Claudia Chan

“I don’t want to do it, but I feel so guilty if I don’t.”

This is the response I often hear from my clients, when their parents force their kids to take care of them, or do what they say.​

It sounds so heartless when I tell them, you’re not responsible for your parents.​

And yet, it is the most beautiful thing for a person, which is to be free from this “obligation”. And here’s why.

Because we’re raised in a “transactional” world, and never know the true meaning of free will.

Often times, there is an invisible price placed on us when other people do something for us, or give something to us. Like a parent taking care of a child.

Yet, the highest form of love, or the main reason for us to give, is because we want to, because we love that person. And this comes from our heart. In other words, there is no expectation of receiving anything back.

But because of generational trauma, man-made values and “obligations”, it ends up being a form of exchange, which creates a painful bind between parents and kids.

“I’d given you this much, because I love you, so now, it’s your turn to show me you love me, by taking care of me, being responsible of me. And if you don’t do that, shame on you! That means you don’t love me!”​
One of our “highest” virtues in the Chinese culture, Filial Piety.

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Sadly this is where manipulations start: crying, yelling, threatening to kill oneself, shaming, rejecting, etc.

How can you be so heartless for not taking care of me? For not paying for me? For not spending time with me?

​So we are held hostage physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially.

​When this freedom of choice is taken away, resentment and guilt enter the relationship.

​How is this our responsibility, when we never asked to be born in the first place?

​This unfairness turns love into bitterness.

​And when the child didn’t get their opportunity to choose, they carry this obligation onto the next generation.

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And the toxic cycle continues.

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So how do you break it?

It is through being “heartless”.​

When one generation can be “selfish” and tend to their own needs, wants, desires first and foremost, when they can be happy.

​Then they will come back to you and give you their love.

​Then they can carry that forward and allow their kids to be free, loving, happy.

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And it takes a lot of courage, because it will be met with a lot of criticism, judgement, rejection.

​So the question is, are you willing to do it for you? Even if your parents walk out on you? Even if your relatives belittle you? Even if your brain doubts you?

To go for what you want in life, so that you’re happier to give back when your cup is full.

Ready to do this for you? Book a free 20-min consult with me so you can bring your love and happiness back, and in turn, make changes in your family.