So last night, I was talking to my husband, and I said, you know, one of the things I really wanted to do for this year is to focus more on what I want to do.
I mean I have been roller skating, reading a lot of mangas with Damien, and we even binge watched the King’s Affection.
But still… for the most part, my mind still goes on a rampage, questioning why I don’t do certain things because the things I do have to be productive, business related, home related, work related…
And I am tired.
So Anthony asked, ok so if you really have a lot of time, what would you want to do.
And I said, I don’t know, maybe skate more, sleep more, play more games, binge watched shows more?
So Anthony was like, then take a few weeks off, or maybe Jan off to do whatever you want.
And I thought.. well.. since it is Dec 16th and it’s the last 16 days of the year… why don’t I just start doing whatever I want?
And no beating myself up over it.
If I pick something up because I want to, I do it.
If I put it down because I’m bored, I do it.
If I want to go lie down, I do it.
If I want to write an email, I do it.
If I don’t want to respond, I don’t do it.
If I don’t want to clean up, I don’t do it.
I just allow.
So now, I want to share this email with you, to ask you to join me in this end of year challenge. For the last 15 days of 2024, you get to do whatever you want.
And even if you feel guilty, it’s ok.
Even if you get yelled at, you can go and yell at the other person, it’s ok.
If you need permission, I give you permission.
Here, Permission given. Go, have fun, and let me know what comes up (or if you don’t want to, you don’t have to)
You can’t connect with others (or even yourself) when you’re protecting yourself.
This is a quote I heard from my mentor, Sean Smith, today.
He was talking about how we sometimes wish for deeper connection with others (to show them who we really are), but because of the fact that we don’t want to get hurt, we end up closing ourselves off.
Two ingredients that are needed are safety, and courage.
Because when we don’t feel safe, we don’t open up.
And if we lack courage to change, we’ll remain the same.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t have the people who can offer us a safe space. Also, we’re rarely encouraged to be different in our lives.
So for the month of September, I’ll be hosting two Magic Circle sessions.
Both sessions will be a free time for us to come together for open sharing and deep listening.
We’ll get a chance to share about anything on our mind, and we also hold space for others to talk.
The first one will be on Monday Sept 9th, 9pm EST.
The second one will be on Saturday September 21st 9am ET.
In terms of what we’re going to share, you can share anything that is on your mind, or I will be giving prompts as a guide. I will feel more into the session when the time comes.
The aim for the Magic Circle is two folds.
First is to offer a safe space so we can allow our body, mind and soul to be open.
The second is to cultivate that necessary courage to be who we are.
Allowing ourselves to speak up in a safe space will build up our courage to speak more of our truths in the real world.
Interested in this? Sign up here.
And mark your calendar.
Monday Sept 9th, 9pm EST.
Saturday Sept 21st, 9am ET.
I’ll see you there.
Happy September!!!
I had the last week to Aug off to prepare for our son going to Gr 2, we had a few days of fun, and then I got sick.
But since it’s September, so want to come back to share my tips and tricks to help you stand for yourself.
I’m a pretty aggressive driver, so I get road rage a lot.
Anyway, yesterday, I was trying to make a left turn, and there was a car that was about to do a right turn (from the oncoming traffic), but it was too slow, so I went first, and of course, the driver honked at me. So I thought, “Yeah yeah, whatever, you’re too slow.”
Today while driving, I was about to come to the light to make a right turn, there was no car in my lane, but two cars on the left lane. As I was coming closer to the intersection, the second car on the left lane decided to come into my lane to be the “first” car. But it was heading straight, so I was stuck behind this car for the entire light. I was like, you little F-ker…
But funny enough, I didn’t really get too angry today. I was like.. humm.. interesting… maybe it’s because I allowed myself to be an a-hole yesterday, so today, I let this person be the a-hole.
And this is exactly what I wanted to try with you today.
Often times, we feel as if other people are forcing us to do things against our wishes. And we’d get so mad! How can they be so disrespectful!
Arrggg, my mom is forcing me to invite more of her friends that I don’t know to my wedding! 😡😡😡
Oh gosh…. My friend is once again calling me to help her with whatever emergency she has to deal with in her life! 😩😩😩
And we’d often get mad or frustrated at them because we felt as if we’re forced into the situation, and we had no choice.
Yet, we do have a choice.
We just didn’t want make that choice because we don’t want to be an a-hole.
We want to be the good daughter, good friend.
And I get it. Because we’d always been the good daughter, the good friend.
So for once, let’s allow ourselves to be the a-hole! So we can say no.
Even just for once in our mind, so we can visualize it for a bit.
If you have a scenario in your head, you can use that too.
So here’re the steps:
First is to declare your desire, what do you want in your situation?
Maybe you don’t want anymore of your mom’s friends at your wedding.
Or you don’t want to take care of your friend’s emergencies any longer.
What about you? What do you want?
Now that you’ve decided, then make this declaration:
I allow myself to be an a-hole!
Which means, if you’re an a-hole, how does it feel like in your body?
For me, I feel as if my shoulders are back, I’m proud of myself, I don’t give two-💩’s about people’s feelings, they can react anyway they want, and I don’t care.
What about you? If you’re an a-hole how does it feel for you?
And once you got that feeling, just imagine doing that thing you want.
Play it out in your head…
Imagine saying to mom, no more of your friends at my wedding!
Or imagine saying to the friend, I am tired of taking care of your BS emergencies! I’m not doing it anymore!
Just imagine doing that thing you want to do….
How does that feel?
Yeah,.. kind of weird. And yet, this is the necessary first step to standing up for you.
Because guess what?
Standing up for yourself means the guilt-trip will come,
the dramatic cries will come,
the deadly silences will come.
