Last Friday, my accountability sister, Phoebe and I held our very first community hour.
In this session, we dived into getting to know how fear feels like in our body, and we also sent ourselves some loving affirmations.
The main reason why we did this was because most of us were brought up to ignore our body's signals.
You see, growing up, we might be forced to comply with our parents wishes (no matter how reluctant we were), or we might have continuously pushed ourselves toward something really scary, to the point where our bodies said, "Enough is enough! We stop here!"
So even though our brains still want all these wonderful dreams, our bodies became incapable of bringing us forward.
"I really want to do it, but I can't, maybe I'm not meant for this..."
So it's really important for us to start paying attention to it and acknowledge it. It is through awareness that we can make changes.
If you missed out on our session, here's a replay.
13:55 learn how to feel how fear feels like in the body.
37:50 learn to speak loving words to our bodies, brains and hearts.
I remember there was one time, I just talked to my own brain, where I said, “hey I want to love you some more, so the next time I get critical, I want you to make me aware of it.” And my brain started pointing out whenever I was being harsh to me.
It was powerful, not because I was judging myself, it was just so I know exactly how I was treating myself, so I can treat myself better.
Because we all deserve to be treated better, and it starts with us.
If you want get both of our freebies, here're the links
https://claudiachan.co/flip-the-table/
https://selflovewithphoebe.ck.page/
We will be hosting more of these free sessions in the future, if there is something you felt stuck and you’d like to address, send me an email so we can talk about them.
Have fun and enjoy!
In Nov, I brought my son to get his booster Covid shot. While we were walking into a building, there was another mom and her two kids. The younger one was a bit scared. The mom said, I’d done it so many times, I’m not scared. Your brother is not scared either.
Once inside the clinic, there was another girl who was screaming and crying, her dad was trying to calm her down, but she kept screaming. And at the end her dad said, “Don’t hit yourself.” Followed by her response, “What’s wrong with me?”
My heart broke 💔
This is one of the damaging effects of dismissing fear.
When you were growing up, have you ever been told, don’t be scare! Why are you scared? There is nothing to be scared of!
When we keep telling ourselves and our kids that there’s nothing to be scared of, what happens is, when we feel scared, our brains believe that we’re the only one experiencing it!
Others are not scared! Why am I scared? Something must be wrong with me!
But it gets a bit more complicated than that.
When we want to do something and feel scared, our brains quickly dismiss the fear but our bodies still feel the fear, so our bodies hold back from moving forward.
We feel very uncomfortable in this conflict, so our brains will try to get us to do something else to make us feel better
CUE the food searching, social media scrolling, Netflix binging, game playing, email checking, etc.
Then after some time, the critical part of our brains starts:
Why aren’t you doing this? You should have done this earlier!
Guilt.
You’re such a procrastinator, you don’t have it in you. You’re not cut out for it.
Shame.
Repeat it enough times, and we believe we are the problem..
Dismiss fear, and we get stuck believing that something’s wrong with us..
To undo this.. we’ve got to became aware of the fear.
Face it.
Hold it.
Rather than dismissing it, we teach our brains it’s ok to be scared.
And that’s what my friend, Phoebe Maina and I will be doing this Friday during our free community hour.
Giving our bodies a chance to come face to face with fear. Learning to hold it, love it.
Two days ago, I was thinking about what to post on Instagram, my inner critic was strong, so I thought, OK, I'm going to make it easy for me. I'm going to post a photo of me holding my Christmas present, Kuromi (one of the Sanrio characters), given to me by my husband.
Guess what? Once I posted it, my brain started coming down hard on me.
Look at you! You're 43, and you're showing yourself holding onto a doll?
Look at all the grey hair on your head.
Why do you have to show that? You're too childish.
I kid you not, it went on and on in my head. It got really uncomfortable.
And at the same time, I was really proud of myself, because if I can't even share this simple photo of myself, how could I share other things?
It once again showed me, all the rules and expectations that I had created in my brain, how there is an "appropriate" way to behave, how to act, what to do.
And this is the thing, there may be things in our lives that we want to do.
Maybe we want to try out belly dancing.
Maybe we want to post more on social media.
Maybe we want to write that book.
But our minds may start criticizing us, laying the rules on us.
You're too old to bellydance!
Who do you think you are? There are people who are more qualified than you!
Don't make me laugh, you? Write a book?
On and on and on (and on and on).
And they are extremely uncomfortable. So we end up making excuses, procrastinating..
For me, I had to face my fear, so I could separate out myself from that voices that doesn't belong to me. It's only through this process, I could then pry each finger off, one by one, so I can let myself go and be free.
