.

Because, Thank you.

I see you. I see all the things you’re doing for others.

I also see all the times you held yourself back.

When other people ask how you’re doing, even though part of you is screaming, I need help! I’m falling part! I have no idea what I'm doing! I’m struggling and would really appreciate some help here!…

Another part of you quickly brush it to one side, slap a smile on your face, and said, “Everything’s going fine!”

And as quickly, you diverted the question back to them, asking what they’d been up to, what they’d been dealing with, to see how you could help them…

Just so that you could feel better.

But this better was only temporary.

Because this buried voice would rear its ugly head from time to time

What about me???

I’d done so much for you, why wouldn’t you do the same for me??

Why does no one seem to care?

Then Guilt takes over, and words of scorn slashes across your head. Of course no one cares, look how selfish you are!

You haven’t done enough!

If you’re capable, you wouldn’t be struggling!

So you buckle up and move on.

Taking on the world again all by yourself.

I want to say I see all that.

I see you.

Because for the most part, that was me, that is still me. Trying to take care of everything on my own.

And yet, it doesn’t have to be this way.

I can lay down the judgement. I can ask for help and accept what is given to me.

I have to see that I am worthy to be taken care of. See that I am valuable to share my voice. And it means nothing about me if and when I do ask for help.

It is in fact necessary, and honourable for me to ask for me. So that I can take care of me.

Putting myself first no matter what.

It is not selfish, but necessary, in order to love all of me, to fill my own cup, so I can help others even more.

If you’re struggling with things in your life, reach out to me.

I want you to know that I see you, and I understand. You’re not alone. So let’s do this together.

Last night, I watched this movie called In and Of Itself by Derek Delgaudio. He addressed the meaning of identity, how it is formed, how other people see us, how we see ourselves.

He presented it in an extremely interesting way, so if you ever get a chance to watch it, I highly recommend.

But if you don’t, here’s one part that hit me in my chest!

He shared this story about 5 men coming upon this thing, and they really wanted to figure out what it is.

The one problem is, all of them are blind.

Maybe you’ve heard it before.

So one of the men was touching one part, and he said, it’s thick on the top, it’s narrow on the bottom, and it’s wet at the end! Oh it’s a snake!

The other man on the other side said, nope, it’s skinny and narrow, and have hair at the end, it’s a rope.

The third said, it’s round and thick, and has 4 of them, these are just 4 tree trucks.

The next one said, it’s hard and broad on the side, it’s just a wall.

The last man said, it’s thin, flat and leathery, and it’s just flapping around.. it’s a fan.

And if you’d heard it before, you know that they were all talking about an elephant.

But Derek said, he’s read through all the versions of the story, yet no one ever talk about the perspective of the elephant.

Imagine you’re the elephant, just roaming and minding your own business. And then all of a sudden a group of people came up to you and started touching you all over, then they went off to discuss and decide what you are. 

I mean sure, they got it right. But they were discussing amongst themselves AND deciding that you are indeed an elephant.

But what if, you are actually a magical creature, where you did have a snake for a nose, a rope on the back, tree trunks as legs, walls for your sides, and fans for ears…

And instead of seeing you as the magical creature that you are, they tried to CONVINCE YOU THAT YOU ARE JUST AN ELEPHANT!

😭😭😭

I bursted out crying when I heard that, because that was exactly how I felt for my whole life, other people deciding who I am, who I’m not, what I can do, and what I can’t do… to the point where I held myself sooo small…

My mom saying,

“You’re not special, you’re not pretty, just ordinary…. Which is a good thing.”

“Oh you’re not as smart as those people who can do business, their brain switches so fast… you’re only meant to work for an employer.”

“Don’t sell yourself and make a big deal out of things, because no one would want to be your friend anymore.”

One box, one chain, one after another, after another.

When we were born, our potential are all equal. We can all do extremely amazing things, and extremely terrible things.

