Claudia Chan

I'd come across a few people asking me how to deal with their parents getting mad or upset at them for choosing what they want.

So I'd recorded a video about that.

In it I shared two exercises.

One of them is a subconscious exercise that my good friend Billy Seol shared with me, which is to increase your "size" compare to your parents.

The second one is to list out all the things that you want to do for you.

Go ahead and have a watch, and let me know what comes up for you.

Recently, a lot of people are coming to me saying that they want to do something, but they feel they have to comply with their parents' demands.

For example, they want to leave home because their parents are demanding, but their parents are against them leaving home.

One of the things we can do is to identify the internal benefits under each of the situations.

For example, there may be financial benefit, safety benefit, self-value benefit.

It's only when we can identify what these benefits are, then we can see what we can do to move on.

While growing up, I never showed my anger, because whenever I responded angrily at something, I would get yelled at.

“Why are you angry about this? I should be the one who’s angry!”

So I had to stuff down my anger, believing that I have no right to be angry.

And I see this so often in my clients, they either believe that anger is not good, or they don’t have a right to be angry.

And sometimes, I‘d hear people say, “I don’t know why I’m so angry all the time, what can I do to make it go away?”

Or “I’d been working on my anger, but I still feel so much of it in me, I’m so tired of this.”

And this is what I always say:

Being angry is ok.

We’d been conditioned to believe that being angry is not ok. Something’s wrong us when we’re angry.

But when we don’t let our emotions come out, it boils over, and sometimes it affects the people around us, like we have a bad temper around our kids, and they don’t want to be close to us.

So what can we do about it?

Simply allow it to come out without shaming it.

It’s ok to feel angry.

Now of course, we don’t want to direct this anger at anyone. So please find a safe spot where you are alone.

And allow yourself to scream, yell, curse, or say whatever you need it out of your system.

If you want, you may also allow yourself to hit a pillow, hit the bed, or hit something that is not breakable.

And after the screaming, it may turn into tears, it may turn into sadness, or you may feel better.

Just let yourself feel all the emotions.

Once you’d given yourself plenty of time to let it out, then you can ask yourself, “what do I need to move forward”?

And then do that, or get that fulfilled.
You may find you’ll have more patience with others and with yourself once you have let your anger out.
Find it intriguing? Give it a try, and let me know how it feels afterwards, would love to hear about your experience.

“I don’t want to do it, but I feel so guilty if I don’t.”

This is the response I often hear from my clients, when their parents force their kids to take care of them, or do what they say.​

It sounds so heartless when I tell them, you’re not responsible for your parents.​

And yet, it is the most beautiful thing for a person, which is to be free from this “obligation”. And here’s why.

Because we’re raised in a “transactional” world, and never know the true meaning of free will.

Often times, there is an invisible price placed on us when other people do something for us, or give something to us. Like a parent taking care of a child.

Yet, the highest form of love, or the main reason for us to give, is because we want to, because we love that person. And this comes from our heart. In other words, there is no expectation of receiving anything back.

But because of generational trauma, man-made values and “obligations”, it ends up being a form of exchange, which creates a painful bind between parents and kids.

“I’d given you this much, because I love you, so now, it’s your turn to show me you love me, by taking care of me, being responsible of me. And if you don’t do that, shame on you! That means you don’t love me!”​
One of our “highest” virtues in the Chinese culture, Filial Piety.

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Sadly this is where manipulations start: crying, yelling, threatening to kill oneself, shaming, rejecting, etc.

How can you be so heartless for not taking care of me? For not paying for me? For not spending time with me?

​So we are held hostage physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially.

​When this freedom of choice is taken away, resentment and guilt enter the relationship.

​How is this our responsibility, when we never asked to be born in the first place?

​This unfairness turns love into bitterness.

​And when the child didn’t get their opportunity to choose, they carry this obligation onto the next generation.

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And the toxic cycle continues.

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So how do you break it?

