That was a sentence that had been subconsciously running in my brain since I was young, and I only got to speak it out loud during yesterday’s coaching session.
I could feel it in my body. But I never allowed it out of my mouth.
Since I was young, I had always been told what to do and how to do things.
And “fun” was always something that only came at the end, very sparse, or never at all.
So whenever I was told to do something, or that I had do it a certain way, my rebel brain would take over!
It would usually say "F-off!" Or, "If you want it done this way, then why don’t you do it?"
And then, I would drop the task (if I could).
This was really important for me to realize, because I learned two things from it.
First, I now see why it is that whenever I go on an extended challenge (like a 10-day or 30-day challenge), I would stop around day 5 or 6, and I’d drop it altogether.
Because, even though it was something I want to do to begin with, when it’s time for me to do the thing, my brain still sees it as “being told what to do”.
Then it’ll say, “I don’t get to do what I want!”, which triggers my rebel brain to tell my logical voice to "F-off" and I’ll drop the task.
What? Mic drop!
So my coach and I explored, what does “I don’t get to do what I want“ means.
I realize that, because my days are split between full time work, care for our son, tend to my business, give my husband love and attention, etc, my brain tells me, I don’t have enough time!
And when I don’t have enough time, I believe I need to devote whatever time I have to my business.
So I schedule a lot of work, and no time for fun things.
ALSO, whenever I decide to have fun, I’d play Final Fantasy XIV, and once I start, I can’t stop!
So my brain is constantly rebelling! “I don’t get to do what I want.” Yet, I don’t trust myself to stop.
Which is a constant battle between procrastinate doing what I really want (work on my business), and feeling guilty for not doing it.
Now that I’m aware, my coach asked me one more question:
What if you have all the time to do what you want?
What a question!
If I have all the time to do what I want, then I stop being resentful that I don’t get to do what I want.
It makes me want to work when it’s time for me to work, and it makes me want to play when it’s time for me to play.
I’ll have less mind drama, I’ll trust myself more, and I’ll be more focused, and excited about life.
According to my coach, implementing this means I start to build the trust between my Present Self and my Future Self, meaning that, my Present Self will plan for my goals, and my Future Self will respect and follow through. So there is a mutual trust between the two.
This conversation came about because for the month of November, I want to post 1 blog post a day for 30 days. Today is Day 2, and I want to complete this 30-day challenge.
I want to practice sharing what’s on my mind, and I want to build this trust in myself, so I know whatever I say I’ll do, I’ll do it.
