Recently I came across this video by Sven, and I really wanted to respond to it:
This is always one of the hardest steps my clients have to walk through, when it is necessary for them to cut off their parents.
Now, before we move on, I’d like to share this with you.
After my mom gave birth to me, she decided to become a stay at home mom.
So she raised me and brother at home until we came to Canada (which was when I turned 11).
She took care of everything a mom could do.
And even after she became a working mom, she took care of us in every way possible.
She made sure we had food to eat, a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, took care of our school (university).
My mom did everything she could, she saved money, she’d rather spend it on us than on herself, never went on trips, was frugal.
So when I had my son, which was during the time I was starting my first business, I got caught in a forked road.
Give up my dreams, spend more time on my son, because I’m a mom now.
Or
Spend time on my dreams, because I want to be ME.
Anger brewed on days when I had planned to work on my business. And when he cried, delayed his sleep time, or not listen to me, I got upset and annoyed at him.
I looked at other moms, who were able to work on their businesses, how come they got to work on their dreams? While I’m here, having to give up mine?
Then right away, a heaviness of guilt took over, how could you be such a bad mom? Being so selfish, only thinking about yourself, taking your time and attention away from your son?
You see, while growing up, I was called selfish so many times. When I focused on myself while living at home, I’d be asked, “How could you be so self-centred?”
After working on myself… I saw that I was allowed to work on myself, focus on myself… because I have a dream, and it matters.
I can choose me, because I matter.
When I look at my son now, I love being his mom.
Yet I know one thing: I don’t OWN him.
He’s not mine. He’s his own person.
And I CHOOSE to take care of him, because I LOVE him.
And choosing to love is based on my own free will.
If I decide to not work on my business and choose to spend time with him, then it is MY CHOICE. Not because I “need to be a good mom” and is “expected to take care of him”.
I choose to spend money on him rather than on myself, because I want to see him grow and live up to his full potential.
When he grows up, I know full well that he may have to move away from me, and not be by my side.
Now, if anything happens to me, I can make a request for him to come back. If he is unable to come back to be by my side, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.
Maybe he just can’t.
Or maybe he doesn’t want to.
And it’s okay.
Of course I’ll be disappointed or hurt. But I am responsible for my own feelings. I cannot rely on him to take care of my emotions.
AND if he chooses to come back to take care of me, that’s the cherry on top.
He can choose to either say yes or no, because he has free will.
I can’t force him to do what he doesn’t want to, or cannot do.
Which means, I can’t say something like, “Oh you don’t love me, because you’re not doing this for me.” This will be manipulation, guilt tripping him into doing something.
My son has a choice.
And so do I.
Which means, if my parents ever request for something, and if I say I cannot, but they forcefully make me do it against my will (through guilt trip), or actively hurt me to make me do it (like yell at me, or verbally abuse me), then it’s a form of disrespect.
And if it’s not okay for one person to disrespect another person, then why is it okay for a parent to disrespect a child?
So in these cases, if the child feels disrespected, and if the parents continues to show no signs of change in behaviour, THEN, this is where I come in to help my clients take a stand to walk out.
Everyone needs to learn to take responsibility for their own lives, and no one can judge someone else for making such a decisions.
Because what you see, is not your battle.
So to answer this controversial question, I also believe that, if it's called for, then there is NOTHING WRONG with cutting off the parents.
I will always stand with my client. Because they are born into this world to live their own lives. They can choose to stay, or they can choose to leave.
We must all learn to exercise our free will to choose what is best for us. We must start taking responsibilities for our own decisions (choose our dreams), and stop relying on others to clean up our messes, and blaming others for the decisions that we make.
When we can learn to love ourselves, and can validate ourselves (without needing others to do it for us), it’s a beautiful thing. Because when others choose to come back to us and love us, then that will be the cherry on top.
If you feel that you're at a cross road and would like to stand up for yourself, but don't know how to do it, or too scared to do it, then book a free 20-min consult with me. This is where I'll be getting to know your situation more, and you can ask me anything. We can come up with a plan for you, and see if we're a good fit to work together.