It is through being “heartless”.​

When one generation can be “selfish” and tend to their own needs, wants, desires first and foremost, when they can be happy.

​Then they will come back to you and give you their love.

​Then they can carry that forward and allow their kids to be free, loving, happy.

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And it takes a lot of courage, because it will be met with a lot of criticism, judgement, rejection.

​So the question is, are you willing to do it for you? Even if your parents walk out on you? Even if your relatives belittle you? Even if your brain doubts you?

To go for what you want in life, so that you’re happier to give back when your cup is full.

Ready to do this for you? Book a free 20-min consult with me so you can bring your love and happiness back, and in turn, make changes in your family.

While I was in my 20s, I was in a “rebellious” phase, where every weekend, I was pretty much out doing something with my friends.

Mostly dancing.

And once I started dating people, my mom was mad because the people I was with weren’t guys she approved of​.

And she would always say things like, you’re never home, you treat home like a hotel, you don’t care about spending time with me, you’re selfish, you don’t care about me, who are these people you’re dating, you don’t respect me, etc.

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And if you know me and my story, I had to fight against my mom when it came to being with my now husband.

And I see so many of these scenarios on Reddit and in real life. “My mom is crying and yelling! And I don’t want to see her heartbroken because I love her.”

“I’m tired of her controlling me, what can I do?”
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So these were a few things I had to really learn:

1 I’m not responsible for her emotions: pain, disappointment, shame, etc.

2 If I don’t follow what she said, it doesn’t mean I don’t love her

3 I’m not a bad daughter for following my heart.

And 4, which is the hardest, I have to allow her to express her feelings through her body, which may include developing into panic attacks, or other illnesses… and it’s not my fault.

I know for some people, their moms might say things like, “I am going to kill myself!”, or “How can I live like this? I’d rather die!”

And it’s a lot to deal with, esp when it is life or death situation.

I’m not saying what they’re feeling is not real. I’m sure if I was in their shoes, I’d also experience the extreme pain, disappointment, and it’d probably feel like the end of the world. Because they’d probably lived their whole lives envisioning their kids turning out in a specific way. And then all of a sudden, their kids (me), threw a wrench in there.

A future of possibilities, expectations, dreams. And all of a sudden, 🔧 shattered.
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I understand that.

But understanding that, doesn’t mean I have to follow through with that.

They have lived their lives. They made their decisions for themselves.

And I have my life to live. Just as my son has his life to live.

So I had to learn to separate my pain from her pain. Her pain is hers to deal with, my pain is mine to deal with. I had to learn to bear through my own pain and fear, and let her work through hers in her own way.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

​Most times, with a parent a child, our lives are so entangled that we sometimes feel as if we are one.

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So the first step is to realize that there are two, and we have to learn to separate them.

I saw this video and I wanted to cry, both for the mom and the son.

Have a watch.
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I’d love to hear what comes up for you, hit reply and let me know.

And send me a message or book a free 20-min consult with me if you want to work through separating your life from your parents’. Because you deserve to live for you.

Recently, I see so many of these stories:

My parents are against me dating my other half.

My parents keep saying that I’m selfish for not taking care of my siblings.

My parents are forcing me to give up on going on this trip.

My parents are dictating that I can only marry someone from within the culture.

My parents are yelling at me non stop for wanting to move away.

My parents are ignoring me, and they’d stopped talking to me because I am wearing something they don’t like.

My parents said they’re not going to show up to my wedding if I don’t invite the people they want to invite.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

F-you parents.

I want to scream! What the heck is wrong with you???

And yet, I understand how much pain everyone is carrying.

All those times the parents never got a chance to choose what they wanted.

All those times they got hurt, either physically, emotionally, psychologically when they exercised their rights.

All those times they were shamed and pushed away for forging their own paths.

All those times they were forced to sacrifice and give up their dreams for someone else.

All those times when their dreams got crushed by someone else.

All those times when they were forced to follow in the footsteps of society.

All those times when they were angry and resentful at others, and themselves, because they decided to give up on themselves and followed someone else’s suggestions.

