Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach
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Why is it triggering me? Kids not listening

February 6, 2024

Recently I have a thought about doing a series called, Why is it Triggering Me? So here's the first one.

When you want your kids to brush their teeth, do their homework, or clean up their room… But they’re not listening to you, or they’re not doing what you ask!
So you start repeating yourself, then nagging, and then end up yelling at them!!

Ahh.. I know!!! It’s so frustrating! I just want my 6 yo son to do these things so we can get all the necessary things done, taken care of, and get them out of the way! I want it to be super efficient and be done THIS WAY!

I want the rooms to be clean with nothing laying around, so that it’s presentable! So that it’s nice and neat!

So Why is it triggering me?

First of all this series is not about blame or shame. Not blaming whoever triggered the F out of us, and not shaming ourselves for reacting a certain way.

I am sharing this series just so we become more aware of ourselves. It's only through awareness that we can change.

So,

The very first reason why it triggers me is because, somehow, there is a realization that my is not heard or acknowledged.

While growing up (if your mom is like my mom), my mom would always tell me how I should act, what I should do, how to stand, how to clean up, what time to do what. I had to follow my mom’s suggestions all the time!

One of the things she’d always say to me was to take my shower after dinner, so I didn’t have to study til late at night and then take a shower when it was cold.

Every single day, even when I was in university.

Logically, I totally knew that it would be a better decision, but a part of me just didn’t want to listen, so I always ended up taking a shower late at night.

It’s frustrating as heck because she didn’t care about what I was thinking or doing, she was just ordering me around, not listening to me!

So now that I have a kid, and when he doesn’t listen to me or do what I say…

OF COURSE I’m triggered! Of course I’m mad and frustrated! Because he’s not listening to me!! 😤😤😤😤 (like my mom)

(Unfortunately, sometimes we apply the same tactics as our parents, so even though we don’t want be like our parents, we still be up being like them, so we started ordering them around, yelling, etc)

Getting frustrated is so normal, and when we start noticing it, we can dig a little deeper to figure out what's going on.

So what to do..

Here’s the thing we know. We can’t make other people do what they don’t want.

And manipulating them by bribing or threatening is going to break a relationship.

Once we understand that the reason why it’s triggering us, (we feel dismissed/not being heard), we can do two things.

One

We can first turn it around: Are we listening to ourselves?

Maybe when we’re tired and we need to rest, are we saying to ourselves, after I’m done this other thing, then I’m going to give myself rest.

Or maybe we need to have some fun, but we keep saying to ourselves, oh that is a waste of time, why are we watching Netflix ?

So learn to listen to yourself first, listen to what you need, and give that to yourself.

Two

Then we can ask ourselves, are we listening to our kids, giving them a chance to speak up?

Maybe deep down they have something they want to say:

I don’t want to do this! This chore is boring!

I don’t want to do what you ask right now.

I’m interested in this other thing, Mom, are you looking at me, paying attention to me!!

I had a fight with my friend, and I’m stressed out that maybe they don’t want to hang out with me anymore.

Do you know what their stories are?

Maybe once you listen to them, hear them out, then they’ll come back and listen to you.

OR it can also be true that, after you listen to them, maybe they still won’t listen to you, because they’re human and they have free will (because we all do).

But if you have a good relationship with them, hopefully once you change your way, and open yourself up to them, then they may in turn change too.

What insight did you get from this? Would love to hear your share.

If you would like to work on not yelling and have a better relationship with your kids, you can reply to this email or book a free 20-min consult with me.

Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach

TORONTO, ONTARIO CANADA

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