Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach
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Allowing our son to “fight” us

July 7, 2024

One evening this past week, during dinner time, our son was trying to “make a point” non-stop.

First, we asked him to wash his hands, and right away he asked why he was the only one who needed to wash his hands while we only “rinsed”.

​Then he insisted that he wasn’t allowed to eat food from the floor once it fell down, but I would sometimes pick it up and eat it.

Then as he was about to finish dinner, my husband chose the piece of watermelon that he’d “claimed” from the night before.

​And he exploded, he demanded for us to cut up the new watermelon, he cried, screamed, kept saying that that was the piece he wanted..

There were so many moments, I wanted to raise my voice,

“Stop this nonsense now!”

“It’s only a piece of watermelon! We can give you two to make up for it.”

I also thought..

“Ok let’s cut up the other half so he’ll stop the crying.”

But we did none of that.

We just sat with him, even when he rejected us.

​We tried to explain calmly to him that what he’s experiencing is called disappointment.

​My husband tried to offer him the rest of the watermelon.

Eventually he calmed down enough, and I was able to explain a few things to him. And he was once again willing to share the watermelon with everyone.

Often times, when other people get upset with us, we may have a tendency to change how we do things to appease the other.

Other times, when the other person kept yelling at us, we may end up raising our voices to force the other person to “submit” to us.

Have you ever been in a situation where maybe your kid is acting “out of line”, and you had either thrown your hands up and let them do what they want, or raised your voice until you see them change?

Yea… dealing with kids is not easy.

And yet, this is what I learned from speaking up for myself…

It means ruffling other people’s feathers. Other people will get mad at me, or turn against me.

​Which means, allowing our son to stand up for himself will ruffle our feathers.

And even though it makes me upset and want to dominate him, or make me want to throw in the towel, I know he is in the process of learning the skill of speaking up.

This is how he can grow up to be his own person, by allowing him to speak his mind.

Because in the real world, he will encounter many No’s. He will come across people who will be upset at him, guilt him into doing what they want.

​But those things shouldn’t stop him from exercising his voice, standing for himself.

​I am willing to do this again and again, even if it irritates the heck out of me.

And I know it can trigger us as parents, because unless we had very loving and compassionate parents, we were never allowed to speak our minds. Because speaking our minds came with many harmful consequences.

So one of the ways to allow our kids to speak up, is for us to speak up first. The way to give our kids love and compassion, is to give us love and compassion first.

​Because we’ll never be able to give our kids what they need, if we don’t give that to ourselves first.

If you feel this is an area you would like to work on, book a free 20-min consult with me, and we can see if we are a good fit to work with each other.

Let’s stand for you, so you can stand for your kids.

Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach


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