Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach
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So my coach is asking us to write things that is true to us. And this is something that is true to me, which is this...

Life is friggin' exhausting...

I was just thinking about my life.

Since the day I was born, I felt like I was thrown into this current.

Needing to perform at school, get good grades, pass exams, get into a good university, study the necessary courses to graduate.

So that I can get a job. Keep working, make money, get to the next step.

Go back to school, get a Masters.

Then find a person, get married, have kids, make sure they’re ok. Make sure we are on top of things.

Why?

While growing up, my mom kept telling me and my brother that life sucks.

And I resented her, for a very long time because I kept thinking, then why the heck did you bring me into this life?

So I didn’t want to have kids.. because life sucks (and that was how I felt).

And I desperately wanted to get out of it.

So I built up other parts of my life, like building my business.

Because in the back of my mind, I wanted to get out of this 💩 hole.

And my coach just bombed me, because she said, stop asking for your business (or whatever you do) to heal your wounds.

While sitting through this, I realized I carry a lot of my money insecurity wound, my insignificant wound, my not smart enough wound, and many more...

I have to heal all of these friggin bull💩 on my own.

And not rely on my business to heal me.

So I ask myself what do I really need for these healing to take place?

And the deeper answer is, I need rest, I need fun.

I need to care about what I really need first.

And yet I am too exhausted, so my answer is, I don’t know. Yet.

So I’ll just float down the river for a little bit and let it carry me wherever it goes.

And see what happens next... nothing has gone wrong.

If you’re feeling the same way, I want to let you know that you’re not alone.

Does the thought of speaking up in front of others make you second guess yourself, or make you want to hide? 

Maybe at work, you want to share more of your ideas at meetings. Or at home, you wish that you can tell your parents or in-laws to back off! Tell them to stop forcing you to do things you don’t want, or stop telling you how to do things. 

But every time you think about speaking up, you freeze. Your chest squeezes you like a vice, your mind screams, “They’re gonna get so upset!! Don't do it!!"

Yeah, what if they yell at me, ridicule me or kick me out?!

This is part of the “People-Pleasing Tendencies” we’d picked up since we were young. (Or as my coach calls it, “self-abandoning” tendency) 

If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone, and nothing is wrong with you. You’d just been brought up in a way where you never got a chance to exercise your voice.

And now that you want to use it, it feels super uncomfortable and scary. 

That’s why I’ve created 5 videos, “Stop People-Pleasing Tendencies”.

In the first video, I share with you how this tendency developed while growing up. 

In the second video, I highlight how we can separate our thought models from other people’s thought models. 

In the third video, I demonstrate how to acknowledge and allow ourselves to process our feelings. And once we allow for our own emotions, we can also allow others to have their own feelings, so we no longer feel the need to take responsibility for them.

In the fourth video, I share about the importance of calming down our nervous system. By doing so, we can think clearly on how we want to proceed. 

And in the last video, I teach you how to “visualize” our future in order for us to tap into our future self. Whether we want to be more confident speaking up at meetings, or stand up for ourselves in front of our parents or in-laws.

Bonus resources: If you’d like to learn more techniques to calm down your nervous system, I created a video called “3 Techniques to Reduce Stress and Anxiety”.

And if you want more help to process your anger or resentment, you can also sign up for my free resource, “Flip-the-Table”.

I believe that once we can master our emotions, then we will be more courageous to do the things that scare us, or hold us back. We will be less likely to be shaken up by other people’s reactions. And we have more confidence moving forward trying new things.

If after you have gone through these resources, and you have any question, you can always reach out to me. 

And if you feel you're ready to go on this journey, to become a more courageous version of you, I invite you to hop on a free 20-min call with me. 

I’d love to get to know you more, and we can see if we’re a good fit to work with each other. 

I offer a free pro-bono session where you can see my coaching style. If you want to work more closely with me, I offer various packages depending on your need.

I hope that these resources help you! And if you think others may benefit, I invite you to share them too!

Do you sometimes feel like, no matter how much you do, your mom, in-law or spouse (or someone else) would always criticize you, make a lot of inconsiderate requests, and show no appreciation toward what you do?

And at the same time, you’re worried about how to guide your kids to become more confident, so that they can stand up for themselves and showcase their brilliance?

I understand how difficult it can be to cultivate that courage and confidence to show up for me, so that I can show my son how he can stand up for himself.

Growing up as a daughter with a controlling mom, it wasn’t always easy.

My mom wanted everyone to do everything her way. If it wasn’t up to her standard, she would nag, criticize, yell just to impose her views and preferences onto others.

It could range from minor details like, the length of my haircut, to life-defining issues, like who I should marry.

And I realized that I was afraid, because I was scared of how she would react or respond to me when I went against her.

Learning how to navigate through the negative and explosive reactions was extremely challenging.

And yet, it was the most liberating things I did for me.

I stood strong for me, so that I can show my son how to stand strong for himself.

I am able to show him how I’m building my own business, while working full time.

I am able to show him how I stood on stage and spoke to a room full of people.