Know that I understand that this is a difficult journey, and I am right here with you.‹
This is a special gift for you. I had written these words for myself, and I decided to put all these special messages together as a video for me. And I thought, I can share it with you too. Hope you enjoy it.
There was a Reddit post where the Original Poster was wondering how she could become more independent. She said that both her mom and boyfriend were pressuring her into doing something that she didn’t want. So she wanted suggestions on how to juggle between her mom’s wants, her boyfriend’s wants and what she wants.
First of all, I want to say that if this resonates with you, you’re not alone.
We live in a co-dependent world. Where growing up, we might have gotten yelled at, criticized, abandoned, guilt tripped, and even praised in order to “please” our parents.
To the point where we only feel worthy and loved when we make them feel happy, make them feel proud.
We were never asked what we want. Our existence was to fulfill other people’s needs. So it’s very normal to
1. not know exactly what we want for ourselves. And
2. become really anxious and concerned when we need to stand up for ourselves, because what if they get mad at me? What if they don’t love me anymore?
So in order to become independent, there comes a point where we have to learn to stand for ourselves. That means even when other people get mad at us, or walk out on us.
When we can stand on our own two feet to say… I am willing to stand here even if you leave me and no longer love me. That is where we start gaining independence.
So what does it really take?
First of all, we have to figure out what exactly do we want for ourselves.
Because how do we know where we stand if we don’t know what we want?
It could be something big, like a dream we have. Like I want to quit my job and become a rock star. Or just a stance, like, I really want to be with my boyfriend (whom my parents don’t approve of).
Then we have to deal with the emotions, both our own emotions, and withstand other people’s outbursts: anger, guilt, pain, frustration, etc.
We also have to process our grief, from losing their love and support.
All of these, is to go after one thing, which is to build our self-trust and reliance.
Meaning: even when other people leave me, even when I am alone, I know that I am strong enough to stand for me, and I know that I can get through this hardship.
This is not overnight, it takes time, it takes courage, it takes support.
That’s why this Friday, my friend Phoebe and I are having our community hour Radiant Blossom, and we’re going to go through Becoming Part 1: “What Do I Want?”
Mark your calendar now, it on July 19th 9pm EST (July 20th 9am Beijing Time).
Sign up with this link, because sometimes you need to get your butt in that chair and work through this together with someone!
Last night, my husband and I were playing Mortal Kombat 11, and at the end of the story line, we got to choose between playing as the good guy or the bad guy. Of course, without thinking about it, my husband chose the good guy.
But when I saw it, I was like, “WAIT!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE GET TO CHOOSE???” (Choosing to be the bad guy means that the bad guy wins).
So of course, our son and I made him replay the ending as the bad guy, (too bad, it was a bit underwhelming).
Yet here’s the thing, when I was growing up, I loved those choose your own adventure books. I would always go back to previous points to see what could have happened if I picked a different outcome.
And interesting enough, while growing up, a part of me ALWAYS wondered and questioned why things had to be a certain way. Why can’t things be different?
Now why am I talking about this?
Because, sometimes, we may come across situations where we may feel like, “That is no other choices”.
But what if, there is?
When I started my business, my son was very young. I had to take care of my son, and I also had to work full time. Many times, I would feel bogged down by this nasty feeling called resentment.
I would look at other moms, and I would compare myself to them.
“Of course they could work on their business! Cause they’re stay at home moms!”
“Of course their business is flourishing because they had help from their moms or in-laws.”
“I have no time! I still have to work full time.”
“I still have to take care of my son.”
“I still have to take care of household chores.” (even though my husband takes care of a lot of things).
I felt defeated… I felt as if I had to put my dreams on hold.
If only I have more time to do the things I want!!!
While at the same time:
In my head, I could hear my mom’s voice, “You’re a mom now, so you have to give your son more of your undivided attention.”
I could also see how much my husband was doing at home, and my brain would say, “Claudia, you’re not pulling your weight as a wife!”
