So I was scrolling through social media, and one of the teachers I followed shared a post.
It was about one of the mothers he was working with, and the mom shared the following:
When I had my younger daughter, my older son seemed to have regressed. He would poke or hit the sister, whine, act up, hide the sister’s toys, make her cry, etc. Those things I wasn’t too worried about. But what I am worried about, is that one night, he said to me, “After you put her to sleep, can you hug me?”
Her heart went into knots, she felt a bit sad, but didn’t understand why he said that.
So the teacher went on to explain how when the older child regress, or if they’re acting up, it’s because they feel neglected, and they’re trying to do things that would get the parents attention.
If you know how to read Chinese, this is the article. He suggested a few things parents can do. (just a quick summary if you aren't able to read Chinese, and if you do read Chinese, I might have gotten some of the meanings wrong, because my Chinese sucks, so I translated it how I understood it. So if you see any mistakes, please let me know.)
1 When the elder one act up, make sure to spend alone time with them.
2 When they're causing trouble, start off to let them know you love them first, and then help them decipher between good and bad.
3 Ensure you give them some alone time every day.
4 Ensure you give them hugs, so that they know hugs are not just for the younger siblings.
5 Everyday, give 3 positive feedbacks to the eldest one.
6 When they fight, make sure to take care of the emotions first, and then go into reasons
7 When the siblings fight, make sure you hear both sides.
8 Give some chores to the eldest, so they feel they can help take care of the family, and praise them (I personally feel that this is not the best advice, because the parents may become too dependent on the eldest, which may cause a lot of resentment.)
9 Guide the eldest so they can become a team with their siblings.
10 When the eldest regress, don't get mad at them or make fun of them, just let them know that "we like the original you", and then guide them back to their original self.
But today's post, is not about this.
Because what I’d like to talk about is this one tool: the Law of Mirroring.
And it is an amazing tool to see a clearer picture when it comes to relationships.
You can use this mirror to get to know yourself better, or get to know your spouse, children or other people better.
It’s called the Law of Mirroring, because you the idea is, what you see in other people is a mirror for you, this is where you can learn more about how the other person is feeling, based on what you’re feeling. (Or get to know what is really bothering you when someone does something that makes you feel an emotion).
So for example, just from reading about that mother’s experience, when her older son was hiding the sister’s toy, or trying to make her cry, what do you think the mom feels?
If I’m that mom, I’d be super frustrated and upset because, WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME!
This is where the mirror comes in, because the son doesn’t have the ability to speak and tell his mom he’s frustrated. So he does things to make the mom feel how he feels.
(Also he’s trying to do something that would also get his mom’s attention, because getting yelled at (a negative attention), is better than not getting any attention)
He’s frustrated that he’s losing his mom’s love. He’s upset that he’s no longer the favourite. He feels like he’s no longer important and that he’s not being seen and heard. He's pretty much saying, "What are you not listening to me, paying attention to me!!"
So he did those things to make his mom feel how he feels.
So knowing this, I’d like to invite you to think back to an incident where you got upset with your kid(s), or someone else.
Try to think back to that situation, and see if you could identify your emotion.
Once you know what that feeling is, try to put yourself into your kid’s (or the other person's) shoes, and ask yourself, how is it that he/she feels this way?
Humm... Can you see that?
And now that you get more of an understanding out of this... , what would you like to do about it?
If you’re having difficulty identifying the emotion, or seeing how it applies to your kids (or the other person), reply to this email and send me your story. Maybe I can help.
I went to watch Deadpool and Wolverine yesterday with Anthony, my husband, yesterday.
If you don’t want to get any spoilers, I will do a quick summary of what I’m going to talk about here:
Sometimes, we may get upset or bogged down by our past experiences. We may think, if only my parents treated me this way. Or if only I was allowed to do this, life would be better.
But what’s most important is, those are the experiences that make up who we are, and get better to choose what to do next.
Because those past experiences are the very thing that make us see, this is why we need to do something different in our lives. So that we can rise above.
I would like to invite you to see that maybe those painful experiences happened because that is your obstacle for you to outcome yourself.
Maybe you’re ready to see more of this for you, or maybe you’re ready to change, and when you are, hop on a free 20-min consult with me, and we can move you along to where you want to go.
On this note, I’m going to share about the Deadpool & Wolverine movie, so if you would like to skip the spoilers, then I’d recommend you stop reading from here.
