So I got pretty pissed off yesterday, because I spent 2 hours typing out all five of my stories in the note app on my laptop. But when I went to retrieve it on my phone, the wifi on my laptop glitched. So rather than my phone synching to my laptop’s update, my laptop synched to my phone’s update. And I lost everything.
Which means I had to type it all out again.
So today, I’m going to share with you Story #2 of why coaching helped me with my life.
Maybe you’d read it before, maybe this is the first time you’re reading this.
When I was dating my now husband, my parents disapproved of my relationship. For four years, between 2011-2015, my household flipped upside down.
Each time I went out with Anthony, I tip toed around the house while getting ready. Then as I went down the stairs, I took a deep breath in, walk briskly up to my mom to say, “Ma, I’m not coming home for dinner tonight”, bracing for any glaring eyes, scowl on the face, or loud yelling, then I would dash out the door to avoid any bombs going off.
During those four years, guilty sat on my chest, as I witnessed the nightly panic attacks or the breast cancer that my mom went through.
Then on this one winter night in 2015, the words finally came, “If you love mom, then give up your relationship!”
The world stopped spinning for a moment.
You mean… if I go after what I want, that means I don’t love mom?
But, why do I have to give up what I want for someone else?
At that moment, I saw two paths. On one side, I decided to let go, my family was happy, and yet I plunged into darkness. On the other hand, I chose the love of my life, and yet my heart shred to pieces as I watch my family walk away…
It wasn’t easy, and yet I was grateful for all the people who were willing to listen to me, and supported me in my decisions, giving me the strength.
I also had to overcome the fear of potentially making a mistake. I kept thinking, what if this is the wrong choice and my mom was right? I had to come to terms that, no matter what happens, it is my responsibility to take care of myself.
I did eventually choose myself.
This happened way before I came across coaching.
And yet, when I started on my coaching journey, I found myself healing through many of those ups and downs. It took care of my old wounds and pains.
Even though the ordeal was over, my body never had a chance to process all the fear, the guilt, the shame, the frustration, the disappointment, the grief.
Even a week or so ago, when I saw this one line on an IG post, I started crying.
“Promise me, that even when we fight, you still believe I’m a good person”
My younger self needed to hear that…
even though I fought tooth and nail with my mom, I still wanted to hear that I am a good person, a good daughter, a good girl.
I know that there are many people who are going through this with their family, with their parents. And as a coach, I am here as a guide, as a companion. Because I wished that there was someone who was able to support me, and guide me through.
And this wraps up my second story of how coaching benefited me.
Every time I got asked the question of how I got into coaching, my brain would usually say, man.. I don’t know what I want to share.
Because there are so many experiences that coaching helped me in my life, so it wasn’t only one thing that got me into it.
In today's entry and the next four days, I’d like to touch on 5 stories.
Story 1: My circumstances don’t define me.
The main one that started it all happened in my teens.
I was sitting in my room, staring out the window. As I was looking out into the backyard of all our neighbouring houses, and saw the blue sky.. I thought.. is this all there is to life?
My mom kept telling me that she wanted me to finish school, get a job, and she would be satisfied, because she wanted to make sure that I could support myself, take care of myself.
But I wanted more.. I wanted to do more in my life, I wanted to have more in my life.
Yet my mom’s voice echoed in my head:
“You’re not smart enough, the people who have businesses have brains that can turn very fast. Yours? Your brain turns too slowly.”
“You’re not articulate enough. If you share about what you want to sell, people will stop being your friend.”
“Life is like this, you have to accept it for what it is.”
Shame, of not being smart enough, articulate enough.
Fear, of being rejected by others.
Defeat, that I can’t do anything about my circumstance.
They swirled in my head and laid heavy in my chest. Feeling inadequate.
I wish.. I wish that I could shadow people who are smarter, more successful. I wish I could hear what they talk about with others, how they say things, how they think, what they do, how they do it, how to problem solve. If I can get a glimpse into what they do, maybe I can learn from them.
I always wished that my mom would guide me more, support me more, and here she is.
I learned that, it is because my mom didn’t support me, so I have to support myself even more. Look for my own people, mentors. So I can change my own life.
And this is how it all started…
Sometimes, because of how we were raised, maybe there is a part of us that believe that "this is what it is", or "this is all there is".
But what if, it is not true? What if we can change our lives around. What if we can have a dream and make it come true?
What if the reason why it feels true is because of all the things we are fed while growing up? What if your circumstance don't define who you are?