Even though you’re not really an a-hole, in their eyes, you will be one.
So you can use this as one of your visualization exercises.
You don’t actually need to be an a-hole to them.
It’s just when you can allow yourself to be one, then you can allow others to be however they want to be.
And you’ll be more prepared in dealing with their outbursts.
I hope this helps you in your journey of YOU!
I have 5 1:1 coaching spots open for the month of September, I work closely with those who feel they have trouble speaking up to their parents or they want to gain more confidence in standing up for themselves.
Book a free 20-min consult with me, and we can figure out where you’re stuck, and how we can get you to have a stronger voice to say no others, and say more yeses to yourself!
I'm a Courage Coach. When I was on my friend Chris Thompkin’s podcast, or pre-launch podcast, he asked me, what is a Courage Coach?
I said, it’s because when people are ready to do things for themselves, like saying No to helping their moms financially, or saying “that’s enough” to their spouse for always shouting at them, or even picking up what they love in their lives, eg painting, it takes courage.
It takes courage to withstand other people criticizing them, walking out on them. And it takes courage to work through their own internal criticism.
So this is where I come in to work with them to build that up. And it is definitely something I still work on every day. Like writing this email, or creating my videos.
And as I shared with Chris, this is all part of the hero’s journey.
You mean the one on the big screen?
Yup, it’s like in the Sun Brothers, the younger brother gains the courage to accept his mission, and solves problems his own way.
In Wolverine and Deadpool, Wolverine went from being the coward to being the hero that he is.
In Everything Everywhere All At Once, Michelle Yeoh’s character, Evelyn, went from a house wife to fighting the evilest version of her daughter just so she could have a better connection with herself and her family.
How is that a hero’s journey trying to stand up to mom?
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https://viterbigradadmission.usc.edu/2017/07/heros-journey-joseph-campbell/
If you look at this diagram, the hero’s journey is at that point, “Crossing the Threshold”.
This is the crossroad, where we decide to let go of what we know, and travel into the unknown. Or choosing to stay where we are.
The unknown is after your mom says, “Ok, if you decide to be with your boyfriend, (or not support me financially), then I’ll pretend I never gave birth to you, you’re no longer my daughter.”
It is the part after your spouse says, “You need to stop wasting so much time building your business, and put your attention back onto your children and the family!”
For me, it’s the part where my Inner Critic says, “Who do you think you are?! No matter how hard you try, nothing will come out of it! So you may as well not waste time writing this email!”
It’s what you do right after this point.
And it feels hella uncomfortable, because if we stay, it sucks, but if we stay, at least we know that it sucks.
If we move on… we come upon all the “what if's". What if it is worse??!!
What if my mom really disowns me??
What if my spouse yells at me or divorces me??
What if my business fails??
And so, this is the part where most of us stop ourselves.
Because it IS scary! And our brain doesn’t like that.
And so I usually ask people to do this one thing.
Imagine yourself standing at this forked road.
And imagine 5 years into the future.
On one hand,
your mom disowned you.
Or your husband divorced you.
Or your business failed.
How would that feel?
Then look down the other side.
You are right where you are, with your current pain remaining the same, or have become even more unbearable. 5 years down the road.
Which one would you pick?
Knowing full well that there is no one else to blame, because no one is forcing you to stay. If you stay, that’s your choice.
And this is your every day hero’s journey.
Your probably know deep down what you want, but there are emotions that are stopping you, and that’s ok.
You just have to acknowledge that this is your desire to move forward.
And the scary stuff, that’s where I come in to walk with you, because I know how scary it can be, how lonely it can be. But you don’t have to do it alone.
Ready to do this for you?
Book a free 20-min consult with me.
Let’s bring all of what you want to the light, so we can get you to "Return Changed".
I don’t want my son to grow up feeling the need to do things just to hear me say, “I love you”.
Or have the need to take an action just to hear me tell him “I’m proud of you”.
Two days ago, while my husband, Anthony was taking a shower, Damien, our son, snuck onto the iPad. (He found out the password, and I decided not to change it.)
Of course, Anthony caught him, and he kept saying, “I’m sorry daddy”, and, “don’t tell mommy”.
Anthony told me after I came home, Damien was asleep at the time. I got a bit annoyed because right now, I’m trying to figure out how to deal with his constant need to go on screen. And at the same time, I felt a bit sad that he felt he needed to hide his mistakes.
And Anthony said that he wants Damien to know that we still love him, no matter what decisions he makes.
So it got me thinking about how I interact with Damien.
Last night, I read Dogman to Damien, and one of the main characters made a “mistake”, and at the end he was sad because he felt he wasn’t “perfect”.
And the other character replied with, “And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” Which was quoted from East of Eden by John Steinbeck.
So I said this to him:
I want you to know that, I’m proud of you, even when you make mistakes, even when you try new things and you fail, even when you are afraid to do something, even when you don’t know what to do. I still love you, and I’m proud of you. I love you for who you are.
And he said, ok.
I don’t know how much he understands it. And I know I just need to keep reminding him.
And I also want to say this to you:
I’m proud of you, and I love you.
Despite all your mistakes, despite all your fear, of all the times you struggled, fell down, and climbed back up, or still figuring things out, or even in the midst of pulling yourself up. You are you, and I’m proud of you.
“Now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
Sometimes, we have people in our lives who make us feel guilty.
Many times, we are afraid to move forward because we're too scared to feel this uncomfortable emotion. And this clouds our logical mind.
By allowing ourselves to work through the guilt, then our logical mind will be able to come online again, which is when we'll be able to ask ourselves: "Yes, I'm feeling guilty, and what do I want for me?"
To help you process your guilt, I've created this video for you.