And I have to get to know it first, in order for me to pry them off.
Today, I came upon an interview by Elaine Lin Hering. She is the author of the book called "Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully".
In this recent interview, she said that "The advice “be more courageous” or “have more confidence” fails to consider the many of our choices are a result of careful calculation.
Calculation of the blowback we can stomach.
Calculation of the relational costs.
Calculation of the emotional labor required.
Calculation of whether I get to keep my job.
These calculations are so engrained in us from the times we've been burned that it makes silence make sense.
Want people to speak up?
Change the calculus, not the person."
So as a Courage Coach, I was wondering where does Courage really fit in.
And this is my take on this: for me, the “calculations” is the awareness piece. Understanding what are the costs, what could potentially happen, and how much a person can take on, so that we can shift. Because we can’t shift without becoming aware in the first place.
And of course! When we come upon really difficult situations, our brains will always remain silent! Because our brains’ primary function is to protect us, keep us from getting hurt.
And yet I believe that when I talk about courage, it’s not just in the end part where we “speak up”.
Because for me, courage is a necessary ingredient to help me face any and all discomfort.
To allow oneself to SIT with the feeling of helplessness takes courage.
To accept the fact that I am unable to do anything about my situation RIGHT NOW takes courage.
To endure the hardship, humiliation, suffering, for a long period of time takes courage.
AND it’s only after understanding why I’m holding myself back and accepting where I am right now, THEN I can make a decision.
These things are happening right now, AND I get to choose what’s best for me.
I can either choose to speak up, and risk getting laid off.
Or choose to remain silent for 6 months (or 1 year, or however long), so that I can search for another job, or I can go out there and create better relationships so I have better opportunities.
I get to decide how long I want to endure something for.
Both of these choices take courage.
It is not mutually exclusive, courage is needed along the entire way.
Because let’s be real, the water is extremely difficult to swim in.
For an Asian girl living in a white dominated, male dominated society.
I feel it in my bones (all the judgement, all the stares, all the put downs) when I go out there, put myself out there.
Courage allows me to acknowledge that my hands are tied right now, and it helps me to decide HOW I want to proceed for myself.
Taping into the courage to face the uncomfortable and making the difficult decisions, which gives the power back to ME.
Thank you, Elaine, for your sharing! (Really looking forward to reading this book! I pre-ordered it!)
Now that the holidays is over, maybe you got a chance to reflect back on how it went.
Did you find yourself…
-doing everything to make sure other people are happy?
-making sure everything is running smoothly?
-catering to everyone’s needs before yours?
I remember growing up, I was always one of the few girls who would plan for all the gatherings. Because if I didn’t, the gatherings wouldn’t happen!
I’d make sure we stay connected, make sure everyone is available, make sure no one is left behind.
And there were a few occasions where someone couldn’t make it, and I’d suggest to keep the date.
But the immediate feedback would be, “Should we change it to another date? Because so and so can’t make it…”
REALLY???? That would INSTANTLY set me off.
Yet, I would cave, and continue to try, to make sure everyone was available and onboard.
But eventually, it sucked up all the fun for me!
I became resentful.
There were even a few times where I reacted childishly, made sarcastic remarks, to the point where it made other people uncomfortable.
And I stopped planning for gatherings.
Through the years of inner work, I learned that I caved and catered to others, because I didn’t want to be seen as lazy or inconsiderate.
Because growing up, my mom would use those words to describe me.
So even when I don’t want to do it, I would go the extra mile to prove to others (and myself) that I am not lazy and inconsiderate.
And at the same time, I learned that, EVEN IF I am a lazy and inconsiderate, it’s ok.
Because in order for me to give more of myself, I have to take care of me first.
So it’s ok for me to be “lazy” and “inconsiderate”. I learned to love me for them.
————————————
Two nights ago, I created a visual to help other people understand the basics of how people-pleasing tendency started. So I want to share them with you.
No surprise at all, we obtained most of our behaviours while growing up with our parents/care takers.
Our interactions with them could be too painful, too traumatic, so we changed ourselves to avoid the negative.
And the behaviour remains as we get older.
So even though our bodies get angry or resentful, we continue to do it.
But we are not our younger selves anymore. We want to be able to stand up for us, and decide to do things that are best for us.
And in order to break the people-pleasing cycle, to stop being responsible for other people’s feelings, to stand up for ourselves, we have to look at the ugly stuff.
We do so by processing our fears, heal our pains, build our courage and love ourselves.
If you are at a point where you are too sick and tired of feeling resentful and upset at everyone around you, I want you to know that you’re not alone.
