Today I want to talk about this concept of power, because I saw this video from Sven, where he talks about the 3 types of power.
And what I want to talk about is, why it’s so hard to claim this power for ourselves.
Recently, I heard a few people, including one of my clients, say, “I am just fed up that my parents would just call me, and all they want is for me to send them money or do things for them. And they never even ask how I am doing.
And even on Reddit, where people would talk about how their parents are making them invite people they don’t want to their weddings, or else they’re not going to show up.
So it’s either, forcing them to do something they don’t want, or not allowing them to do the things that they want.
In Sven’s video, he talks about how we have to realize that we have the power.
And we can claim this power for ourselves.
And yet it’s a very difficult thing for many people to do.
Because it’s like in the Spiderman movie, “With great power, comes great responsibility”.
As cheesy as it sounds, it is so real.
Responsibility over ourselves.
And I will share 2 responsibilities with you.
1) taking full responsibilities for our actions.
There is no longer someone we can rely on to tell us what to do, which means, if things go wrong, we don’t have anyone else to blame except for ourselves.
When I was dating my now husband, one of the things that kept looping in my mind is this: “What if I made the wrong decision?” (Translates to: what if mom was right?)
What if I was dumb enough to marry this guy, he hurt me, I would have to suffer.
If I’d gone ahead with the decision, I could no longer say, “But you told me to do it!”
That responsibility is mine to take on.
2) taking on the responsibility for our awareness and our own healing.
While living in a co-dependent world, most of us were raised in a “transactional” relationship.
If I do this for you, you owe me.
So you have to repay me in some way.
If I give this to you, there is an unspoken debt, that I expect you to give something back to me
In my household, whenever we get something from other people, my mom would always make it a point to “give back” something that is equivalent to that amount.
Someone treats us to dinner, she may give back money through red pockets.
If they got us gifts, she may treat them to dinner.
And especially in the Chinese culture, because of this value called filial piety, it’s ingrained in our psyche.
Where the parents sacrificed themselves for their kids and family, so when the kids grow up, they are responsible for taking care of the parents.
Of course in the ideal world, it is filled with love and free will, and because everyone feels loved, they would choose to do the loving thing. And it is still a choice.
But when the parents have gone to the extreme, taking full advantage of the kids, disrespecting them, and not acknowledging their hurtful actions, then the Child needs to take on this power to become aware:
“Hey! That’s enough! What you’d been doing is wrong, and I’m tired of your BS!”
And this power comes with a lot backlash.
Guilt - when the parents turn the victim mentality around, saying that it’s the kid who’s now being disrespectful, and harping on how much they’d sacrificed for the kid.
Isolation - when the parents get other people to gang up on them, turning their backs on them.
Shame - when the parents talk about how disappointed they are because their kids are bad, and getting other people to talk about them negatively.
And our power is to take on the responsibility to heal (after awareness).
Because no one can change us, and we cannot change others. We can only change ourselves.
We have to be responsible for taking care of our emotions and do our own healing, so that we can stand stronger for us.
And that is what claiming your power looks like.
Realizing that we have the power, and being ready to take on the responsibility for the power.
It is not easy, yet on the other side, it is so freeing
What if you can finally say:
I am doing this because this is the best for me, and I allow other people to be mad at me and I’m ok with that!
I can now say no to requests when it’s not in alignment with me, and I don’t feel the need to explain why I’m saying no.
And being able to say: yes, my kids are doing something that goes against me, AND I’m proud that they’re growing up to be their own person, I no longer feel the need to control them and their actions.
What about you?
Imagine this power is right in front of you, what would you like to say about your life once you claim that power?
And for sure, the middle ugly stuff will come up, and know that I am right here when you’re ready to go on this journey.
When you’re ready, you can always book a free 20-min consultation with me.
Let’s get you on this journey where you are truly powerful over your own life.
On Sunday, I signed my son up for this brain research, they were trying to compare the differences between how adult and children memorize things and solve problems.
I thought it would be fun for Damien to try because he would get to play some games, get a print out of his brain, and get some monetary compensation.
Everything went well, until midway through, he said he got a headache, so we had to stop.
The researcher still compensated us for the time.
Why I’m writing is.. is because I want to share with you all the awful things my brain was saying.
“This is so easy, why can’t you finish this?”
“Oh no.. look how disappointed he is… we can’t help this researcher finish, he will have to recruit for another participant..”
“Oh c’mon, just bare with it!”