Resentment - Guilt - Disappointment.
I call it the unholy trinity, because they somehow go hand in hand, pulling me down a spiral.
Here’s an example of how it would pull me down:
On days my son would sleep a little bit later, even though it was only 15 or 30 min longer than usual, the unholy trinity would activate its energy…
“I don’t have time to do anything for me anymore!”
I would get upset at him, and by the time he was asleep, rather than starting to do my work, I would start scrolling through social media. Then I would see other people’s work, and I would feel even worse about myself.
A super awful combination.
I remembered one day, when I heard Brooke Castillo’s story, (the coach whom I completed my Life Coach Certification with), it stopped me in my tracks!
She talked about bringing her kids to the park one day, while watching them play, this idea came to her:
“I could actually stand up and walk away right now if I want to.”
When I heard that, I was like… “WAIT! What do you mean you can just stand up and walk away if you want to?”
Oh sh*t… she can.
There are so many women (and men) who just decided to get up and leave their kids.
Now, whether it is the “right” thing to do or not, that’s not the point.
The point is, she has a choice.
Just like picking a different option in the adventure book.
Just like picking to play as the bad guy in Mortal Kombat 11.
Now, maybe you’re in a situation where you feel like you’re stuck.
Maybe you have to take care of your kids.
Maybe you have to take care of your aging parents.
And this “obligation” has somehow turned into resentment-disappointment-guilt.
And this unholy trinity has somehow been pulling you downward.
“Claudia, why do I have to do this? But I don’t have a choice....”
I get it.
It’s such an awful feeling, that it just seems like there are no other options.
Here’s something I’d like to present you.
Take a deep breath in, and out.
And for a moment, just imagine yourself making the other choice in your head.
What if you’re allowed to choose the other option, let it go.
I know, guilt will come in, “But I can’t! I’ll be selfish!”
Yes, but this is imagination right now, you’re not really doing this for real.
Just for a moment, if you can allow yourself to let go of that inner voice, the one that labels you as a bad mom, or a bad daughter.
And imagine yourself choosing the other option…
What could happen in that world?
How will you feel if you can choose that option?
What are possibilities that can happen to make this option feasible?
Here’re some possible options:
Maybe you’d like to work through the guilt, so you can really allow yourself to choose something different to pursue your dreams.
Maybe you’d like to explore options of how to get help to lighten your load, so you can pursue your dreams.
Maybe you actually like what you have now. You just want to work through the unholy trinity, so that “resentment-disappointment-guilty” doesn’t have any hold on you. Which means, whatever little time you do have, rather than spiralling downward, you can use that time to pursue your dreams.
What do you want for you?
At the end of the day, you get to choose.
You can choose Option Parent/Kid
You can choose Option You.
You can choose Option Both.
Because you’re the one who makes your own choices in your own adventure.
I hope that this perspective can help you look at your life slightly different. I highly encourage you to imagine it for a moment, because you deserve to choose what's best for you.
If something comes up for you, I'd really like to hear about your experience. What came up for you? Share your response with me.
First of all, here’s one new habit I’d been implementing.
No cell phone in the washroom.
And that’s because every time I bring my cell phone into the washroom for shower, I end up spending way too long in the washroom.
What do I do?
I friggin’ reply to messages (I’d chatted with people while I stand in front of the sink for 20 min, what? yup!)
I watch stupid FB videos while I sat on the loo.
So enough is enough, and I’m declaring no phone.
I started yesterday (my birthday), today was hard, but I stopped myself from doing it. So great job! Woohoo!
*******
Today I wanted to share with you what I told my son about being fair.
A few days ago, my son had a meltdown, because he said that it’s not fair that he doesn’t have the same amount of screen time as me and my husband.
I told him, if he wants to have the same amount of screen time as me, then he’ll have to switch roles with mommy.
I said, if I have 5 hours of screen time, two of which I have fun, but the rest are for work, how is that fair that he has 5 hours of screen time for fun?
