Claudia Chan

On Sunday, I signed my son up for this brain research, they were trying to compare the differences between how adult and children memorize things and solve problems.

​I thought it would be fun for Damien to try because he would get to play some games, get a print out of his brain, and get some monetary compensation.
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Everything went well, until midway through, he said he got a headache, so we had to stop.
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The researcher still compensated us for the time.

​Why I’m writing is.. is because I want to share with you all the awful things my brain was saying.

“This is so easy, why can’t you finish this?”

“Oh no.. look how disappointed he is… we can’t help this researcher finish, he will have to recruit for another participant..”

“Oh c’mon, just bare with it!”

“This is so embarrassing!”

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Of course I never said any of these to my son. I thanked him for giving this new thing a try, and I applauded him for speaking up for not feeling right.
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But a part of me can’t help thinking.. my son didn’t complete this, so he failed.
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So same things that are directed at me.

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I planned to do this, I can’t get to it, I failed.

I wanted to complete that, but I’m so tired. Well grind through anyways! Because there’s no other way.

I’m going too slow. What’s wrong with you?

Others people can do this, why can’t you do that too?

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And this really reminds me of the Celine Dion movie, where at the end, she was trying to push herself, and I could feel that disappointment with herself for being unable to sing as she’d wanted…

And then her whole body went into a full spasm (showing an episode of her having the stiff body syndrome).

I know I had been disregarding all the things that I have worked on, or have done and completed.

And I know I’d been pushing myself, and I don’t tap into my own body to figure out what really works for me.

So to deal with my own disappointment:

I have to really acknowledge the fact that I am disappointed.

And

Remind myself that I am proud.

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I am disappointed with my son unable to complete the scan.

And I am proud of him trying new things.

And speaking up for not feeling well. It’s ok to not complete something.
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I am disappointed of my slow progress.

And I am proud of all the things I have completed.

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I am disappointed of all the things I want to do and still haven’t done.

And I am proud of all the times I allot to rest and have fun.

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And last night, I slept for a good 10 hours, because I needed that.

And in the middle of the night, I noticed my brain saying things to me.

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“I am disappointed that I didn’t get to finish composing this email, and I am proud that I forced myself to sleep and rest. And I am proud of all the days I did the work and showed up.”

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So if you’d like to take care of your disappointment,

It’s ok to be disappointed.
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And then double down on what you’re proud of.
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Give that a try and let me know how that works for you!