Oh btw, I don’t know about you, but I thought it was really funny when I first learned that Anthony hates spoilers.
I actually had no concept of what a spoiler is, because while growing up, my mom would always tell me what happened in the TV drama we watched together (cause sometimes I had to miss it), and I didn’t care too much for it.
So Anthony got so upset when I shared a spoiler with him, and he was like NOOOOOO! And I was like, what??
🤣🤣🤣
*************
I’m not going to share too much about the story of Deadpool & Wolverine with you.
But there was this one point where it really spoke to my heart.
The premise is, once again, there are many universes.
And Deadpool went to the various universes to bring back one Wolverine to help him save Deadpool’s universe from being destroyed.
But the Wolverine that Deadpool found was the “worst” version of all wolverines.
In Wolverine’s universe, Wolverine was unwilling to stand up and fight, he’d rather choose to go out and drink. One night while he went off drinking, the humans hunted down all the mutants and killed them. So he was filled with guilt and pain.
Deadpool made a promise, if Wolverine helps him, then after they saved Deadpool’s world, they can go back to Wolverine past to change the outcome.
Throughout the movie Wolverine had no interest or intention to help Deadpool, because he believed that “he’s the wrong guy.”
But he kept showing up and kept deciding to fight, over and over again.
Then at the end, after Deadpool and Wolverine killed the villain, Deadpool talked to the head chief of the Timeline (the organization that watches over the Timeline).
Deadpool asked if they could do something about Wolverine’s timeline.
And she said that (and I’m paraphrasing), it is because of his past that led him to where he is now. So nothing needs to be changed.
That!
Ohhhhhh!!
That is the one lesson I’d been learning.
And that is what I’m trying to get people to see.
So many times, I’d hold myself back from showing up.
I am too scared! If only my parents had supported me to “cultivate” my courage.
Or
When I see other people way ahead of me, I sometimes blame my parents.
If only they’d allowed me to do this, then I wouldn’t have wasted all this time and I could be further along!
If only I was able to do this, then…
If only other people had done that, then…
If only things are different in the past, then…
And I’d been learning to get out of this headspace of, if things were only different, then our lives would be better. (And I’m still doing it everyday! Because it is so easy to go back into)
But Wolverine needed to have all his mutant friends killed for Deadpool to find him, so he can go on this journey.
Sure, yes that is a movie.
And this is also life.
We needed to have those experiences in our past, in order to realize that we want something better.
Like I had to have my mom kept hitting me during my Gr 4 & 5 year, so that I learn what it means to show up while “scared of doing things ‘wrong’”.
Being scared and doing it anyway.
I needed to have my mom not support me being with my husband, so that I can stand for my own dreams and values.
And even more. Standing up for me, learning this for me, so I can help others stand for themselves.
All of those experiences made up who I am,
And I get to choose a different outcome every single minute, every single hour, every single day.
I mean if we could rewind time, I might have chosen to leave Anthony then, but I know for a fact that my journey is to stand for me. Not following my mom’s voice overpower me.
What it means is, I know I will come across another situation where I will head butt against my mom again. If not this issue, it’ll be another issue, because it’s always been this lesson all along.
To learn to stand and speak for me.
For some of us, it may be to love ourselves. So we may continue to encounter people who don’t love us, or who may continue to take advantage of us.
For others, it may be to take care of our bodies. So we may encounter situations where we found ourselves give and give until our bodies breaks down.
Have you ever been in a situation where you’re like, how is it I’m back “here” again?
May it be feeling like no one loves you, or gaining weight again, or mad at others for not respecting you.
Have you ever felt like, I’m sick and tired of dealing with this sh*t again!
Yeah..
Me.
I want you to know that there is a deeper message in your life, and it wants you to see and overcome.
Maybe you already know what the message is already, and you don’t know how to get over it.
Maybe you still don’t know and want to find out.
I am here for you.
Book a free 20-min consult call with me, and we can figure out what it is your life purpose is, and what you want to work on.
Because you are meant to overcome your past to live as who you’re meant to be.
There were a few people who’d been telling me that they have no motivation to do anything.
They just scroll online mindlessly, being on the internet, watching movies.
They want to do more, and yet a part of them think it’s a waste of time, or in the back of their minds, they’re wondering what’s wrong with them for wasting their lives away.