I am able to show him how to process his feelings. He understands that it’s ok when his friends don’t agree with him. And it’s ok to say no when his friends ask him to play and he doesn’t want to.

So many times as women, we put everyone else first, our kids, our spouses, our parents, our friends.

And we put ourselves last.

We’re so tired, and we still went out of our ways to do that thing for someone.

And in the end, when our kids see us doing all of that.. they also believe they have to sacrifice themselves, put themselves last, for other people in their lives…

If you’re at a point where you feel you’ve had enough of how other people are treating you, you’re ready to gain some confidence to stand up for yourself, because you want to demonstrate to your kids what confidence is all about, I’d love to support you.

Imagine, even though your mom is making outrageous requests, you can lovingly tell her, NO, and you do what’s best for you on your own time.

When your kids come to you to tell you their friends are being mean to them, you have the capacity to sit with them to process the disappointment and pain, and then teach them to say, I no longer want to spend time with these people anymore.

Or you finally have the courage to go back to school to get that degree that you want, or try that new thing that you want, and in turn, you can show your kids how to be courageous to go after their dreams!

What could that do for you and your kids?

If you’re interested, I’d love to get to know you and find out how I can help.

You can reply to this email, or you can book a free 20-min consultation with me.

After our call, if you feel we’re a great match, then we can discuss how we can work togethers.

Right now, I am offering 4 1:1 sessions for $200 CAD.

I’m looking for 5 women who are interested to do this work for themselves.

Because you deserve to step up and shine, and so do your kids!

This past Sat, I had a session with my client. And it was the perfect message that I also needed for myself.

If you’d never been to a coaching session before, coaching is not me giving you advice.

I personally believe that my clients already know the answer, and they already have the internal wisdom.

My job includes witnessing of their thoughts and feelings, sit with them through the dark spots, and holding up a light to shine on the future path.

And sometimes, what happens is when I shine that light onto their path, I also shine light onto my own.

On Sat, my client (hey there, if you’re reading) really wanted to put more time into honing her drawing and painting skills, but she was having trouble with starting her practice because she was concerned that she’d “spoil the paper”.

So I said to her, when your daughter did something that disappoint you, do you love her less? When your son got mad at you, do you love him less? She said no.

I said, these creations are your babies, (for now anyway, because later on, in order to showcase our work, we have to let go of that belief, or else we will be too protective of our work, and wouldn’t be able to showcase them), if the colour isn’t right, are you going to love it less? if there is a stroke that wasn’t meant to be there, are you going to love it less?

And as I was sharing this with her, my heart broke, because once again, I saw how harshly I treat myself.

I came down hard on myself when I struggle to learn a new skill.

I told myself all sorts of nasty things for needing time to flush out what I wanted to say.

And it is all ok.

Nothing has gone wrong.

I’m on my journey to loving myself.

And I am one step further along to realize this for me, so I can attempt to love myself again.

Coaching is not a one and done deal, it is an ongoing process, because I’m always evolving, breaking through to the next version of me.

It’s a loving paradox, loving myself where I am, and being excited for evolving into the next version of me.

If you’re interested in going on this journey, I invite you to book a free 20-min session with me, so that we can see where you’re at, where you want to go, and see if we’re a great fit to work with each other.

I want to let you know I love you, I see you, and if you need any support, I’m right here walking with you, you’re never alone on this journey.

How much are you doing right that is somehow hoping to please someone in your family, hoping that they will acknowledge you

Yesterday, I brought my son for cartwheel, and came upon a mom who had really high expectations of her daughter, which made me cry, and I recorded a video about it.

You can watch here.

It broke my heart… because how many of us are doing more just because we want to get other people’s love and approvals?

And how many of us, are turning that onto our kids, and creating a toxic cycle?

If you feel you’re always doing something in hopes to get validation, or you keep feeling like you haven’t done enough, then I’d like to invite you to take a look at where you’re at.

We are responsible to break this cycle, let’s not bring this toxicity into our kids and our future generations..

I’m always here if you need to connect and chat.

I finished watching the Brothers Sun with my husband this past weekend, and there are two big things I’d like to talk about: Choice and Creativity as a Chinese girl.

I’ll try to include as little spoilers as I can, but just in case you want to watch first before the discussion, then you may want to stop right here.

Verdict: highly recommend!!

*******************

Let’s dive in.

1 Choice

“NO ONE HAS EVER ASKED ME WHAT I WANT!!!!”

This was a line that jumped out at me the most in the entire season.

Choosing. Or more specifically, the lack of choice.

The freedom to choose is a concept fairly foreign to me while growing up.

While growing up, all I knew was that my parents sacrificed themselves to bring us to Canada to provide the best for me.

So I had to be a good girl, do my best, and do whatever I need to do to prevent bringing shame to the family.

And when I was dating my now husband, I was forced to pick between my mom or him.

Because of this, I had to experience lots of anger, blame, guilt, shame, resentment, disappointment.

AND along with it, I had to learn to be courageous to face the possibility of being disowned, or making a wrong decision.