And along the way, how other people treat us, how we were brought up, and how we think about ourselves, our environment, they all formed how we view ourselves.

It’s like a jar of fleas.

Fleas could jump so high. Yet during this experiment, scientists put a bunch of fleas in a jar with a lid, and overtime, they learned to jump just a little bit lower than the lid so they won’t hurt themselves.

To the point where, when the scientists remove the lid, none of them would jump out of the jar.

And interestingly, their offsprings also did the same.

I was fed those sentences and beliefs, because my parents, my ancestors, had to go through all those hardship… and in order to protect the next generation from “getting hurt”, from “getting disappointed”, they tried to limit us.

So I cried for myself.

I also cried for my mom.

And my dad.

And for everyone who had come before me.

For all the trauma they’d gone through, where they passed on their beliefs through our genes, through verbal communication, through their actions, to me.

AND I want to undo all of them for me.

For my son, for his children, and for their children.

Because I AM a magical creature, and I am not going to let other people to tell me that I am JUST an elephant.

And neither are you.

Because you are also a magical creature, and I see you as who you are. 

If you’re ready to let go of the boxes and chains that limit you, I am offering 4 free 1:1 sessions to 5 people. I have 2 more spots left! 

Click to Book now. 

To be quite frank with you, it’s super difficult for me to write these posts and share my stories. 

I’d been working on showing up. And each step of the way is like pulling teeth! 

Last night, I came across this short clip from One Piece, and I want to illustrate what it means to have the courage to show up. 

This clip had to do with 3 of the main characters getting off their ship to find treasure. To do so, they had to swing across the cloud of sharks in order to get onto land. 

You can watch this video and I wanted to share 3 critical moments with you. 

Point 1: 0:36-0:44, Nami heard there was treasure, so even though she was scared, she said yes! = 8 seconds (finding our dreams and desires)

Point 2: 1:24-1:46, Nami’s turn to swing from the ship = 22 seconds. (Navigating our fear) 

Point 3: 1:47-1:58 Nami screaming while swinging = 11 seconds. (Actually doing it)

Point 3 is usually where people refer to as bravery -> Just do it! And dismisses Point 2!

In this clip, note how Point 2 lasted 22 seconds and point 3 lasted 11 seconds. 

In real life, Point 2 could last for years… 

But NO ONE ever talks about Point 2!

For me, this is the scariest part, because my 8 year old self knew that if I show up, I could get it wrong and get hurt. (My mom used to hit me when I gave a wrong answer while studying).

And this is how it looked like for me as an adult: I had Point 1. I wanted to implement Point 3, but I was holding myself back…

I’d get super frustrated at myself for not doing it! So I’d say: "How useless are you!" "Why can’t you do this?" "What’s wrong with you?" 

Extremely nasty. 

This past year, I learned to sit with myself a lot at Point 2 to process the hurt, the fear, and all the big emotions, so I could shorten this period of time. 

So I could call on bravery. 

Do I still feel scared?

Of course! Like Nami, I still scream at Point 3. 

But courage doesn’t just come from Point 3, majority of it is cultivated at Point 2. 

Maybe for some of us, we have an idea of what we want (Point 1), and we really want to take the leap (Point 3), but we are frustrated at ourselves because we couldn’t get ourselves to move! So we beat ourselves up, over and over again.

What if, what if, nothing has gone wrong.

We just got stuck at Point 2, because we were never taught how to process that stuck feeling.

That is why I am offering my newest offer: Getting Unstuck.

Where I help you process all those extreme feelings, so you can finally breathe and get a clear picture of where you want to go.

If you’re interested in it, I am offering 4 1:1 sessions to 5 people. (Newest update: 2 of the spots are already taken!), so 3 spots left!

Sign up now if you believe you’d benefit from it.

Know that you’re not alone. I love you, I see you, and I understand. Let’s do this together.

Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach

TORONTO, ONTARIO CANADA

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