If that is the case, what would you want for yourself?
With this being the end of the year, I wanted to recount some of the things I had fun with.
So here are a few things that brought me a lot of joy this year.
First, I finished reading all the Demon Slayer Manga with my son. There are 23 volumes altogether, and I completed all of that with him. And for Halloween, my husband got him a Tanjiro costume (main character), and he was super excited about it.
I am in the middle of reading Naruto with my son. There are 72 volumes, and we are close to vol 50(!)
I downloaded the Pikmin Bloom game, recommended by my friend Janet. And I’d been walking a bit more, (like doing lunch time walks when I don’t usually go outside).
I started playing Assassin’s Creed. Oh man… this game is the death of me. Other than Final Fantasy XIV, this one definitely turns me into a sailor, (I swore non-stop at the screen). And it’s super satisfying when I get to assassinate my targets! At one point, I started looking at my surroundings with new eyes (ohh.. my character can jump from here to there! Ohh there’re the red dots - the security!)
I helped my son finish (more like I finished) the 1000 piece puzzle, with all the characters in the Simpsons.
I started roller skating. And even though I still suck at it, I was able to skate a little better.
I finished the watching the 20 episodes k-drama, the King’s Affection, with my husband.
Also, recently, I stumbled upon a book by one of my favourite illustrators, Takagi Naoko. I learned about her about 15 years ago. She wrote about her dreams of becoming an illustrator in Tokyo. She moved from Mie to Tokyo in 1998. Her books included things like life in Tokyo, her trips to different hot springs, food she found around Japan, etc. I loved her books.
I stopped following her because when I used to get her books, I would have to ask one of my friends, who were either going back to Hong Kong, or going to Japan, to look for the books to get them for me.
So two days ago, I was at the mall with my husband. At this mall (Markville mall), the book store got relocated to a bigger spot. When we went inside, I found out they now have a Chinese section. I got curious so I went up to check out what they have. The first thing that caught my eye was Takagi Naoko’s newest book, “Eat it all, Bento Diary”! This is her 20th anniversary edition book. I found out that she is now married, have a daughter. And this book consists of different stories about the bentos she either made or bought.
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The one on the right is the newest book. The one on the left is one of her first books called “Going to Tokyo by Oneself”
I am still floored, to find a Japanese illustration book, that has been translated into Chinese, which I found in the Chinese corner of a Western book store in Canada. 🤯
I’m so excited and proud of Takagi Naoko, because that is an amazing feat!
I still remembered her story about taking that step, moving from a small town to Tokyo. All because of a dream. Then being bold enough to take an action. Even when she kept doubting herself, wondering if she made a mistake.
Our lives, we are given this life to live it.
What if at any point in time, you can make a change, and it’s not too late to do what you want?
Life is all about both the positive and the negative.
Let’s keep having more fun this coming 2025. Have a great new year!!
I was in Gr 2.
For homework, we were given a piece of paper, with the cut outs of the windmill printed on the paper. Along with it, we were given a small pearl straight pin, and a plastic straw.
When I got home, I was so excited to get started!! There were hard lines and dotted lines on the print out, so I cut out the windmill carefully with scissors.
Then I looked at the cut out.. I knew I was supposed to bring part of it to the middle.
I brought the pointy part to the centre.. but it didn’t look right.
“Mommy can you help me with this?”
When she saw it.. she sighed.
“That’s not how you do it!” She grumbled.
Then sat down, and took over the project, the entire time, she had a scowl on her face.
A lump formed in my chest and tears welled up my eyes…
I’m so dumb.. I don’t know how to do this on my own, and mom is mad at me.
That was the fixed mindset environment I grew up in.
That I was either good at something, or I’m too dumb for it.
And for me, I was too dumb for many things.
I believed that I was the problem, and I just wasn’t good enough.
What I needed, was my mom to guide me, to show me, to let me know that it was okay that I didn’t know. I just had to take time to learn.
Yet, I had to learn on my own that it is okay not to know.
It is okay to suck at stuff in the beginning.
It’s okay to make mistakes.
I also had to learn that there are people who are good at things, and suck at teaching.
My mom sucked at teaching.
Sometimes, we have a tendency to not ask for help, because we sometimes don’t want to get judgement or poor reactions thrown at our faces.
Other times, when other people react poorly at us, rather than understanding that they are the problem, we may believe that we are the problem.
Have you ever been in a situation where you just needed some help or reassurance, but instead, you ended up thinking that something’s wrong with you?
I just want you to know that you’re not alone in on this.