All those times when their own freedom were taken away by someone else.
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It is a lot of pain.

I am now working with this one coach to help me let go of the negative emotions from my past experiences.

And one of the events I worked on was when I was born, my grandma (dad’s mom) gave my boy cousin, who was born 3 months before me, a gold chain, while she said that my penis fell off, and gave me a $10 red pocket.

I had a lot of questions for her, I allowed myself to share what was on my mind.

And afterwards, I was asked to listen to what she has to say. One of the things I heard was that she didn’t know better. She said that she was not educated, and she couldn’t “see” the truth about what society has done to her. She said she was sorry for all the pain it has caused her daughters and granddaughters. And she said that she’s so proud of me, for standing up for our family and our lineage.

I know full well we cannot change others. All this time, other people want to change us, and we don’t want that, we don’t like that.

And if we don’t want them to change us, then we cannot change them. So we have to take our own lives into our own hands.

Now, it is the time.

Because it’s so frustrating to feel stuck.

Because it is taking so much of our emotional and mental capacity.

Because it’s so tiring and it feels so lonely to be fighting this fight on our own.

And I am here to help those who want to stand for themselves, and walk through this chaos.

So you can live a life where you can say what you want, do what you want, even when other people hate you, criticize you, take you down, walk away from you.

So hop on a free 20-min consult with me now, because there is only one you, and you are here to live as you, not as someone else’s version of you.

When our children are young, I totally understand that it’s important to instil a sense of responsibility into them. Teach them what it means to help out, so they can take care of themselves.

I have a 7 yo son, I do want him to be more independent, so that he is capable of looking after himself when he grows up.
Now what I’d like to talk about is this:

The idea that parents giving birth to their child (or children), and then expecting them to take care of them and the other siblings.

I totally believe that when parents give birth to their kids, they shouldn’t expect their kids to be responsible for them and their siblings.

😮😮😮😮 “Claudia, how can you be so selfish!!”

I know, even writing this out, a part of me feels guilty because it sounds selfish.

Here is the thing: I love my parents, I appreciate that they had given up so much for me, to raise me, so that I can grow into who I am today.

And if anything happens to them, of course I will do all that I can to be there for them.

And I acknowledge that I am extremely privileged, my parents had the ability to save enough money, and had the capacity to raise me in a way that I never had to go to work while studying, and I didn’t have to borrow money to finish school.

And they are in a healthy financial situation where I don’t actually have to worry about them.

And I know that there are many people who don’t have that luxury.

And, this is also a true story, where my grandma (dad’s mom) expected my dad, the eldest of five) to leave school to work, so that he had to earn money to take care of his siblings. (And it was his godmother who encouraged him to take night school, so that he had the qualification). Then my grandma indicated that my uncle (the second son), that he had to financially care for her and my grandfather once he completed school and found a job.

So often, I see that parents give birth to kids, because they put an expectation on their elder kids to take on the “parent’s job”. In this case, either being a financial help, or take care of other siblings in the household. (I even saw it on Super Nanny!! 🤯🤯🤯🤯)

This puts so much strain on the kids, on the siblings.

So that’s why I caution moms I work with, to become aware of the type of expectations they placed on themselves, and on their kids.

Just because you gave birth to them, just because you’re their mother, your kids are not obligated to take care of you, or your other kids.

You gave birth to them, they didn’t ask to be born.

Parenting is your job, giving birth to your kids is your choice; so they are your responsibility, not theirs.

If your kids end up taking care of you, and taking care of their siblings, it could be either they have this invisible weight of “they have to”, which breeds resentment, or they really want to because they love you.

So please don’t take it for granted.
And to end this post,

I saw this video of Mel Robbins interviewing her 18 yo son. I want to share this part, where his headmaster was speaking to the parents in his school. It was really good, so I have to share it,

It’s about parent’s roles in their kids’ lives.

Starts at 20:18

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Do you agree? Disagree? send me a reply!