Claudia Chan

I was in Gr 2.

For homework, we were given a piece of paper, with the cut outs of the windmill printed on the paper. Along with it, we were given a small pearl straight pin, and a plastic straw.

When I got home, I was so excited to get started!! There were hard lines and dotted lines on the print out, so I cut out the windmill carefully with scissors.

Then I looked at the cut out.. I knew I was supposed to bring part of it to the middle.

I brought the pointy part to the centre.. but it didn’t look right.

“Mommy can you help me with this?”

When she saw it.. she sighed.

“That’s not how you do it!” She grumbled.

Then sat down, and took over the project, the entire time, she had a scowl on her face.

A lump formed in my chest and tears welled up my eyes…

I’m so dumb.. I don’t know how to do this on my own, and mom is mad at me.

That was the fixed mindset environment I grew up in. ​

That I was either good at something, or I’m too dumb for it.

And for me, I was too dumb for many things.

I believed that I was the problem, and I just wasn’t good enough.

What I needed, was my mom to guide me, to show me, to let me know that it was okay that I didn’t know. I just had to take time to learn.​

Yet, I had to learn on my own that it is okay not to know.

It is okay to suck at stuff in the beginning.

It’s okay to make mistakes.

I also had to learn that there are people who are good at things, and suck at teaching.

My mom sucked at teaching.

Sometimes, we have a tendency to not ask for help, because we sometimes don’t want to get judgement or poor reactions thrown at our faces.

Other times, when other people react poorly at us, rather than understanding that they are the problem, we may believe that we are the problem.

Have you ever been in a situation where you just needed some help or reassurance, but instead, you ended up thinking that something’s wrong with you?

I just want you to know that you’re not alone in on this.

Nothing is wrong with you for not knowing, or needing to ask for help. Nothing is wrong with you for wanting guidance.

You just didn’t get a proper response.

If you want to do something that calls you to, go and do that thing. I’d like to invite you to go after it. With the new year coming ahead, it’s not too late, you’re not too stupid (or too fat, or too weak, or whatever you put). You still get to try it. Find the people who are willing to show you, and go for it for you. Let's break the cycle of the fixed mindset, and get more into the growth mindset.

Overcoming my perfectionism was one of the things that was hardest for me.

Since I was young, my mom had taught me never show others my flaws.

Things have to be well put together, never share with others I was struggling.

In Chinese, there is a saying, “Lifting up your shirt to show off your belly”, which means to share these vulnerable stories with others.

These are things no one wants to see.

These are things that bring shame to the person and to the family.

So when I was dating my now husband, and my mom and I were arguing with each other.. she told me to never share any of our fights with him.

Because these are “internal struggles” within the family, and it shouldn’t leak out.
One should never tell others what’s underneath, to protect our dignity, to save face.

It was extremely difficult for me to do, because it was such a big emotional toll. So I did share it with him and others at the time.

And then when I started sharing more about myself with the world, my internal voice kept questioning, kept criticizing.
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That is too much info, you’re bringing shame to the family

This is too vulnerable, no one really cares.

No one wants to know about it.

No one cares about it.

Thinking that no one really cares is one of the hardest things I had to work though in my psyche.

I didn’t want to share it with others, because I didn’t want to burden them.

More over, I didn’t want to get hurt, or disappointed, if it was somehow true.

And even more important than that.. do I care?

Do I care enough about me to share what’s on my mind?

Even when no one will listen to me, do I value my opinions enough for me to speak out?

Even when other people cast me aside, do I see myself as someone worthy to be heard?

I had to work on finding evidence of the contrary, because whatever one believes, one will find.

There are still times I fall back into the old logic, maybe no one cares…

And each time, I get to choose.

I choose to care abut myself.

I choose to value my opinions.

I choose to see myself worthy.

Because I maybe not be so important, and I’m very important at the same times.

So I choose to lift up my shirt for others to see.

To share my stories even when they may bring shame.

So that people can also know that they are not alone in this world.

Sharing is not to bring shame. It takes strength and courage to share. And at the same time, I care enough about me.

Sometimes, we have a tendency to hold back on sharing, maybe we may think that the other person is too busy to hear us out.

Other times, we may be afraid that, if we share too much, maybe the other person may get scared away.

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to share a story, and yet when it was about to come out, you changed your mind and stopped yourself from sharing?

I had found myself in those situations often.

I just want to let you know that, you're not alone. If you'd like a place to share something with us, you have a chance tomorrow.