“This is so embarrassing!”
Of course I never said any of these to my son. I thanked him for giving this new thing a try, and I applauded him for speaking up for not feeling right.
But a part of me can’t help thinking.. my son didn’t complete this, so he failed.
So same things that are directed at me.
I planned to do this, I can’t get to it, I failed.
I wanted to complete that, but I’m so tired. Well grind through anyways! Because there’s no other way.
I’m going too slow. What’s wrong with you?
Others people can do this, why can’t you do that too?
And this really reminds me of the Celine Dion movie, where at the end, she was trying to push herself, and I could feel that disappointment with herself for being unable to sing as she’d wanted…
And then her whole body went into a full spasm (showing an episode of her having the stiff body syndrome).
I know I had been disregarding all the things that I have worked on, or have done and completed.
And I know I’d been pushing myself, and I don’t tap into my own body to figure out what really works for me.
So to deal with my own disappointment:
I have to really acknowledge the fact that I am disappointed.
And
Remind myself that I am proud.
I am disappointed with my son unable to complete the scan.
And I am proud of him trying new things.
And speaking up for not feeling well. It’s ok to not complete something.
I am disappointed of my slow progress.
And I am proud of all the things I have completed.
I am disappointed of all the things I want to do and still haven’t done.
And I am proud of all the times I allot to rest and have fun.
And last night, I slept for a good 10 hours, because I needed that.
And in the middle of the night, I noticed my brain saying things to me.
“I am disappointed that I didn’t get to finish composing this email, and I am proud that I forced myself to sleep and rest. And I am proud of all the days I did the work and showed up.”
So if you’d like to take care of your disappointment,
It’s ok to be disappointed.
And then double down on what you’re proud of.
Give that a try and let me know how that works for you!
So today, I was watching the storyline of the Mortal Kombat 1 Video game (which is the storyline after the Mortal Kombat 11 Game).
The main idea is, there are multiple timelines running simultaneously, and each character could turn out very differently.
It also reminded me of the movie, Everything Everywhere All At Once, where Michelle Yeoh’s character could see all the potential paths she could take in different universes.
Which leads me to this question.. what if my life can be different?
In one timeline, you stay where you are.
In another timeline, you make a small change in your life.
And that change can propel you down a different path.
If that’s the case, then what decision do you want to make for yourself?
Recently I came across this video by Sven, and I really wanted to respond to it:
This is always one of the hardest steps my clients have to walk through, when it is necessary for them to cut off their parents.
Now, before we move on, I’d like to share this with you.
After my mom gave birth to me, she decided to become a stay at home mom.
So she raised me and brother at home until we came to Canada (which was when I turned 11).
She took care of everything a mom could do.
And even after she became a working mom, she took care of us in every way possible.
She made sure we had food to eat, a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, took care of our school (university).
My mom did everything she could, she saved money, she’d rather spend it on us than on herself, never went on trips, was frugal.
So when I had my son, which was during the time I was starting my first business, I got caught in a forked road.
Give up my dreams, spend more time on my son, because I’m a mom now.
Or
Spend time on my dreams, because I want to be ME.
Anger brewed on days when I had planned to work on my business. And when he cried, delayed his sleep time, or not listen to me, I got upset and annoyed at him.
I looked at other moms, who were able to work on their businesses, how come they got to work on their dreams? While I’m here, having to give up mine?
Then right away, a heaviness of guilt took over, how could you be such a bad mom? Being so selfish, only thinking about yourself, taking your time and attention away from your son?
You see, while growing up, I was called selfish so many times. When I focused on myself while living at home, I’d be asked, “How could you be so self-centred?”
After working on myself… I saw that I was allowed to work on myself, focus on myself… because I have a dream, and it matters.
I can choose me, because I matter.
When I look at my son now, I love being his mom.
Yet I know one thing: I don’t OWN him.
He’s not mine. He’s his own person.
And I CHOOSE to take care of him, because I LOVE him.
And choosing to love is based on my own free will.
If I decide to not work on my business and choose to spend time with him, then it is MY CHOICE. Not because I “need to be a good mom” and is “expected to take care of him”.
I choose to spend money on him rather than on myself, because I want to see him grow and live up to his full potential.
When he grows up, I know full well that he may have to move away from me, and not be by my side.
Now, if anything happens to me, I can make a request for him to come back. If he is unable to come back to be by my side, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.
Maybe he just can’t.
Or maybe he doesn’t want to.
And it’s okay.