Sometimes, some of us may be unmotivated simply because we had been hustling for so long.
For me, when I was in my 20s or 30s, I was doing things that didn’t spark joy.
I volunteered at an organization, and even though I enjoyed it mostly, whenever they asked me to contribute more, I got annoyed. It felt like it has to be on my term.
Then when I decided to get my masters degree, it felt as if it was just to add three more letters behind my name, because there was nothing else worth doing.
Deep down, it really wasn’t what I wanted it.
It was just about doing things that could bring in more money, or climb up the ladder… something to “feel proud” about.
But I wasn’t proud.
Deep down it wasn’t for me.
And I got to a point where I didn’t want to do anymore sh*t.
I didn’t want anything in my life, I was not motivated.
Even when other people asked me what I wanted, all I could think of is.. I friggin’ don’t want to do anything else! (Even though parts of me were intrigued with different things)
All I wanted to do was lie down and sleep, or doing nothing or scroll on the internet for the whole day.
Here’s what I learned. There is nothing is wrong with wanting that.
But my Inner Critic would come at me.
When I wanted to rest, it would say “NO! You aren’t allowed to rest!”
I’d then force myself to do something, but because I didn’t want to, I ended up procrastinating, so my Inner Critic Drill Sergeant would continue, “What’s wrong with you? You have all the time in the world, and you wasted all of it, and you’re still not done! You’re friggin’ useless!”
And this made me even more unmotivated to do anything!
It was an exhausting cycle
One of the things I found worked for me was to really allow myself to rest and have fun.
When I was told that I could deliberately choose to have fun (I could give myself the permission to rest and have fun), it shifted something in me.
And when my Inner Critic yells at me, I would speak back at it, “Shut up! I get to do whatever the F I want!”
It was actually really tough because my Inner Critic wouldn’t shut up.
But slowly and surely, when I decide this is a time for me, and stop myself from feeling bad, my motivation started coming back slowly.
And for things that are really optional, I’d ask myself, “Do I really have to do it?”
So really allow yourself to take some rest and fun.
Because if you can’t enjoy your life now, then what’s the point of working hard and living?
Today I want to talk about this concept of power, because I saw this video from Sven, where he talks about the 3 types of power.
And what I want to talk about is, why it’s so hard to claim this power for ourselves.
Recently, I heard a few people, including one of my clients, say, “I am just fed up that my parents would just call me, and all they want is for me to send them money or do things for them. And they never even ask how I am doing.
And even on Reddit, where people would talk about how their parents are making them invite people they don’t want to their weddings, or else they’re not going to show up.
So it’s either, forcing them to do something they don’t want, or not allowing them to do the things that they want.
In Sven’s video, he talks about how we have to realize that we have the power.
And we can claim this power for ourselves.
And yet it’s a very difficult thing for many people to do.
Because it’s like in the Spiderman movie, “With great power, comes great responsibility”.
As cheesy as it sounds, it is so real.
Responsibility over ourselves.
And I will share 2 responsibilities with you.
1) taking full responsibilities for our actions.
There is no longer someone we can rely on to tell us what to do, which means, if things go wrong, we don’t have anyone else to blame except for ourselves.
When I was dating my now husband, one of the things that kept looping in my mind is this: “What if I made the wrong decision?” (Translates to: what if mom was right?)
What if I was dumb enough to marry this guy, he hurt me, I would have to suffer.
If I’d gone ahead with the decision, I could no longer say, “But you told me to do it!”
That responsibility is mine to take on.
2) taking on the responsibility for our awareness and our own healing.
While living in a co-dependent world, most of us were raised in a “transactional” relationship.
If I do this for you, you owe me.
So you have to repay me in some way.
If I give this to you, there is an unspoken debt, that I expect you to give something back to me
In my household, whenever we get something from other people, my mom would always make it a point to “give back” something that is equivalent to that amount.
Someone treats us to dinner, she may give back money through red pockets.
If they got us gifts, she may treat them to dinner.
And especially in the Chinese culture, because of this value called filial piety, it’s ingrained in our psyche.
Where the parents sacrificed themselves for their kids and family, so when the kids grow up, they are responsible for taking care of the parents.
Of course in the ideal world, it is filled with love and free will, and because everyone feels loved, they would choose to do the loving thing. And it is still a choice.