My friend Phoebe and I are hosting our end of the year Radiant Blossom, we'll be recounting some of the things that we'd gone through this year.

If you're up for it, send me a message and mark it in your calendar so you can join us. Tomorrow, Dec 27th 8pm EST (Dec 28th 9am Beijing Time).

These past few years, I had been exploring and embracing more fun and joy in my life.
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Through playing video games or watching k-dramas, I learned that part of it was to either level up or to complete the entire series. And I had to shift my brain into looking at them from the “fun” angle.
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Even yesterday, our son pulled out the 1000 piece puzzle of the Simpsons (there were probably 500 characters), and he wanted me to help me. And I thought, of all things.. why did you pull this out?!
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So today, I spent majority of my time putting the puzzle together, and it’s 80% done.
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And I actually enjoyed it, spending time with my son, looking up each character, and locating where each piece goes.
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(The other reason why I wanted to do it, is to show him that, things are difficult, and if we take each step one at a time, we can finish it).
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I am learning to embrace each moment, to say, hey I am enjoying it, not just working hard, but to live.
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Because this is life.
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Often times, we have a tendency to focus on our to-do list, and when it’s done, we may move quickly to the next thing. And we may even choose to do what we’re supposed to do, rather than what we really want to do.
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Have you ever found yourself pushing aside the things you want to do, because you have a thought that, it is “not productive”?
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I do that often myself.
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And for this upcoming year, I also want to continue to bring more fun into my life.
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So I wish that for this holiday and new year, I hope that you get to embrace that part of you, so you get to experience that joy and wonder.

This is my conversation I had with my “perfectionism”. What came out of it was the message of: it’s because you hadn’t been practicing, so I had to protect you. 😅 So I’m showing up, renewing my commitment to creating videos again.

So last night, I was talking to my husband, and I said, you know, one of the things I really wanted to do for this year is to focus more on what I want to do.

I mean I have been roller skating, reading a lot of mangas with Damien, and we even binge watched the King’s Affection.

But still… for the most part, my mind still goes on a rampage, questioning why I don’t do certain things because the things I do have to be productive, business related, home related, work related…

And I am tired.

So Anthony asked, ok so if you really have a lot of time, what would you want to do.

And I said, I don’t know, maybe skate more, sleep more, play more games, binge watched shows more?

So Anthony was like, then take a few weeks off, or maybe Jan off to do whatever you want.

And I thought.. well.. since it is Dec 16th and it’s the last 16 days of the year… why don’t I just start doing whatever I want?

And no beating myself up over it.

If I pick something up because I want to, I do it.

If I put it down because I’m bored, I do it.

If I want to go lie down, I do it.

If I want to write an email, I do it.

If I don’t want to respond, I don’t do it.

If I don’t want to clean up, I don’t do it.

I just allow.

So now, I want to share this email with you, to ask you to join me in this end of year challenge. For the last 15 days of 2024, you get to do whatever you want.

And even if you feel guilty, it’s ok.

Even if you get yelled at, you can go and yell at the other person, it’s ok.

If you need permission, I give you permission.

Here, Permission given. Go, have fun, and let me know what comes up (or if you don’t want to, you don’t have to)

You can’t connect with others (or even yourself) when you’re protecting yourself.

This is a quote I heard from my mentor, Sean Smith, today.

He was talking about how we sometimes wish for deeper connection with others (to show them who we really are), but because of the fact that we don’t want to get hurt, we end up closing ourselves off.

Two ingredients that are needed are safety, and courage.

Because when we don’t feel safe, we don’t open up.

And if we lack courage to change, we’ll remain the same.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t have the people who can offer us a safe space. Also, we’re rarely encouraged to be different in our lives.

So for the month of September, I’ll be hosting two Magic Circle sessions.

Both sessions will be a free time for us to come together for open sharing and deep listening.

We’ll get a chance to share about anything on our mind, and we also hold space for others to talk.

The first one will be on Monday Sept 9th, 9pm EST.

The second one will be on Saturday September 21st 9am ET.

In terms of what we’re going to share, you can share anything that is on your mind, or I will be giving prompts as a guide. I will feel more into the session when the time comes.

The aim for the Magic Circle is two folds.

First is to offer a safe space so we can allow our body, mind and soul to be open.

The second is to cultivate that necessary courage to be who we are.

Allowing ourselves to speak up in a safe space will build up our courage to speak more of our truths in the real world.

Interested in this? Sign up here.

And mark your calendar.

Monday Sept 9th, 9pm EST.

Saturday Sept 21st, 9am ET.

I’ll see you there.