Recently, I’d been coaching a few people on dealing with their critical or demanding mothers (or in-laws).
They are getting fed up and upset because all they wanted is for their moms to change. Wanting their moms to show them acceptance, understanding, love, appreciation….
Here’s what usually happens, their moms:
Always find ways to criticize them.
Always tell them how they should do things.
Always question if they made the right decision.
Always ask them for more money, more help….
Never appreciate what they’d done.
Never care about their feelings.
Never try to understand what’s really going on in their lives.
If you’re dealing with the same thing, I understand how upset, frustrated and helpless you feel.
And I also want to share this sad news with you:
Your mom (or in-law) is NOT going to change.
It doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it, but accepting this fact will help you move forward.
It is important to grief for the loss and heal the pain.
Grieving for the loss of the “ideal mom” that you never have.
And taking time to process the pain that they’d caused you.
Then moving on to decide HOW YOU want to show up in the relationship.
You can still have a relationship with your mom. Maybe, it can be…
🤔I only visit twice a month for 2 hours each time.
🤔I talk to my mom once a month on the phone.
🤔I don’t talk to her at all.
And when she acts in her old ways, you get to decide how you want to respond and stand up for you.
It takes time to set up the boundaries, yet it can be done.
You are the owner of your life, and learning to stand strong and speak up for yourself is an important part of living your life.
If you’re ready to say, NO MORE! I want to do this for me! and you’re interested to explore what is possible for you, book a 20 min consult with me, and see where it can take you.
First of all, I just want to say thank you, thank you for all that you’d done. For your family, for your kids, for your spouse, your parents, your in-laws. All the things you did for your friends, and even to that stranger you just met.
So it is important for me to ask you to pause.
Pause right here.
Because, Thank you.
I see you. I see all the things you’re doing for others.
I also see all the times you held yourself back.
When other people ask how you’re doing, even though part of you is screaming, I need help! I’m falling part! I have no idea what I'm doing! I’m struggling and would really appreciate some help here!…
Another part of you quickly brush it to one side, slap a smile on your face, and said, “Everything’s going fine!”
And as quickly, you diverted the question back to them, asking what they’d been up to, what they’d been dealing with, to see how you could help them…
Just so that you could feel better.
But this better was only temporary.
Because this buried voice would rear its ugly head from time to time
What about me???
I’d done so much for you, why wouldn’t you do the same for me??
Why does no one seem to care?
Then Guilt takes over, and words of scorn slashes across your head. Of course no one cares, look how selfish you are!
You haven’t done enough!
If you’re capable, you wouldn’t be struggling!
So you buckle up and move on.
Taking on the world again all by yourself.
…
I want to say I see all that.
I see you.
Because for the most part, that was me, that is still me. Trying to take care of everything on my own.
And yet, it doesn’t have to be this way.
I can lay down the judgement. I can ask for help and accept what is given to me.
I have to see that I am worthy to be taken care of. See that I am valuable to share my voice. And it means nothing about me if and when I do ask for help.
It is in fact necessary, and honourable for me to ask for me. So that I can take care of me.
Putting myself first no matter what.
It is not selfish, but necessary, in order to love all of me, to fill my own cup, so I can help others even more.
If you’re struggling with things in your life, reach out to me.
I want you to know that I see you, and I understand. You’re not alone. So let’s do this together.
Last night, I watched this movie called In and Of Itself by Derek Delgaudio. He addressed the meaning of identity, how it is formed, how other people see us, how we see ourselves.
He presented it in an extremely interesting way, so if you ever get a chance to watch it, I highly recommend.
But if you don’t, here’s one part that hit me in my chest!
He shared this story about 5 men coming upon this thing, and they really wanted to figure out what it is.
The one problem is, all of them are blind.
Maybe you’ve heard it before.
So one of the men was touching one part, and he said, it’s thick on the top, it’s narrow on the bottom, and it’s wet at the end! Oh it’s a snake!
The other man on the other side said, nope, it’s skinny and narrow, and have hair at the end, it’s a rope.
The third said, it’s round and thick, and has 4 of them, these are just 4 tree trucks.
The next one said, it’s hard and broad on the side, it’s just a wall.