Nothing is wrong with you for not knowing, or needing to ask for help. Nothing is wrong with you for wanting guidance.
You just didn’t get a proper response.
If you want to do something that calls you to, go and do that thing. I’d like to invite you to go after it. With the new year coming ahead, it’s not too late, you’re not too stupid (or too fat, or too weak, or whatever you put). You still get to try it. Find the people who are willing to show you, and go for it for you. Let's break the cycle of the fixed mindset, and get more into the growth mindset.
Overcoming my perfectionism was one of the things that was hardest for me.
Since I was young, my mom had taught me never show others my flaws.
Things have to be well put together, never share with others I was struggling.
In Chinese, there is a saying, “Lifting up your shirt to show off your belly”, which means to share these vulnerable stories with others.
These are things no one wants to see.
These are things that bring shame to the person and to the family.
So when I was dating my now husband, and my mom and I were arguing with each other.. she told me to never share any of our fights with him.
Because these are “internal struggles” within the family, and it shouldn’t leak out.
One should never tell others what’s underneath, to protect our dignity, to save face.
It was extremely difficult for me to do, because it was such a big emotional toll. So I did share it with him and others at the time.
And then when I started sharing more about myself with the world, my internal voice kept questioning, kept criticizing.
That is too much info, you’re bringing shame to the family
This is too vulnerable, no one really cares.
No one wants to know about it.
No one cares about it.
Thinking that no one really cares is one of the hardest things I had to work though in my psyche.
I didn’t want to share it with others, because I didn’t want to burden them.
More over, I didn’t want to get hurt, or disappointed, if it was somehow true.
And even more important than that.. do I care?
Do I care enough about me to share what’s on my mind?
Even when no one will listen to me, do I value my opinions enough for me to speak out?
Even when other people cast me aside, do I see myself as someone worthy to be heard?
I had to work on finding evidence of the contrary, because whatever one believes, one will find.
There are still times I fall back into the old logic, maybe no one cares…
And each time, I get to choose.
I choose to care abut myself.
I choose to value my opinions.
I choose to see myself worthy.
Because I maybe not be so important, and I’m very important at the same times.
So I choose to lift up my shirt for others to see.
To share my stories even when they may bring shame.
So that people can also know that they are not alone in this world.
Sharing is not to bring shame. It takes strength and courage to share. And at the same time, I care enough about me.
Sometimes, we have a tendency to hold back on sharing, maybe we may think that the other person is too busy to hear us out.
Other times, we may be afraid that, if we share too much, maybe the other person may get scared away.
Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to share a story, and yet when it was about to come out, you changed your mind and stopped yourself from sharing?
I had found myself in those situations often.
I just want to let you know that, you're not alone. If you'd like a place to share something with us, you have a chance tomorrow.
My friend Phoebe and I are hosting our end of the year Radiant Blossom, we'll be recounting some of the things that we'd gone through this year.
If you're up for it, send me a message and mark it in your calendar so you can join us. Tomorrow, Dec 27th 8pm EST (Dec 28th 9am Beijing Time).
These past few years, I had been exploring and embracing more fun and joy in my life.
Through playing video games or watching k-dramas, I learned that part of it was to either level up or to complete the entire series. And I had to shift my brain into looking at them from the “fun” angle.
Even yesterday, our son pulled out the 1000 piece puzzle of the Simpsons (there were probably 500 characters), and he wanted me to help me. And I thought, of all things.. why did you pull this out?!
So today, I spent majority of my time putting the puzzle together, and it’s 80% done.
And I actually enjoyed it, spending time with my son, looking up each character, and locating where each piece goes.
(The other reason why I wanted to do it, is to show him that, things are difficult, and if we take each step one at a time, we can finish it).
I am learning to embrace each moment, to say, hey I am enjoying it, not just working hard, but to live.
Because this is life.
Often times, we have a tendency to focus on our to-do list, and when it’s done, we may move quickly to the next thing. And we may even choose to do what we’re supposed to do, rather than what we really want to do.
Have you ever found yourself pushing aside the things you want to do, because you have a thought that, it is “not productive”?
I do that often myself.
And for this upcoming year, I also want to continue to bring more fun into my life.
So I wish that for this holiday and new year, I hope that you get to embrace that part of you, so you get to experience that joy and wonder.
This is my conversation I had with my “perfectionism”. What came out of it was the message of: it’s because you hadn’t been practicing, so I had to protect you. 😅 So I’m showing up, renewing my commitment to creating videos again.
