Claudia Chan

While I was in my 20s, I was in a “rebellious” phase, where every weekend, I was pretty much out doing something with my friends.

Mostly dancing.

And once I started dating people, my mom was mad because the people I was with weren’t guys she approved of​.

And she would always say things like, you’re never home, you treat home like a hotel, you don’t care about spending time with me, you’re selfish, you don’t care about me, who are these people you’re dating, you don’t respect me, etc.

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And if you know me and my story, I had to fight against my mom when it came to being with my now husband.

And I see so many of these scenarios on Reddit and in real life. “My mom is crying and yelling! And I don’t want to see her heartbroken because I love her.”

“I’m tired of her controlling me, what can I do?”
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So these were a few things I had to really learn:

1 I’m not responsible for her emotions: pain, disappointment, shame, etc.

2 If I don’t follow what she said, it doesn’t mean I don’t love her

3 I’m not a bad daughter for following my heart.

And 4, which is the hardest, I have to allow her to express her feelings through her body, which may include developing into panic attacks, or other illnesses… and it’s not my fault.

I know for some people, their moms might say things like, “I am going to kill myself!”, or “How can I live like this? I’d rather die!”

And it’s a lot to deal with, esp when it is life or death situation.

I’m not saying what they’re feeling is not real. I’m sure if I was in their shoes, I’d also experience the extreme pain, disappointment, and it’d probably feel like the end of the world. Because they’d probably lived their whole lives envisioning their kids turning out in a specific way. And then all of a sudden, their kids (me), threw a wrench in there.

A future of possibilities, expectations, dreams. And all of a sudden, 🔧 shattered.
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I understand that.

But understanding that, doesn’t mean I have to follow through with that.

They have lived their lives. They made their decisions for themselves.

And I have my life to live. Just as my son has his life to live.

So I had to learn to separate my pain from her pain. Her pain is hers to deal with, my pain is mine to deal with. I had to learn to bear through my own pain and fear, and let her work through hers in her own way.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

​Most times, with a parent a child, our lives are so entangled that we sometimes feel as if we are one.

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So the first step is to realize that there are two, and we have to learn to separate them.

I saw this video and I wanted to cry, both for the mom and the son.

Have a watch.
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I’d love to hear what comes up for you, hit reply and let me know.

And send me a message or book a free 20-min consult with me if you want to work through separating your life from your parents’. Because you deserve to live for you.