It took him a while to calm down, but I don’t know how much he took in.
Today, during dinner time, we chatted about something, and he brought up the topic of fairness again.
So I took this opportunity to repeat what I said.
And then I added the following:
You know Damien, when you grow up, you’ll be using more social media.
Maybe you’ll see a boy who will post photos of his birthday party, and you’ll look at it, and you’ll say, mommy I want to do this!
And I’ll say, no, and you’ll say, that’s not fair!
But here’s the thing, this boy may only post things that are good. He’ll never post things that are not so good.
Maybe he doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents, maybe his brother keeps chasing him and hitting him.
You don’t really know what goes on behind.
Maybe deep down, that little boy may actually want his parents to speak to him like how mommy and daddy speak to you.
So in order to be really fair, if you want that birthday party like that little boy, you’ll have to switch spots with him, then that will be fully fair.
What mommy and daddy are trying to make you see, is that we’re only looking at things on the outside, but we don’t really know what’s going on on the inside.
As I was telling him this, he was staring at me intently. And I think he got the just of it.
It was a reminder for myself too, because that had been me throughout my life. Always comparing myself to others, somehow wishing I have what other people have.
But I was really comparing apples to oranges.
Often times, we have a tendency to look at other people’s glamorous sides, and we may secretly wish for them, and then we forget all the great things that are going well for us.
Other times, this feeling of envy may make us act harshly against others, maybe we put them down, or say bad things about them, because we feel that unfairness.
Has there ever been a time in your life, where you really want to celebrate other people’s achievements, but deep down, you can’t bring yourself to be happy for them?
Yup… That was me, and sometimes, still me.
I can still remember how deep I got pulled down into that darkness, hopelessness.
It was something I had to work really hard to get out of.
And I’m sharing it because.. it’s normal to feel that.
******
So to get out of it, this is one exercise I practice.
I give myself 5 full minutes to thank everything in my life.
This is what I’d chant:
Thank you Anthony (my husband) for being in my life, I let you go.
Thank you Damien (my son) for being in my life, I let you go.
Thank you my condo, for providing a roof over my head, I let you go.
Thank you mom, for sometimes being a pain in the butt, I let you go.
Thank you mom, for loving me the way you know how, I let you go.
Thank you my job, for providing me money, I let you go.
And I’d go on and on for 5 minutes, giving thanks to whatever comes to my mind.
I thank all the good stuff, all the bad stuff, all the painful stuff, all the mundane stuff, all the amazing stuff, etc.
Every time I do it, it takes me out of my darkness.
So if you’re interested in it, give it a try and let me know how it goes.
Today is my 44th birthday, and I want to write a love letter to my 14, 24 and 34 yo me.
To my 14 year old self.
Hey gf, this was the year you just finished Gr 8, about to head into Gr 9. You grew so much from the previous years. Remember when you just got here to Canada (near the end of Gr 5), and you didn’t even know how to speak English? Guess what? You’re now able to speak English well, and you had a great year in Grade 8.
Your class teacher was Miss Wong and, she got you to do some calligraphy work for her. Believe it or not, this will become one of your future businesses!! You got a Math award, (ok sure, extreme Chinese for acing Math, but hey, if you’re good at it, you’re good at it right?) You enjoyed an end of year school trip to Quebec, where you and the other girls kept getting in trouble at night because all of you wouldn’t stop laughing and joking around! AND! You wrote a note to your crush, letting him know that you liked him! (Whatttt??? Dang girl! Even though it was super scary, and nothing happened from it, I am glad you took the chance to express your feelings!)
I know that high school wasn’t the best. I remembered on the first day of your keyboarding class, you asked this girl sitting next to you this awkward question, and she hated you for the rest of the semester, and you wished that you could turn back time and take those words back, I know GF…
High school was where you felt alone most of the time, and more than once you thought about ending it all, but I just want you to know that you are way stronger than you look. You were able to get past some of the darkest hours. And this became the foundation of being different from others, standing alone from the crowd. So hang in there. I want you to know how proud I am of you, and I want you to know that you got this! I want to give you tons of hugs, so you know that you are not alone, it’s ok to be different, and that I love you no matter what.
