Claudia Chan

So I was scrolling through social media, and one of the teachers I followed shared a post.

It was about one of the mothers he was working with, and the mom shared the following:

When I had my younger daughter, my older son seemed to have regressed. He would poke or hit the sister, whine, act up, hide the sister’s toys, make her cry, etc. Those things I wasn’t too worried about. But what I am worried about, is that one night, he said to me, “After you put her to sleep, can you hug me?”

Her heart went into knots, she felt a bit sad, but didn’t understand why he said that.

So the teacher went on to explain how when the older child regress, or if they’re acting up, it’s because they feel neglected, and they’re trying to do things that would get the parents attention.

If you know how to read Chinese, ​this is the article​. He suggested a few things parents can do. (just a quick summary if you aren't able to read Chinese, and if you do read Chinese, I might have gotten some of the meanings wrong, because my Chinese sucks, so I translated it how I understood it. So if you see any mistakes, please let me know.)

1 When the elder one act up, make sure to spend alone time with them.

2 When they're causing trouble, start off to let them know you love them first, and then help them decipher between good and bad.

3 Ensure you give them some alone time every day.

4 Ensure you give them hugs, so that they know hugs are not just for the younger siblings.

5 Everyday, give 3 positive feedbacks to the eldest one.

6 When they fight, make sure to take care of the emotions first, and then go into reasons

7 When the siblings fight, make sure you hear both sides.

8 Give some chores to the eldest, so they feel they can help take care of the family, and praise them (I personally feel that this is not the best advice, because the parents may become too dependent on the eldest, which may cause a lot of resentment.)

9 Guide the eldest so they can become a team with their siblings.

10 When the eldest regress, don't get mad at them or make fun of them, just let them know that "we like the original you", and then guide them back to their original self.

But today's post, is not about this.

Because what I’d like to talk about is this one tool: the Law of Mirroring.

And it is an amazing tool to see a clearer picture when it comes to relationships.

You can use this mirror to get to know yourself better, or get to know your spouse, children or other people better.

It’s called the Law of Mirroring, because you the idea is, what you see in other people is a mirror for you, this is where you can learn more about how the other person is feeling, based on what you’re feeling. (Or get to know what is really bothering you when someone does something that makes you feel an emotion).

So for example, just from reading about that mother’s experience, when her older son was hiding the sister’s toy, or trying to make her cry, what do you think the mom feels?

If I’m that mom, I’d be super frustrated and upset because, WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME!

This is where the mirror comes in, because the son doesn’t have the ability to speak and tell his mom he’s frustrated. So he does things to make the mom feel how he feels.

(Also he’s trying to do something that would also get his mom’s attention, because getting yelled at (a negative attention), is better than not getting any attention)

He’s frustrated that he’s losing his mom’s love. He’s upset that he’s no longer the favourite. He feels like he’s no longer important and that he’s not being seen and heard. He's pretty much saying, "What are you not listening to me, paying attention to me!!"

So he did those things to make his mom feel how he feels.

So knowing this, I’d like to invite you to think back to an incident where you got upset with your kid(s), or someone else.

Try to think back to that situation, and see if you could identify your emotion.

Once you know what that feeling is, try to put yourself into your kid’s (or the other person's) shoes, and ask yourself, how is it that he/she feels this way?

Humm... Can you see that?

And now that you get more of an understanding out of this... , what would you like to do about it?

If you’re having difficulty identifying the emotion, or seeing how it applies to your kids (or the other person), reply to this email and send me your story. Maybe I can help.