First, I can’t believe how fast time is zooming by, I’d gone to Paris and back!
On Oct 21, 2022, I got a chance to speak LIVE on stage in Paris! My topic was 5 Radical Ways Self-Love Can Change Your Life.
It ended up being a “beautiful disaster”! 🤣🤣 because I blanked out in the middle of the speech! 🤦🏻♀️
It was a rollercoaster ride for sure! At one point, I was thinking, “Can I just get off stage to take a look at my notes? Dammit! My phone is recording and my notes are in it!!!”
I really blanked out, my brain could not think of anything. I didn’t really panic either, I just pretty much laughed at myself, and admitted that I forgot.
I was grateful for the lady who kept telling me to move onto the next point, so I settled on talking about jealousy! Which helped me get through the rest of my speech.
When I got off stage, I was glad I overcame my experience. And then disappointment and <more> jealousy set in.
Which is what I'd like to share with you.
Before I go on, I wanted to tell you this, if it wasn’t because of my self-love work, I would have NEVER even dared to step up on the stage.
Because first, I didn’t believe I have what it takes. I was constantly told (by my mom) that I wasn’t good at articulating my ideas.
Second, I didn’t believe that I have a message to share. I always believed that no one really cares about what I have to say.
So it was through loving myself that I was able to start believing in myself, and believe that I am worthy to get up on stage to share my message.
Ok, so back to my points.
This speaking experience propelled me to love myself to another level, especially around jealousy and disappointment.
I had (and still have) a hate-hate relationship with jealousy.
It was something that I struggled with since I was young.
I was grateful for it for saving my life that day.
AND I had to learn to love it even more.
At this conference, one of my friends from my speaking group also attended. He, like myself, was a first time speaker.
His speech was phenomenal! He nailed it!
This was where My Jealousy reared its ugly head!!
Right after his speech, my speaking coach literally jumped out of her seat! She was beaming, laughing, hugging him. She was SO proud of him!!!
I was really proud of him too! AND at the same time, disappointment and jealousy consumed my body!
I was disappointed in myself for blanking out! I beat myself up. Saying “You should have practiced more. Your lack of practice is what led you to this embarrassing situation!”
I believed I failed my coach. “Your coach said you’re one of her Rising Stars?! Really? What a joke! How stupid can you be to believe that?”
I could feel this two-faced creature rearing its head, pretending to be excited for my friend congratulating him! While at the same time, I hated him so much! (Not really true, but a part of me just wanted to take him down! Like, if I can’t have this, no one can have this!)
Throughout that day, my coach asked me a few times how I was feeling. I couldn’t bring myself to share anything with her. Because I knew once I start talking, everything will come crashing down. I would start crying, and I don't want to do that in front of her. I had to hold myself up.
So many times that day I was at the brink of falling apart.
Especially right after my friend’s speech. I almost had to walk out of the room. Because I felt my throat closing in and my tears welling up!
I truly believed I failed, and my coach was not proud of me.
That night when I was in my hotel, I was exhausted and drained. But I wanted to share my experience on instagram. So I started recording myself. And that was when the emotion train hit me.
I let myself ugly cry. And then I was able to see clearly.
I didn’t realize how much I had wanted to nail this speech.
To me, nailing the speech meant I am a professional speaker. Once I nail this speech, then I can start promoting myself, telling everyone about it, and feeling proud of myself!
I didn’t realize how much I wanted to make my coach proud.
I wanted her to jump up beaming! Telling everyone that I’m her Star Student!
It was exactly like how I always wanted my mom to be proud of me.
I wanted them to say, “This is my Star student!” “This is my amazing daughter! I’m so proud of her, look what she’s done!”
This experience made me see how much I depend on external experiences and results to validate me.
I wanted so desperately for others to see how great I am! I yearned for someone to tell me they love me, they are proud of me, and are excited for my accomplishments. So I relied heavily on other people.
And Yet! When they do, I didn’t actually believe them!
Like my husband always told me that he’s proud of me, but part of my brain didn't believe him at all. "Yeah yeah yeah... whatever you say."
*********
From this experience, I had to come face to face with all of these realizations. I had to go deep to acknowledge all of these.
Because it didn't matter if my coach was proud of me, or if she is disappointed in me. I have to be the one who’s proud of myself.
Even when I fail, I have to be the one to have my own back to say, “I see your effort! You’re amazing!”
Even when I blank out, I can still call myself a Professional Speaker! I'm an International Professional Speaker!
I’m sharing all these with you because I know we all desire to go after things deep in our hearts. We all want to do something that we can be proud of.
But we’re always concerned about what other people will say about us. Or we wonder if we have what it takes to go after it.
The truth is, whatever other people think or say about you, those don’t matter.
At the end of the day, YOU have to be the one who can stand up and say, "I'm proud of myself!"
Also, you have what it takes to go after what you want! You just need to learn the skills. You're going to suck in the beginning, and as you keep practicing, you'll be great at it!
You’re going to fail and fall flat on your face, but they don’t matter, because your dreams are more important!
When you love yourself, you’ll know that you’re worthy to go after your dreams and you'll be more willing to fail. Because you'll finally understand what it means when people say, failure doesn't define who you are.
So if you’re tired of caring about what other people say about you, if you’re tired of holding yourself back from doing what you want, then this article is your sign.
This is time for you to come out and say, I want what I want, and I want to have the courage to go after what I want.
Book a 60-min Jump Start session with me, and we can figure out what you truly want in life, and figure out what exactly you need to work on to go after it.