To my 24 yo self.
DANG GF! Guess what? You just graduated from it all! (Actually not really yet) And you’re now working as a radiation therapist!!!! You started working on Jun 28th, and I’m so proud of you!
It’s been a few years of many late nights til early mornings, hearing the birds chirp just as you were about to close your books.
You almost failed a few times, and I know how devastating it was, sitting with the instructors to talk about the next steps. Your heart pounded and your brain twisted as you went through all those assessments throughout the intern years. You sat through two days of exams, and showed up to the interview that got you through the door.
Everything paid off.
I just want you to know that, as a girl who is never satisfied… you’re going to want more, and that is ok. This is where you get to explore who you are, what you want, try things out, learn about yourself. These years are going to be where the resolve to never settle gets stronger. You are going to start exploring different businesses for yourself, failing, doubting trying again… , because there is more to life than you know.
I want to say that I’m super proud of you. Things are going to be challenging, and this is where it all begins.
To my 34 yo self.
These few years had been the most challenging for you. The never ending fights with your parents, it just seems like everyone is against you.
And you’d been continuously wondering if this the man of your life, yet deep down, you know that he’s the one.
2014, was the year that you went to Paris on your own. Back then you were interested in making macarons, and you took two classes in Paris. And guess what? You don’t know this yet, and you probably won’t believe it, but in the future, you will go back there to speak on stage as a speaker.
All of what you’re going through now will pay off. I admire all the times you say yes to yourself, I want to applaud you for doing it even when others (like mom) were so negative at you. And yet, here you are, even in the middle of this darkness, you still went after what’s in your heart.
Finally, to me, just turning 44.
I am so proud of you.
You married the man you love, you are an amazing mom to your son. You’d worked through the dark pains and did the healings required to be brave enough to stand up prouder, speak louder, and you’re still on this journey.
You created 3-4 different businesses and now you’re a coach and speaker. You’re allowing your son to explore his identity all because you allowed yourself to explore your own. You’re getting ready to write your next book. And I can’t wait, I can’t wait to see what happens next!!
Ladies (of all my past self).. what a journey.
As I’m here reflecting back, I want to bask in the knowing that I had been showing up for me. I want to thank you for experiencing the dark times, for hanging in there, for doing the hard thing, and for cheering on so loudly.
I see you, I am here for you, I love you.
And to my future self, thank you for being here with us. Thank you for shining your light back onto us, letting us know that this is a road worth walking down.
Thank you Me.
And I want to thank all the people who had been walking this road with me, cheering me on, lending me your ears, supporting me along the way.
You know who you are, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Birthday dinner at my favourite restaurant
Tomorrow is my birthday! And we went to the beach today for some fun.
I was going through my coach’s materials, and came across this quote.
“I’d rather be hated for who I really am, than loved for who I’m pretending to be.”
In it, she talked about how being more ourselves is such a wonderful idea, but why wouldn’t more people do that?
That is because in order to be more ourselves, we actually have to actively choose grief, and if I may add, fear.
Grief for the potential of losing the people we love, or losing physical security, financial security, etc.
Fear for potentially getting hurt, yelled at, shamed, etc.
When I had to make the choice between my then boyfriend (now husband) and my family, I had to deal with the pain of my family walking away.
When I spoke on stage about this incident during my speaking competition, I had to take care of the fear of potentially hurting my husband and my parents all over again.
When I work with my clients who want to stand up for themselves, some of them felt paralyzed at the potential of getting kicked out by their family, or at how they might bring “shame” to the family.
Taking each step may feel like walking through fire. And for some people, they'd rather not...
And yet, the question remains to be:
Would you rather to be hated for being who you are? Than loved for who you’re pretending to be?
As this is the last day of my 43rd year, it is definitely a question I'd like to invite you to ponder for yourself.