Of course I’ll be disappointed or hurt. But I am responsible for my own feelings. I cannot rely on him to take care of my emotions.
AND if he chooses to come back to take care of me, that’s the cherry on top.
He can choose to either say yes or no, because he has free will.
I can’t force him to do what he doesn’t want to, or cannot do.
Which means, I can’t say something like, “Oh you don’t love me, because you’re not doing this for me.” This will be manipulation, guilt tripping him into doing something.
My son has a choice.
And so do I.
Which means, if my parents ever request for something, and if I say I cannot, but they forcefully make me do it against my will (through guilt trip), or actively hurt me to make me do it (like yell at me, or verbally abuse me), then it’s a form of disrespect.
And if it’s not okay for one person to disrespect another person, then why is it okay for a parent to disrespect a child?
So in these cases, if the child feels disrespected, and if the parents continues to show no signs of change in behaviour, THEN, this is where I come in to help my clients take a stand to walk out.
Everyone needs to learn to take responsibility for their own lives, and no one can judge someone else for making such a decisions.
Because what you see, is not your battle.
So to answer this controversial question, I also believe that, if it's called for, then there is NOTHING WRONG with cutting off the parents.
I will always stand with my client. Because they are born into this world to live their own lives. They can choose to stay, or they can choose to leave.
We must all learn to exercise our free will to choose what is best for us. We must start taking responsibilities for our own decisions (choose our dreams), and stop relying on others to clean up our messes, and blaming others for the decisions that we make.
When we can learn to love ourselves, and can validate ourselves (without needing others to do it for us), it’s a beautiful thing. Because when others choose to come back to us and love us, then that will be the cherry on top.
If you feel that you're at a cross road and would like to stand up for yourself, but don't know how to do it, or too scared to do it, then book a free 20-min consult with me. This is where I'll be getting to know your situation more, and you can ask me anything. We can come up with a plan for you, and see if we're a good fit to work together.
Know that I understand that this is a difficult journey, and I am right here with you.‹
This is a special gift for you. I had written these words for myself, and I decided to put all these special messages together as a video for me. And I thought, I can share it with you too. Hope you enjoy it.
There was a Reddit post where the Original Poster was wondering how she could become more independent. She said that both her mom and boyfriend were pressuring her into doing something that she didn’t want. So she wanted suggestions on how to juggle between her mom’s wants, her boyfriend’s wants and what she wants.
First of all, I want to say that if this resonates with you, you’re not alone.
We live in a co-dependent world. Where growing up, we might have gotten yelled at, criticized, abandoned, guilt tripped, and even praised in order to “please” our parents.
To the point where we only feel worthy and loved when we make them feel happy, make them feel proud.
We were never asked what we want. Our existence was to fulfill other people’s needs. So it’s very normal to
1. not know exactly what we want for ourselves. And
2. become really anxious and concerned when we need to stand up for ourselves, because what if they get mad at me? What if they don’t love me anymore?
So in order to become independent, there comes a point where we have to learn to stand for ourselves. That means even when other people get mad at us, or walk out on us.
When we can stand on our own two feet to say… I am willing to stand here even if you leave me and no longer love me. That is where we start gaining independence.
So what does it really take?
First of all, we have to figure out what exactly do we want for ourselves.
Because how do we know where we stand if we don’t know what we want?
It could be something big, like a dream we have. Like I want to quit my job and become a rock star. Or just a stance, like, I really want to be with my boyfriend (whom my parents don’t approve of).
Then we have to deal with the emotions, both our own emotions, and withstand other people’s outbursts: anger, guilt, pain, frustration, etc.
We also have to process our grief, from losing their love and support.
All of these, is to go after one thing, which is to build our self-trust and reliance.
Meaning: even when other people leave me, even when I am alone, I know that I am strong enough to stand for me, and I know that I can get through this hardship.
This is not overnight, it takes time, it takes courage, it takes support.
That’s why this Friday, my friend Phoebe and I are having our community hour Radiant Blossom, and we’re going to go through Becoming Part 1: “What Do I Want?”
Mark your calendar now, it on July 19th 9pm EST (July 20th 9am Beijing Time).
Sign up with this link, because sometimes you need to get your butt in that chair and work through this together with someone!
Last night, my husband and I were playing Mortal Kombat 11, and at the end of the story line, we got to choose between playing as the good guy or the bad guy. Of course, without thinking about it, my husband chose the good guy.
