Claudia Chan

Recently I came across this video by Sven, and I really wanted to respond to it: 

This is always one of the hardest steps my clients have to walk through, when it is necessary for them to cut off their parents.

Now, before we move on, I’d like to share this with you.

After my mom gave birth to me, she decided to become a stay at home mom.

So she raised me and brother at home until we came to Canada (which was when I turned 11).

She took care of everything a mom could do.

And even after she became a working mom, she took care of us in every way possible.

She made sure we had food to eat, a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, took care of our school (university).

My mom did everything she could, she saved money, she’d rather spend it on us than on herself, never went on trips, was frugal.

So when I had my son, which was during the time I was starting my first business, I got caught in a forked road.

Give up my dreams, spend more time on my son, because I’m a mom now.

Or

Spend time on my dreams, because I want to be ME.

Anger brewed on days when I had planned to work on my business. And when he cried, delayed his sleep time, or not listen to me, I got upset and annoyed at him.

I looked at other moms, who were able to work on their businesses, how come they got to work on their dreams? While I’m here, having to give up mine?

Then right away, a heaviness of guilt took over, how could you be such a bad mom? Being so selfish, only thinking about yourself, taking your time and attention away from your son?

You see, while growing up, I was called selfish so many times. When I focused on myself while living at home, I’d be asked, “How could you be so self-centred?”

After working on myself… I saw that I was allowed to work on myself, focus on myself… because I have a dream, and it matters.

I can choose me, because I matter.

When I look at my son now, I love being his mom.

Yet I know one thing: I don’t OWN him.

He’s not mine. He’s his own person.

And I CHOOSE to take care of him, because I LOVE him.

And choosing to love is based on my own free will.

If I decide to not work on my business and choose to spend time with him, then it is MY CHOICE. Not because I “need to be a good mom” and is “expected to take care of him”.

I choose to spend money on him rather than on myself, because I want to see him grow and live up to his full potential.

When he grows up, I know full well that he may have to move away from me, and not be by my side.

Now, if anything happens to me, I can make a request for him to come back. If he is unable to come back to be by my side, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.

Maybe he just can’t.

Or maybe he doesn’t want to.

And it’s okay.

Of course I’ll be disappointed or hurt. But I am responsible for my own feelings. I cannot rely on him to take care of my emotions.

AND if he chooses to come back to take care of me, that’s the cherry on top.

He can choose to either say yes or no, because he has free will.

I can’t force him to do what he doesn’t want to, or cannot do.

Which means, I can’t say something like, “Oh you don’t love me, because you’re not doing this for me.” This will be manipulation, guilt tripping him into doing something.

My son has a choice.

And so do I.

Which means, if my parents ever request for something, and if I say I cannot, but they forcefully make me do it against my will (through guilt trip), or actively hurt me to make me do it (like yell at me, or verbally abuse me), then it’s a form of disrespect.

And if it’s not okay for one person to disrespect another person, then why is it okay for a parent to disrespect a child?

So in these cases, if the child feels disrespected, and if the parents continues to show no signs of change in behaviour, THEN, this is where I come in to help my clients take a stand to walk out.

Everyone needs to learn to take responsibility for their own lives, and no one can judge someone else for making such a decisions.

Because what you see, is not your battle.

So to answer this controversial question, I also believe that, if it's called for, then there is NOTHING WRONG with cutting off the parents.

I will always stand with my client. Because they are born into this world to live their own lives. They can choose to stay, or they can choose to leave.

We must all learn to exercise our free will to choose what is best for us. We must start taking responsibilities for our own decisions (choose our dreams), and stop relying on others to clean up our messes, and blaming others for the decisions that we make.

When we can learn to love ourselves, and can validate ourselves (without needing others to do it for us), it’s a beautiful thing. Because when others choose to come back to us and love us, then that will be the cherry on top.

If you feel that you're at a cross road and would like to stand up for yourself, but don't know how to do it, or too scared to do it, then book a free 20-min consult with me. This is where I'll be getting to know your situation more, and you can ask me anything. We can come up with a plan for you, and see if we're a good fit to work together.

Know that I understand that this is a difficult journey, and I am right here with you.‹