The last man said, it’s thin, flat and leathery, and it’s just flapping around.. it’s a fan.
And if you’d heard it before, you know that they were all talking about an elephant.
But Derek said, he’s read through all the versions of the story, yet no one ever talk about the perspective of the elephant.
Imagine you’re the elephant, just roaming and minding your own business. And then all of a sudden a group of people came up to you and started touching you all over, then they went off to discuss and decide what you are.
I mean sure, they got it right. But they were discussing amongst themselves AND deciding that you are indeed an elephant.
But what if, you are actually a magical creature, where you did have a snake for a nose, a rope on the back, tree trunks as legs, walls for your sides, and fans for ears…
And instead of seeing you as the magical creature that you are, they tried to CONVINCE YOU THAT YOU ARE JUST AN ELEPHANT!
😭😭😭
I bursted out crying when I heard that, because that was exactly how I felt for my whole life, other people deciding who I am, who I’m not, what I can do, and what I can’t do… to the point where I held myself sooo small…
My mom saying,
“You’re not special, you’re not pretty, just ordinary…. Which is a good thing.”
“Oh you’re not as smart as those people who can do business, their brain switches so fast… you’re only meant to work for an employer.”
“Don’t sell yourself and make a big deal out of things, because no one would want to be your friend anymore.”
One box, one chain, one after another, after another.
When we were born, our potential are all equal. We can all do extremely amazing things, and extremely terrible things.
And along the way, how other people treat us, how we were brought up, and how we think about ourselves, our environment, they all formed how we view ourselves.
It’s like a jar of fleas.
Fleas could jump so high. Yet during this experiment, scientists put a bunch of fleas in a jar with a lid, and overtime, they learned to jump just a little bit lower than the lid so they won’t hurt themselves.
To the point where, when the scientists remove the lid, none of them would jump out of the jar.
And interestingly, their offsprings also did the same.
I was fed those sentences and beliefs, because my parents, my ancestors, had to go through all those hardship… and in order to protect the next generation from “getting hurt”, from “getting disappointed”, they tried to limit us.
So I cried for myself.
I also cried for my mom.
And my dad.
And for everyone who had come before me.
For all the trauma they’d gone through, where they passed on their beliefs through our genes, through verbal communication, through their actions, to me.
AND I want to undo all of them for me.
For my son, for his children, and for their children.
Because I AM a magical creature, and I am not going to let other people to tell me that I am JUST an elephant.
And neither are you.
Because you are also a magical creature, and I see you as who you are.
If you’re ready to let go of the boxes and chains that limit you, I am offering 4 free 1:1 sessions to 5 people. I have 2 more spots left!
To be quite frank with you, it’s super difficult for me to write these posts and share my stories.
I’d been working on showing up. And each step of the way is like pulling teeth!
Last night, I came across this short clip from One Piece, and I want to illustrate what it means to have the courage to show up.
This clip had to do with 3 of the main characters getting off their ship to find treasure. To do so, they had to swing across the cloud of sharks in order to get onto land.
You can watch this video and I wanted to share 3 critical moments with you.
Point 1: 0:36-0:44, Nami heard there was treasure, so even though she was scared, she said yes! = 8 seconds (finding our dreams and desires)
Point 2: 1:24-1:46, Nami’s turn to swing from the ship = 22 seconds. (Navigating our fear)
Point 3: 1:47-1:58 Nami screaming while swinging = 11 seconds. (Actually doing it)
Point 3 is usually where people refer to as bravery -> Just do it! And dismisses Point 2!
In this clip, note how Point 2 lasted 22 seconds and point 3 lasted 11 seconds.
In real life, Point 2 could last for years…
But NO ONE ever talks about Point 2!
For me, this is the scariest part, because my 8 year old self knew that if I show up, I could get it wrong and get hurt. (My mom used to hit me when I gave a wrong answer while studying).
And this is how it looked like for me as an adult: I had Point 1. I wanted to implement Point 3, but I was holding myself back…
I’d get super frustrated at myself for not doing it! So I’d say: "How useless are you!" "Why can’t you do this?" "What’s wrong with you?"
Extremely nasty.
This past year, I learned to sit with myself a lot at Point 2 to process the hurt, the fear, and all the big emotions, so I could shorten this period of time.