But when I saw it, I was like, “WAIT!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE GET TO CHOOSE???” (Choosing to be the bad guy means that the bad guy wins).
So of course, our son and I made him replay the ending as the bad guy, (too bad, it was a bit underwhelming).
Yet here’s the thing, when I was growing up, I loved those choose your own adventure books. I would always go back to previous points to see what could have happened if I picked a different outcome.
And interesting enough, while growing up, a part of me ALWAYS wondered and questioned why things had to be a certain way. Why can’t things be different?
Now why am I talking about this?
Because, sometimes, we may come across situations where we may feel like, “That is no other choices”.
But what if, there is?
When I started my business, my son was very young. I had to take care of my son, and I also had to work full time. Many times, I would feel bogged down by this nasty feeling called resentment.
I would look at other moms, and I would compare myself to them.
“Of course they could work on their business! Cause they’re stay at home moms!”
“Of course their business is flourishing because they had help from their moms or in-laws.”
“I have no time! I still have to work full time.”
“I still have to take care of my son.”
“I still have to take care of household chores.” (even though my husband takes care of a lot of things).
I felt defeated… I felt as if I had to put my dreams on hold.
If only I have more time to do the things I want!!!
While at the same time:
In my head, I could hear my mom’s voice, “You’re a mom now, so you have to give your son more of your undivided attention.”
I could also see how much my husband was doing at home, and my brain would say, “Claudia, you’re not pulling your weight as a wife!”
Resentment - Guilt - Disappointment.
I call it the unholy trinity, because they somehow go hand in hand, pulling me down a spiral.
Here’s an example of how it would pull me down:
On days my son would sleep a little bit later, even though it was only 15 or 30 min longer than usual, the unholy trinity would activate its energy…
“I don’t have time to do anything for me anymore!”
I would get upset at him, and by the time he was asleep, rather than starting to do my work, I would start scrolling through social media. Then I would see other people’s work, and I would feel even worse about myself.
A super awful combination.
I remembered one day, when I heard Brooke Castillo’s story, (the coach whom I completed my Life Coach Certification with), it stopped me in my tracks!
She talked about bringing her kids to the park one day, while watching them play, this idea came to her:
“I could actually stand up and walk away right now if I want to.”
When I heard that, I was like… “WAIT! What do you mean you can just stand up and walk away if you want to?”
Oh sh*t… she can.
There are so many women (and men) who just decided to get up and leave their kids.
Now, whether it is the “right” thing to do or not, that’s not the point.
The point is, she has a choice.
Just like picking a different option in the adventure book.
Just like picking to play as the bad guy in Mortal Kombat 11.
Now, maybe you’re in a situation where you feel like you’re stuck.
Maybe you have to take care of your kids.
Maybe you have to take care of your aging parents.
And this “obligation” has somehow turned into resentment-disappointment-guilt.
And this unholy trinity has somehow been pulling you downward.
“Claudia, why do I have to do this? But I don’t have a choice....”
I get it.
It’s such an awful feeling, that it just seems like there are no other options.
Here’s something I’d like to present you.
Take a deep breath in, and out.
And for a moment, just imagine yourself making the other choice in your head.
What if you’re allowed to choose the other option, let it go.
I know, guilt will come in, “But I can’t! I’ll be selfish!”
Yes, but this is imagination right now, you’re not really doing this for real.
Just for a moment, if you can allow yourself to let go of that inner voice, the one that labels you as a bad mom, or a bad daughter.
And imagine yourself choosing the other option…
What could happen in that world?
How will you feel if you can choose that option?
What are possibilities that can happen to make this option feasible?
Here’re some possible options:
Maybe you’d like to work through the guilt, so you can really allow yourself to choose something different to pursue your dreams.
Maybe you’d like to explore options of how to get help to lighten your load, so you can pursue your dreams.
Maybe you actually like what you have now. You just want to work through the unholy trinity, so that “resentment-disappointment-guilty” doesn’t have any hold on you. Which means, whatever little time you do have, rather than spiralling downward, you can use that time to pursue your dreams.
What do you want for you?
At the end of the day, you get to choose.
You can choose Option Parent/Kid
You can choose Option You.
You can choose Option Both.
Because you’re the one who makes your own choices in your own adventure.
I hope that this perspective can help you look at your life slightly different. I highly encourage you to imagine it for a moment, because you deserve to choose what's best for you.
If something comes up for you, I'd really like to hear about your experience. What came up for you? Share your response with me.