I’d like to invite you to join me on a one month journey called Liberation. It’s a 1:1 sessions with 4-1hr zoom calls ($200 CAD for 4 sessions)
After working with me, you will feel freer to make the best decisions for you.
You will know exactly how to deal with the negative emotions when they come up.
You’ll find yourself doing things because you want to, not because you are forced to.
You also get to have peace and fun back into your life.
If you’re interested to learn more about it, I invite you to hop on a free 20-min consult with me, so I can get to know your situation, and we can see if we’re a good fit to work with each other!
If you don’t see a time that fits you, send me an email, and we can arrange.
That’s all from me for today!
Here’s a little bit of my end of year share…
As I sit in my bed I thought, How is it almost 2024? Didn’t we just start 2023?
Maybe for most people, they feel like, rah rah… let’s look at our accomplishment!
And yet my judgemental brain would still come down strong on me.
Then my heart would start pounding, thinking about all the stuff on my plate, and it feels as if I’m being compressed from all sides.
…
My husband got my son Minecraft for Christmas, but instead of my son playing, I started playing the game.
At first, I didn’t understand what this game was about, but once I started I got lured into it.
It’s called Minecraft because you mine and craft.
And I love the mining.
My brain got super addicted to it, I wanted to see how much of each special material I could obtain.
And I started searching for answers online. How do I do this? How do I get that? What is this thing for? What can I create from it?
I was having fun! All I wanted was to keep playing.
…
Then I thought, what is so special about this game that my brain got so excited about?
I mean I’m excited about a game… yet sometimes doing life is like, pulling teeth.. why is that? and more importantly, how can I apply it to my life?
And my brain presented this idea to me…
When you studied with your mom when you were 8-9 yo, she would hit you every time you get an answer wrong… that is why!
And logically I knew that.
In this game (or any games) I feel safe. I can’t get it wrong.. and I love success. And games are designed to be easy in the beginning to get you hooked!
In real life, it was ingrained in my brain that it’s not safe to show up.
Whether I was :
Presenting an idea.
Networking with other people.
Showing off my wins..
All of these invite “Judgement”, and I could potentially get hurt.
That’s how my brain puts so much pressure on me.
To be “perfect” or I could get “hit”.
It took me a long time to get to where I am right now.
And I am still working through it.
Yet I am very proud of myself, of how far I’ve come.
To stop my perfectionistic-self from holding me back.
Because each time I stepped up and showed up, it was another piece of evidence to show my brain that:
❤️ I don’t have to be perfect.
❤️ It is okay to step up, even when I’m scared.
❤️ It’s better to show up and do what I want, even when I am not perfect.
Along the way, I am reprogramming my brain to believe that I am more than what I see.
I can go for the impossible, I can do what’s in my heart.
Life is a challenge. And it’s well worth living.
….
If you’re been beating yourself up for having not accomplished that you’d wanted in 2023, nothing has gone wrong.
It’s a learning process.
But don’t give up. If it is still in your heart, then it is still possible for you.
Sign up for “2024, Let’s Go!” for a 50 min session with me.
And let’s see what is possible for you!
Gift this for yourself for this upcoming year.
4 more days and 2023 is a wrap.
How are you feeling as you think about 2023 coming to a close?
Maybe what you’d wanted to do this year, somehow you didn’t get to it…
Maybe what you’d hoped to achieve, once again it got left behind.
What if it’s ok. Nothing has gone wrong. It didn’t happen because it wasn’t meant to happen.
And at the same time, what if 2024 is the year that is possible for you to achieve that thing.
Maybe you want to build a stronger network for yourself?
Maybe you want to find a new job to better your family?
Maybe you want to have a better relationship with your spouse or kids?
Maybe you want to start playing the piano because it lights up your heart?
Whatever it is, don’t let perfectionism steal your 2024.
I’m offering a 1:1 50 min goal setting session called “2024, Let’s Go!”
We’ll discuss your #1 goal or project for this upcoming year, and I’ll include a personalized guided hypnosis to help you:
- 🤚🏻Stop unwanted habits that are not serving you
- 🌱Plant your goal or creative project (and add a dose of COURAGE!)
- 🌴Imagine growing your idea and seeing it blossom
- 🌟Get ready to make it happen for this year!
It‘s $120 in value, and I’m offering this for $24CAD to only 20 people (2024.. get it? 🎉)!
It’s ONLY $24 CAD (only for the first 20 people!)
If you’re interested in this, click on this link to book!
Payment must be made upon booking!
Paypal: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/claudiachanco
E-transfer: claudia@claudiachan.co
(If you cannot find a time that suits you, send me an email at claudia@claudiachan.co, and we can arrange.)