So I could call on bravery.
Do I still feel scared?
Of course! Like Nami, I still scream at Point 3.
But courage doesn’t just come from Point 3, majority of it is cultivated at Point 2.
Maybe for some of us, we have an idea of what we want (Point 1), and we really want to take the leap (Point 3), but we are frustrated at ourselves because we couldn’t get ourselves to move! So we beat ourselves up, over and over again.
What if, what if, nothing has gone wrong.
We just got stuck at Point 2, because we were never taught how to process that stuck feeling.
That is why I am offering my newest offer: Getting Unstuck.
Where I help you process all those extreme feelings, so you can finally breathe and get a clear picture of where you want to go.
If you’re interested in it, I am offering 4 1:1 sessions to 5 people. (Newest update: 2 of the spots are already taken!), so 3 spots left!
Sign up now if you believe you’d benefit from it.
Know that you’re not alone. I love you, I see you, and I understand. Let’s do this together.
I want to share something special with you! I created a freebie that I’m super excited about!
Are you fed up with having to deal with how people are treating you?
Maybe someone you know has been continuously criticizing or judging you?
Maybe every time you see them, they would tell you how you’re raising your kids wrong, and doesn't hesitate to give their 2 cents on how they would do it.
Or maybe they keep asking you to do more things for them, yet they are never thankful for what you’d done?
Well, enough is enough!
It’s time we set up some boundaries! That's why I have created this free video just for you!
Don't miss it! Sign up now!
Is there something you really want to do in your life if you’re a bit more “courageous”?
You may think courage is only needed for things like speaking on stage.
But what about standing up to your mom to tell her to stop criticizing you?
How about telling your boss, “no I cannot handle this other thing that you put on my plate”?
And maybe telling your spouse that it is time they stop yelling at you, or being disrespectful to you?
These things also take courage.
Last Friday, my colleagues and I were filming a segment of Christmas song for a fun video, and one of them brought in a moose hat and a reindeer hat.
She was going to wear the moose hat, but because my other colleague didn’t want to wear the reindeer hat, so she refused to wear the moose hat. She said, “I can’t wear that!” I said, “Yes you can”
Nope, she refused to wear it because other people are not wearing it. So I ended up wearing it, all by myself.
Yes, being different takes courage.
Often times, we hear sentences like, Don’t be scared! Just do it! Just show up! You’ll never be ready, so do it anyways!
Sounds good! BUT..
There is another side to this, which is what I often face when I tap into my courage. And I want to share this with you.
After I had done that thing that is scary,
I always end up criticizing myself for not being good enough
I always end up comparing myself to other people even though I know intellectually I am comparing 🍎 to 🍊
I become extremely anxious, self-conscious, self-loathing, and I wonder why I even show up.
“Look at you! You looked like a fool!”
“Look how mad you made your mom!!”
“Who do you think you are, there are other people who are saying the same thing better than you!”
Nothing has gone wrong, because when we become courageous to show up and stand for something, it’s like how cavemen and cavewomen went out to fight the tiger, the lion the crocodile in the old days!
There is a pre-fight: Holy shit!! What is this thing!! I have to fight it!
There is a during-the-fight: arrrrrhhhhh let’s go!!!! Dammit It’s too strong!
There is a post-fight: OMG that was so scary! I can’t believe I almost got killed!
It is all part of the nervous system activation!! So it is normal!
In the old days, we have a beast to blame.
Nowadays, we have nothing to blame except us! (How could you be so rude to your mom?!) So cue the self-devaluing things we say to ourselves!
Nothing has gone wrong.
I am learning to take time for me to recalibrate my mind.
When this voice comes up, I learn to sit with it and say, “Hey, whatever it is, it’s not true. You don’t need to compare, you don’t need to put yourself down. You’re ok. Everything is ok.”
And “HEY!!! What an awesome incredible job to stand up for you and show up!!”
Part of being courageous to show up, is the need to put in 2x+ the amount of time to prepare the mind for the actual thing; and 2x+ the amount of time for the mind to recover!
And it’s rare other people show you this, or talk about this.
Let’s normalize this!