But when the parents have gone to the extreme, taking full advantage of the kids, disrespecting them, and not acknowledging their hurtful actions, then the Child needs to take on this power to become aware:
“Hey! That’s enough! What you’d been doing is wrong, and I’m tired of your BS!”
And this power comes with a lot backlash.
Guilt - when the parents turn the victim mentality around, saying that it’s the kid who’s now being disrespectful, and harping on how much they’d sacrificed for the kid.
Isolation - when the parents get other people to gang up on them, turning their backs on them.
Shame - when the parents talk about how disappointed they are because their kids are bad, and getting other people to talk about them negatively.
And our power is to take on the responsibility to heal (after awareness).
Because no one can change us, and we cannot change others. We can only change ourselves.
We have to be responsible for taking care of our emotions and do our own healing, so that we can stand stronger for us.
And that is what claiming your power looks like.
Realizing that we have the power, and being ready to take on the responsibility for the power.
It is not easy, yet on the other side, it is so freeing
What if you can finally say:
I am doing this because this is the best for me, and I allow other people to be mad at me and I’m ok with that!
I can now say no to requests when it’s not in alignment with me, and I don’t feel the need to explain why I’m saying no.
And being able to say: yes, my kids are doing something that goes against me, AND I’m proud that they’re growing up to be their own person, I no longer feel the need to control them and their actions.
What about you?
Imagine this power is right in front of you, what would you like to say about your life once you claim that power?
And for sure, the middle ugly stuff will come up, and know that I am right here when you’re ready to go on this journey.
When you’re ready, you can always book a free 20-min consultation with me.
Let’s get you on this journey where you are truly powerful over your own life.
On Sunday, I signed my son up for this brain research, they were trying to compare the differences between how adult and children memorize things and solve problems.
I thought it would be fun for Damien to try because he would get to play some games, get a print out of his brain, and get some monetary compensation.
Everything went well, until midway through, he said he got a headache, so we had to stop.
The researcher still compensated us for the time.
Why I’m writing is.. is because I want to share with you all the awful things my brain was saying.
“This is so easy, why can’t you finish this?”
“Oh no.. look how disappointed he is… we can’t help this researcher finish, he will have to recruit for another participant..”
“Oh c’mon, just bare with it!”
“This is so embarrassing!”
Of course I never said any of these to my son. I thanked him for giving this new thing a try, and I applauded him for speaking up for not feeling right.
But a part of me can’t help thinking.. my son didn’t complete this, so he failed.
So same things that are directed at me.
I planned to do this, I can’t get to it, I failed.
I wanted to complete that, but I’m so tired. Well grind through anyways! Because there’s no other way.
I’m going too slow. What’s wrong with you?
Others people can do this, why can’t you do that too?
And this really reminds me of the Celine Dion movie, where at the end, she was trying to push herself, and I could feel that disappointment with herself for being unable to sing as she’d wanted…
And then her whole body went into a full spasm (showing an episode of her having the stiff body syndrome).
I know I had been disregarding all the things that I have worked on, or have done and completed.
And I know I’d been pushing myself, and I don’t tap into my own body to figure out what really works for me.
So to deal with my own disappointment:
I have to really acknowledge the fact that I am disappointed.
And
Remind myself that I am proud.
I am disappointed with my son unable to complete the scan.
And I am proud of him trying new things.
And speaking up for not feeling well. It’s ok to not complete something.
I am disappointed of my slow progress.
And I am proud of all the things I have completed.
I am disappointed of all the things I want to do and still haven’t done.
And I am proud of all the times I allot to rest and have fun.
And last night, I slept for a good 10 hours, because I needed that.
And in the middle of the night, I noticed my brain saying things to me.
“I am disappointed that I didn’t get to finish composing this email, and I am proud that I forced myself to sleep and rest. And I am proud of all the days I did the work and showed up.”
So if you’d like to take care of your disappointment,
It’s ok to be disappointed.
And then double down on what you’re proud of.
Give that a try and let me know how that works for you!
So today, I was watching the storyline of the Mortal Kombat 1 Video game (which is the storyline after the Mortal Kombat 11 Game).
The main idea is, there are multiple timelines running simultaneously, and each character could turn out very differently.
It also reminded me of the movie, Everything Everywhere All At Once, where Michelle Yeoh’s character could see all the potential paths she could take in different universes.