So watching each of the main characters become bold enough to choose what’s best for themselves was quite exciting.

2 Creativity

One of the gripes my husband had with the show was why didn’t Michelle Yeoh’s character send her second son to learn Mandarin.

And I want to applaud that decision from the creators.

Because taking Mandarin means he’s “in the system”.

When one’s not in the system, that’s when they can see the whole system from a different perspective, and bring in new ideas to “solve problems.”

I know I am going to get a lot of slash back from saying this.

For me, many times I was asked if I send my son to Chinese class. I don’t want to, because he is not interested in it.

And people would tell me, well you need to force them.

I asked.. is it really good to force them?

First of all, if my son says no, and I am forcing my decision on him, I am taking his voice away. He will feel that he is not able to speak up. I’m practically telling him that his voice has ZERO value.

Second, if I force him to “learn” when he has no interest to learn, his mind is going to associate learning as “boring”.

I want him to see that learning something he’s interested in is better than being forced into something he doesn’t want. So he stays curious, and has the desire to try new things.

It makes him want to learn more, be more curious, and willing to go through with the challenges when it gets tough. (Doing it for himself vs for mom)

For me, being able to speak up, share ideas, stay curious, are valuable qualities to cultivate to become a leader who is creative.

Creativity means you have different ideas, and you’re not afraid to share it.

As a Chinese girl, I am done with feeling like I can’t speak up for myself and I’m not creative. So many times I believed that I had no good ideas that were worthy to be shared.

NOT TRUE!

I feel how my parents raised me and the education system had forced me to become “one-way” thinking, and I don’t want my son to be limited in his communication and his creative skills.

So I try my best not to force him into doing what he doesn’t want.

Overall, The Brothers Sun is amazing! And not to mention Justin Chien is really HOT and is an amazing actor. I highly recommend it if you are interested to watch it!

And if you’d watched it, what did you think about it? What was one thing that really resonated with you? Would love to hear about that!

When you were growing up, did you grow up in an environment where your parents kept telling you how to behave and what to do, no matter how you feel?

Recently, I watched a South Korean show where the camera followed the lives of one Family. They showed the parents’ interactions with their kids and their kids’ reactions. Afterwards, a child psychiatrist offered feedback for the parents on how to build better relationships with them.

If you’re interested to watch it, here’s the link

This family has a mom, a dad, and 6 kids (3 boys, 3 girls. The parents were having a “difficult time” with the middle son.

The parents complained about how their son was behaving disrespectfully, not doing enough house work, swearing at them/to his siblings, or not following the house rules, etc.

But the camera showed a very different story.

The parents were constantly angry with him. No matter how much the son did, the parents would keep criticizing him, nitpicking at him.

When he felt really stressed out and wanted to go outside for some fresh air (since there was no room for him to have alone time), his mom prevented him from going (it was 7pm).

When the parents decided they need to have a “talk with him” to find out what’s going on, they kept asking “What’s wrong with you? Speak up!” And when he didn’t respond, they pushed him further, asking “Why aren’t you speaking? Look me in the eyes.”

Just from watching that video, I felt the suffocation and tightness in my chest, the anger of unfairness, the stifled voice that was dismissed. UNLESS the words were exactly what the parents wanted to hear, otherwise, it meant nothing.

And on the other end, I also saw how much the parents were struggling. I could only imagine the amount of pressure they were facing in order to raise a family that ‘meets societal expectations’.

I am so happy at the end, the child psychiatrist was able to work with the family, so they could have a happy relationship.

But this is the toxic cycle.

The parents' voices were stifled, they were expected to behave a certain way, even when they didn't want to.

So they forced their kids to act a certain way, by any means, get angry at them, kick them out of the house, nag at them, nitpick at them, force them to do things, etc.

Then the kids end up being rebellious and explode at the parents/other people, or they may go into depression. (and when they have a family of their own, they may end up yelling and criticizing their own kids)

The bad news is, if we don't stop it, the toxic cycle continues.

Sometimes, this could lead some families to have extremely poor parent/child relationship. For some, they may consider ending their lives because they couldn't handle the stress.

The good news is, something can be done about it.

We can heal our pains and learn new skills to break this cycle.

Imagine you can have a better relationship with your kids. Where they actually want to come to you to talk through their problems, they feel safe enough to share, and you have the skills to navigate through both your own emotions and help them navigate through theirs.

Or when your spouse, parents, or in-laws keep pushing you for more, or saying awful things to you, you can finally say, “This is inappropriate, you’re not allowed to speak to me this way anymore.”

It’s possible!

If you feel it's time for you to take the next step to break this toxic cycle, I can help with that.

I invite you to hop on a free 20-min consult with me. During this time, I’ll get to know you some more and we can see if we’re a good fit to work with each other.

I know sometimes we may feel really alone….am I the only one going through this?

And I know it can feel very scary to do this on our own.

I can assure you that you are not alone, and you don’t have to work through this by yourself. You can have someone walk through this journey with you.

Let’s do this together.

Book a session now. 

Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach

TORONTO, ONTARIO CANADA

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