Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach
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Expectations we place onto others = expectations we place onto ourselves

November 13, 2022

Recently, I saw a video of this Chinese girl who was trying to logically state her case against her dad’s request for doing more homework. 

First of all, I had to applaud her, because I can’t even speak this eloquently against my parents. And I’m sure many kids and adults who’d endured through this “pressure” can understand it. 

This video made me want to talk about so many things. 

The amount of pressure parents are putting onto their kids. Because of the competitive environment, the parents feel the need to keep pushing their kids to be better. 

And how this creates a state of never good enough. 

No matter how good this dad thinks his daughter is, he still wanted her to do more, because he didn’t want her to fail. No matter how hard she worked, no matter how much effort she put in, it’s not enough. 

We end up believing that we’re not enough. 

But in this post, I want to address the mentality of expectations. 

Not the dad’s expectation of his daughter (or our expectations on our kids), but our expectations of ourselves. 

There is a something called the Law of Mirrors. 

It is a theory that allows you to understand other people through your own behaviours, and in turn you understand yourself better. 

What you see in others, is what you see in yourself. 

So many times as parents, we want the best for our kids. So we put a lot of expectations on them. 

And we get disappointed in them, when we see that they haven’t “performed” up to our standards. 

Or we get disappointed in them when they fail. 

According to the Law of Mirrors, It’s all a reflection. 

We see a potential in them because we see a potential in ourselves 

We place high expectations on them because we have high expectations in ourselves. 

We get disappointed in them, because we are disappointed in ourselves. 

We get upset and mad at them, because we are upset and mad at ourselves. 

So guess what we do? We place an even higher demand on our kids. 

The next time you are disappointed in your kids, ask yourself this:

Is there something I really wanted to do, but I have somehow “failed” and I’m disappointed in myself? 

Maybe you had a dream, but you gave it up.
Maybe you "should have" studied harder, but you didn't.
Maybe you felt like you'd disappointed your parents.

These are all valid.

So now the question becomes

Can I love my kids right where they are right now? 
Without having to do more, perform more, study more, behave better? 

And more importantly:

Can I love myself right where I am right now? 
Without having to do more, have better behaved kids, have a cleaner house, have more money? 

The Law of Mirrors also applies to other people in your relationship, not just your kids. It could be your parents, your spouse, other people at work. 

How you see others is how you see yourself. 

I remembered the first time I started working on myself, I got so impatient with everyone around me. 

It was all because I was really impatient with myself. 

Because of how I grew up, I wanted things to be done quickly and efficiently. I wanted to get the results right now. 

In the beginning, I only saw that in other people, when they are too slow, not efficient enough, taking too long, I became impatient.

Through understanding myself better, I realize how impatient and disappointed I am of myself, for not creating the results I wanted right away. I kept pushing myself, and being disappointed in myself. 

I'd like you to bring your attention to yourself, what expectations do you have of others? Because those are probably the expectations you have of yourself. 

If you’re interested to explore more around this area, and would like to dive deeper into it, I’d love to offer you 2 free 30-min coaching sessions. So that you can what coaching is about. 

Through this exercise, you'll be able to accept and love yourself more, so you can accept and love the people around you more, so you can have a stronger connection with them.

One of the things I love to do with my clients is to bring them the awareness. The first step is really to be aware of what’s going on. It’s eye opening every single time. 

Book your sessions with me now. 

Claudia Chan

Professional Certified Life Coach


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