Which leads me to this question.. what if my life can be different?
In one timeline, you stay where you are.
In another timeline, you make a small change in your life.
And that change can propel you down a different path.
If that’s the case, then what decision do you want to make for yourself?
Recently I came across this video by Sven, and I really wanted to respond to it:
This is always one of the hardest steps my clients have to walk through, when it is necessary for them to cut off their parents.
Now, before we move on, I’d like to share this with you.
After my mom gave birth to me, she decided to become a stay at home mom.
So she raised me and brother at home until we came to Canada (which was when I turned 11).
She took care of everything a mom could do.
And even after she became a working mom, she took care of us in every way possible.
She made sure we had food to eat, a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, took care of our school (university).
My mom did everything she could, she saved money, she’d rather spend it on us than on herself, never went on trips, was frugal.
So when I had my son, which was during the time I was starting my first business, I got caught in a forked road.
Give up my dreams, spend more time on my son, because I’m a mom now.
Or
Spend time on my dreams, because I want to be ME.
Anger brewed on days when I had planned to work on my business. And when he cried, delayed his sleep time, or not listen to me, I got upset and annoyed at him.
I looked at other moms, who were able to work on their businesses, how come they got to work on their dreams? While I’m here, having to give up mine?
Then right away, a heaviness of guilt took over, how could you be such a bad mom? Being so selfish, only thinking about yourself, taking your time and attention away from your son?
You see, while growing up, I was called selfish so many times. When I focused on myself while living at home, I’d be asked, “How could you be so self-centred?”
After working on myself… I saw that I was allowed to work on myself, focus on myself… because I have a dream, and it matters.
I can choose me, because I matter.
When I look at my son now, I love being his mom.
Yet I know one thing: I don’t OWN him.
He’s not mine. He’s his own person.
And I CHOOSE to take care of him, because I LOVE him.
And choosing to love is based on my own free will.
If I decide to not work on my business and choose to spend time with him, then it is MY CHOICE. Not because I “need to be a good mom” and is “expected to take care of him”.
I choose to spend money on him rather than on myself, because I want to see him grow and live up to his full potential.
When he grows up, I know full well that he may have to move away from me, and not be by my side.
Now, if anything happens to me, I can make a request for him to come back. If he is unable to come back to be by my side, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.
Maybe he just can’t.
Or maybe he doesn’t want to.
And it’s okay.
Of course I’ll be disappointed or hurt. But I am responsible for my own feelings. I cannot rely on him to take care of my emotions.
AND if he chooses to come back to take care of me, that’s the cherry on top.
He can choose to either say yes or no, because he has free will.
I can’t force him to do what he doesn’t want to, or cannot do.
Which means, I can’t say something like, “Oh you don’t love me, because you’re not doing this for me.” This will be manipulation, guilt tripping him into doing something.
My son has a choice.
And so do I.
Which means, if my parents ever request for something, and if I say I cannot, but they forcefully make me do it against my will (through guilt trip), or actively hurt me to make me do it (like yell at me, or verbally abuse me), then it’s a form of disrespect.
And if it’s not okay for one person to disrespect another person, then why is it okay for a parent to disrespect a child?
So in these cases, if the child feels disrespected, and if the parents continues to show no signs of change in behaviour, THEN, this is where I come in to help my clients take a stand to walk out.
Everyone needs to learn to take responsibility for their own lives, and no one can judge someone else for making such a decisions.
Because what you see, is not your battle.
So to answer this controversial question, I also believe that, if it's called for, then there is NOTHING WRONG with cutting off the parents.
I will always stand with my client. Because they are born into this world to live their own lives. They can choose to stay, or they can choose to leave.
We must all learn to exercise our free will to choose what is best for us. We must start taking responsibilities for our own decisions (choose our dreams), and stop relying on others to clean up our messes, and blaming others for the decisions that we make.
When we can learn to love ourselves, and can validate ourselves (without needing others to do it for us), it’s a beautiful thing. Because when others choose to come back to us and love us, then that will be the cherry on top.
If you feel that you're at a cross road and would like to stand up for yourself, but don't know how to do it, or too scared to do it, then book a free 20-min consult with me. This is where I'll be getting to know your situation more, and you can ask me anything. We can come up with a plan for you, and see if we're a good fit to work together.
Know that I understand that this is a difficult journey, and I am right here with you.‹