Before showing up (I mean even sharing this email with you), I had to prepare my own mind. “What if they don’t like me? What if they hate me?” I actually have to say to my mind, hey, no one is going to hate you, and if they really hate it, they can unsubscribe, or you can block them.
During showing up while doing the thing, my heart would be pounding and my mind would say, “Claudia, what the f are you doing!!! stop it now!!”
After showing up, I deal with all the self doubt, sometimes get sad when I see people unsubscribed; or get upset when other people get mad at me, and then I also tell myself, hey, they have to learn to take care of their own emotions! And YOU DID IT!! You showed up and that’s all it matters!!!!!
There is a lot of ugly stuff I had to learn to deal from behind this “act of courage”.
So, if there is something you really want to do, but find you can’t do it yet… you’re not alone.
Maybe, just maybe it is because this action takes courage.
Just for today, decide at which stage you’re at, are you at the pre-stage? During- stage? Or Post- stage?
Becoming aware of this is the first step.
I applaud you for dealing with the things in your life! I celebrate you!
If you would like some support to go forward with what you want, you can always reach out to me! I am here to help. Send me an email or book a time with me!
On another note, I’d been working on something and I’m really excited about it! I can’t wait to share it with you!!!
Watch out for this in the upcoming email!
Thank you so much for reading!
Just want you to know, you are loved and cared for. You are not alone.
October 22nd, 2022.. I was ugly crying on the sofa in my hotel room in Paris, because I blanked out in the middle of my speech earlier that day.
I so desperately wanted to nail the speech because I craved for my coach’s praises… I yearned to see that sparkle in her eyes while speaking highly of me! I hungered for her to tell the world how proud she was of me! And yet I failed… and I saw that disappointment flashed across her eyes. And that disappointment reminded me of my mom.
That painful realization of how much I needed other people to validate me hit me like a ton of bricks 🧱
And at that moment I said this to myself: “Claudia Chan! I am proud of you, for standing on stage and failing!”
I learned to be proud of myself, to be my own cheerleader whether I fail or succeed.
One year later, I was standing on a beautiful stage in the same dress(!), and I delivered one of the most powerful speeches!
This speech was a journey, and it only captured a small glimpse of the bigger journey I personally went through.
Two weeks prior to me speaking on stage, my friend asked me.. what if you could sit in the possibility that no matter how hard you try, you won’t get the result you craved?
It took me a while to understand what he was trying to say. But as I dived deep into my own subconscious mind, I came face to face with the “intense dissatisfaction of my “current” situation”, one that I had experienced since I was in highschool.
When I was in my teenage years, I always felt “trapped”, because no one seemed to understand me, all I wanted was to drop everything, move somewhere, and restart my life.
And since then, I had created “Limbo” in my head, and in this space, all I wanted was to get myself out of this unpleasant situation, whether through walking, running, or even crawling… I had to get out.
And that was why I worked so hard, because I didn’t want to be in “Limbo”.
I walked, in my subconscious mind, for 25+ years… that was the most exhausting realization… so I made myself slow down, and come to a stop…
It was like watching one of those movies, where the actor was desperately trying to escape, and she was running and stumbling, and eventually came to a stop due to exhaustion and hopelessness, and then she dropped to her knees, and ended up wailing and crying... That was the moment for me when I stopped… I came crashing down ugly crying in front of my friend for 20 min. and then silence... then peace. I could finally stop hustling for the sake of getting out.
At that moment, I was asked to a look at this place called the “Limbo”, at first, it looked like a scene out of a zombie movie, where everything was run down and neglected. And THEN! I realized I could change the scenery in this space to however I wanted it to look.
If you’d seen Lego Batman movie, it was like how the Joker transformed the Wayne Manor into a Jokers theme park. And that was what I did. The buildings in my Limbo turned into a scene in Japan, where I could go shopping, and had ramen… and I built a stage for the little girl inside of me, so she could sing to her heart’s content.
And from there, that was how I stepped on stage.
Whether I win or not, I was giving my voice a place to speak, to share my stories, to share my findings.
To bring fun and joy to other people.
Thank you for walking through this journey with me. Thank you for witnessing me. I appreciate you being in my life.
I am proud to present to you my speech. “The Joys of Chicken Dinner”
